Tuesday, June 9, 2009
I've come to realize, at least for the moment, blogging isn't helping, it's hurting. Not the writing of the blog so much as the reading of blogs. Maybe it's that I'm no longer reading the right blogs and I need to find some new ones, but I'm not sure I have it in me to seek out what I'm missing.
Let me explain...
I took inventory of my google reader list, and a trend has revealed itself. Of the 23 blogs I read regularly...19 are pregnant or parenting. To further break it down, 7 are currently pregnant and 7 have given birth in the past 6 months-year. The remaining 5 have had children and two of those are trying for more. Only 4 blogs in my list have not conceived or given birth to living children and of those, two are actively trying. So... I'm in the company of two other primary infertiles still trying to get knocked up...out of 23.
Now can you see why blogging isn't really helping with the healing? LOL
I'm happy for all of the pregnancies, I'm not wishing anyone was NOT pregnant/parenting, but so many people are moving on and leaving me in the dust(one has even lapped me in the past two years!). Their posts no longer reflect my situation. In a sick twisted way, it was nice to be surrounded (if only in the blogosphere) by others fighting their way to parenthood. But now that I'm surrounded by pregnancy and baby posts, I feel all the more alone.
I recognize it's selfish and hypocritical, because if I had remained pregnant, I too would be leaving others behind and occasionally posting about the trials and tribulations of being knocked up. But I'm not pregnant and I am somewhat alone.
I just can't muster the appropriate level of enthusiasm to comment anymore. It's like being at a baby shower or picinic where everyone is sitting around chatting about their kids. It's just painful and awkward and I don't need that right now, know what I mean? I wish I was stronger or could pretend that I don't care, but I'm not and I can't. I need to take some time for myself and come to terms with this.
So, for now, I'm signing off. I want to thank you all for your support and wish everyone success with their family building. You're a great group of ladies, I really mean that. Perhaps I'll re-tool my blog when I have some clarity, but for now, I'm out.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
I spent Memorial Day weekend crying my eyes out, I was hurting physically (I really hate cramps) and emotionally. The feelings I have about all of this are so mixed. I'm grateful that I had those few day of pregnancy, it's more than I've ever had before. For a few days I was able to revel in the idea that I would be normal, and have a child.
M and I very quietly discussed the possibility of a future with a family of our own. It was nice, especially on our 7 year anniversary. It was the only thing we wanted, and for that day, we had it.
Of course now that it hasn't worked out, I feel like a huge loser. I know I shouldn't tie my self esteem to my infertility, but of course we all know that it doesn't work that way. I am trying to stay sane and move on, honest, but it might take some time. It's hard to be sociable when things suck so much.
I can't completely reconcile that it's over. I keep thinking there must be something else I can do. I'm not sure what that is, but for now we're taking it one day at a time.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
I'm sorta thankful for such a low number, at least it doesn't leave any wiggle room for hope. A doubling number would have just put me into beta hell and I'm glad I'm not there. It also rules out an ectopic, as the numbers would have been higher for that.
Don't misunderstand, I wanted to stay pregnant, I want a baby that looks like M very much. He really deserves to be a father. I'm so sad that he can't have that, and I'm the reason.
I've had a good cry, but so far I'm not as upset as I thought I'd be. M is very sad that it didn't happen. He really thought it would and had a lot of hope. We've talked about the next step, but only a little.
For now, we're focusing on ourselves and living child free. I know I probably won't be satisified with this for long, but right now it sounds nice. M has cheered me up by talking about the places we'll go. He even suggested we move to Europe, ha ha (I would too!).
Monday, May 18, 2009
I went for my beta on Saturday, and did that suck. I'm using stupid, stupid Labcorp and had to wait 2 hours for a 30 second blood draw. Since my RE is in NY, I have to have my lab results sent up and it's not efficient. Stupid, stupid Labcorp didn't even send the results until Monday, so here we are, 2 days later.
My first beta is...12
Yes, you read right, 12 at day 14.
Pretty much doomed to fail.
Before I knew my results, I had to call the clinic in NY 3 times to have them fax a prescription for beta number 2 today. Of course, by the time this happened it was already 12pm so I don't have the results of today's beta yet. Stupid, stupid Labcorp was unable to get it together even though STAT was written across the prescription in big letters.
I know that there is *hope* but I don't have much of it. Even if the beta doubles, that's not enough really. A quadruple wouldn't really satisfy me either. It would need to be over 100 to keep my head in the game.
Hopefully I'll hear back tomorrow morning. I'll update when I know something.
Oh, and did I mention, I spotted a little today and my symptoms are rather non-existent.
Friday, May 15, 2009
I know it's not easy to see, but there is definately a line! I can't really believe it. I tested yesterday morning 9dp3dt and had a faint, faint, faint line on a FRER. I wasn't sure if it was a positive, evaporation line, ghosting, etc even though I saw something within the 10 minute window. I tried to take a picture, but it's so faint that it's not visible.
I took another FRER and had better results in the afternoon, but also super faint. I went out and bought a Target brand test and it gave me a positive right away, so I'm pretty sure it's not just my imagination. ;)
I still can't believe I've gotten to this point. I've NEVER had a positive, EVER!
I took another FRER and Target test this morning. The FRER wasn't as dark as yesterday and the Target brand was the same. I'm trying not to obsess over the lightness/darkness of the lines. I know different tests can have different sensitivities and a line is a line.
My beta is tomorrow. I'm cautiously optomistic, but nervous of course. This is our last and only chance at a biological child, so I'm praying for a good outcome.
Thankyou to everyone who has been cheering me on!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Not much new with the waiting, I have symptoms, but we all know that they're meaningless. Oh, but nausea and adversions to smells on a plane is a good time, let me tell you.
I've taken two tests. The first was a super faint postitive from the HCG at 5dp3dt and the second was this morning. It was definately not positive.
I'm going with the every other day testing method, I think it's working for me. ;) I know I'm a Negative Nelly (no pun intended) but I'm not feeling it. I was hopeful the past few days, but today, not so much. I'm trying to prepare, thinking ahead to what this summer and what this year will be like.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
I was doing well, until now. I have one week left until the beta and I don't know if I'll make it. Not that I have a choice, but the crazy thoughts are taking over. It's all I can think about, especially when I'm in between waking and sleep. Not fun.
I swing wildly from 'this couldn't possibly work, it's me after all' to 'I deserve this to work, and it will work'.
I'm at my parents house now, I just drove down with M from NY Thursday night. He went on down to FL without me and I will fly down on Monday. Roxy also went home with him too :) I know M doesn't love her, but I do.
So back to the crazy...I'm wrestling with the idea of POS to test out the HCG. I probably need to do that ASAP so I'll know what's going on should a + make an appearance, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not.
I'm thinking of ordering some tests online and having them shipped to my house in FL so I can test when I get back, but that wouldn't be until 7dp 3dt so I'll need to buy some at the drug store here.
Oh the craziness. I can't wait until I know one way or the other. I'm trying to prepare for bad news, that is the most likely outcome. Really.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
M and I were prepared to put back all three(yikes) if the grading was poor and the RE allowed. Fortunately/unfortunately this was unnecessary. The third embryo arrested, leaving us with just the two. I'm pleased that they seem to be strong and that we didn't have to consider the third.
Of course now I'm beginning the dreaded 2WW-AKA-WUB. At least this time I have a prayer. Thanks for all of your kind thoughts, prayers, and support. Sadly the RE doing the transfer doesn't take pics, so not much to show and tell.
So the fert report isn't spectacular, but it's okay. Originally only one egg fertilized on its own. I was a very sad infertile on Sunday. The nurse told me that had to break out ICSI on four more eggs and wouldn't know until Monday how many fertilized.
Fortunately I had two more, giving us triplets. ;) I don't know what to think, obviously my eggs are old and crusty, but there's still a chance that one or two, or three(?)could work out.
I go in today at 11 for the transfer, so wish us luck.
I'll udate with the details later today, promise!
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Everything went very well. Amazingly enough, I had SIX eggs retrieved!!! Can you believe it? I surpassed my goal of five! Yayyy
Of course I don't know if they were all mature or of good quality. I won't find out the details until tomorrow. I'm hoping for at least three to fertilize and grow.
Honestly, the worst part of the retrieval was the IV, that sucker hurt and still does. I'm mildy crampy now, but otherwise good to go. Thank goodness for the Anesthesiologist!
After I was released, we went for brunch at Ihop and then to see Wolverine. It has been a nice relaxing day, now I'm parked on the couch watching TV.
I can hardly wait for news, but of course I'm nervous that it won't be good. My nightmare is that nothing will make it. I'm trying to block the negative thoughts and think that this *might* work. :)
I'll let you know how it goes.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
My scan today gave some interesting new numbers. I really don't even know what to think of it, so I'm not thinking much at all. Ha ha
Righty: 21.5, and 13.5
Lefty: 28.5, 27, 17.5, 12.5, and 11. So we have two newcommers aboard?! I had a different nurse do the scan and she was much more thorough than the first few. She spent at least 3 or 4 minutes looking around and trying to get really good images.
I've jumped considerably in size, about 5mm in one day...that seems awfully fast to me, hopefully it doesn't hurt anything. I'm just hoping for something to work out on Saturday.
I go back in tomorrow for blood work only, so I'm pretty much in the dark until ER. I'll keep you posted. Thanks for all your words of encouragement, it really helps.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
I went to my latest checkup and things haven't progressed as I would have liked. I might be back to only three follicles to work with now.
The problem is, my lead follicles are getting too large and aren't giving the little one's time to catch up. I have some hard numbers to share with you guys today.
Righty has one follicle at 16mm and a pathetic little 11mm
Lefty has a 23mm, 22.5mm and a sad little 12mm
I saw a partner of NY RE and he broke it down for me. He confirmed that they would do the egg retrieval on Saturday. I didn't ask for my E2, I was a little freaked out after I heard the numbers and forgot.
The craziness came this afternoon. A nurse called to tell me to take the HCG trigger shot tonight! That would put egg retrieval on Friday. Ummm...okay, but M isn't going to be here yet. I was in a near panic when she told me all of this! I explained the situation to her, 'cause clearly she and the partner didn't know any of this.
She said she'd speak to the same RE who made the decision and call me back. Five minutes later she called and said it would be fine to push ER until Saturday. Of course that made me and M verrrry nervous. Obviously if the best outcome is to do the ER on Friday, then M would need to get up here asap.
Fortunately M decided to speak to our RE directly and get his take on the situation. NY RE said that after reviewing the information, he preferred a Saturday ER anyway. We are now breathing a bit easier, but I'm still a little nervous about the large follicles. I'm scared the big one's will be too big and the small, too small leaving me with just one! Oh well.
I'm still disapointed in our situation, but we won't know anything really for a few days. I'm trying to just relax and stay positive.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
I'm feeling a little more hopeful that this isn't an entire waste of time. I've googled many positive outcomes with just a few follicles, so it's not over yet.
Just because, I'm going to post some pics of my drugs :) I actually have two because I ordered my meds in two batches. I didn't want to be stuck holding thousands of dollars of pharmaceuticals if I was canceled. I'm so optomistic. Ha ha. My second (and final?) batch arrived this morning. I might have to order just a few more things if my retrieval is on Sunday, but I'm waiting until then.
Feast your eyes on the drugs...
I kinda wish I could have had them all together for dramatic effect. Oh well.
I'll update after tomorrows appointment.
Monday, April 27, 2009
So lefty is putting out three and righty has one plus another under 10mm. I spoke with NY RE and he was encouraging, but somewhat neutral on the situation. Obviously less than five follicles isn't stellar, but he said it could be worse. I could be older with less than five follicles. Sadly he didn't use his crystal ball to read my future.
He said my E2 numbers are nice and high, which could be good or bad. It could mean that my first three (and now fourth) follicles are growing like crazy and the others are lagging or it could mean that more follicles will soon appear. I'm hoping for more -I'm greedy like that :)
I haven't asked for specific numbers at this point and they haven't offered them. The clinic is efficient, but they don't hand hold. They don't even write down appointment times or dosage instructions for you unless you request it.
I think it might be better not to know the details, less to obsess about. I do know that my original three follicles were greater than 10mm (I think around 14mm)on Saturday and no other follicles were seen, but the tech wasn't trying too hard to look for smaller antral follicles. She spent all of 60 seconds looking around.
NY RE has put my retrieval date at either Saturday or Sunday. M is going to fly up this Friday. Yay.
Now for the annoying news.
The topic of Fragile X Syndrome was brought up...a little late in the game I might add. My mother entered menopause early, while in her late 30's and NY RE said that is an indicator for Fragile X. He is having me tested, but it almost doesn't matter now. We're on the path we're on. We won't find out the results for another 10 days.
By that time, I could potentially already have put back an embryo or two. I almost don't know what the point of testing is now, but I haven't done much research on the matter. I only know that it affects girls reproductive lifespan and it can cause mental retardation in boys. We don't have a history of mental retardation(that I'm aware of)in our family, so I'm hoping this isn't something to worry about.
Nice of him to bring this up now, huh?
Thanks for all of your encouragement, I really appreciate it!!!
Small Update: Menopur has been increased to three vials a night. Hmmmmm...
Saturday, April 25, 2009
I just had my first scan since starting the stims, and it's not good. Only 3 follicles are making their presence known. I was hoping for at least 5. I have one on my right and two on my left.
I'm to start taking Ganirelix in the mornings and keep up my 450 Follistim and 2 vials of Menopur. I go back in two days for another scan. I'm hoping to speak to NY RE and get his take on the situation Monday.
It goes without saying that I'm very disapointed, I'm torn between writing off this IVF (and all hopes of getting pregnant with my own eggs) and maintaining hope. I guess there's still some sort of chance that things could work out. M is working with the glass half full theory, I'm trying to join him. :)
Later, I'm off to spend my gorgeous Saturday in Central Park with friends.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
That's a picture from lunch on Saturday, I had my final drink before IVF, a pomegranate margarita. M and I had a wonderful day in NYC, the weather was warm, and we took it easy -Drs. orders! We had lunch at a mexican restaurant in SOHO and strolled around for a while taking in the sites. If I had to live in NYC, I would definately want to live in SOHO (and so would everyone else! LOL)
My old college roomate met us for dinner and then introduced us to Pinkberrys, an outstandingly delicious frozen yogurt. I can't wait to go back and get more, I think I'm addicted! I don't know what I'm going to do when I have to go back to FL and can't get any.
Today I had bloodwork and ultrasound. The nurse gave me instructions to take 450 Follistim and 2 vials of Menopur nightly until Saturday. Now that's a serious starting dose!
Hopefully I will be responding well when they check me out this weekend. :) Think good thoughts for me, this is where things have gone south in the past, so I'm nervous.
Friday, April 17, 2009
I picked up M from Laguardia last night, it was so nice to see him again. We're going to try to enjoy the day tomorrow in the city, it's supposed to be warm!!!
Anyway, back to the Hystereoscopy...they did a wonderful job with my anesthesia, I had no issues when I woke up, I was alert and nausea free. I'm also in very little discomfort, most of my periods are wayyyy more painful than this. I haven't needed to take anything for it. :)
The really stupid thing is, I can't remember when NY RE told me to cease the BCP's. We discussed it the other day at the pre-op appointment and he went back and forth. Now I can't remember what was decided! Doh. I left a message this afternoon, but I probably won't get a call back until tomorrow. I will probably take it tonight just to be safe, but I think I'm supposed to stop. At the worst, I will be off by a day.
I go in on Monday for my post-op appointment and to get the green light for the really fun stuff. I'm nervous about giving myself injections, M has always been kind enough to do the dirty work, I just had to turn my head and exhale slowly. My college roomate has volunteered, so hopefully she can be my back up if I chicken out. I'm hoping I can put the big girl panties on though.
I'll update y'all soon!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
I finally got around to setting up my laptop, thank goodness for wireless modems!
So guess what I did last night?! I jumped on the subway and headed down to City Hall in Manhattan. I participated in my first political protest/rally! It was pretty cool, I'd guess anywhere from 5,000-10,000 people showed up for the Tax Day Tea Party. It was a very friendly crowd, but they were fired up about the state of our political affairs!
I stayed for about two hours, but the cold got to me and I left around 9:30, it took me forever to get back because the sidewalks were so blocked off, I had to walk around a few city blocks just to get back to the subway.
I really hope this grassroots movement makes it somewhere, I don't want my future (?) children to owe for what our politicians are doing now!
Monday, April 13, 2009
Sorry for the lapse in blogging, but it's hard to blog and drive at the same time. I successfully navigated the first portion of my trip, the 15 hour drive to my parents house in MD, arriving late Saturday evening.
I had a wonderful Easter Sunday with my family (hope you did too!) with one minor exception. Yep you guessed it, my much younger cousin is pregnant. To make it worse (at least for me), she got married on my wedding anniversary last May and is pregnant already, as in less than a year later, and she's only 23 or something, so I thought I had time...Ha. I got up and left the table when the discussion turned to the sex of her baby, just too depressing (again, for me).
Okay, so other than that, Easter was nice, lots of good food, an Easter egg hunt, desserts. Roxy the crazy dog is having a good time with everyone and will hopefully be okay with staying here for a few weeks.
Tomorrow I'm going to drive the final portion of the trip, 5 hours to NY! Yayy, I'm kinda excited to go and even more excited to get this over with. I know it's not cool, but I don't have a lot of hope for IVF-2 to work out. I'm hopeful that it will, but not really expecting it to, you know what I mean? I don't know what my odds are, but I'm guessing they're not in my favor.
For any readers living in the South, it's freaking cold up here! I can't believe the temperature is still in the 50's or lower. I hope NY warms up, I don't want to spend the whole visit shivering.
Sorry for the disjointed post, I'm also sorry my commenting is few and far between, hopefully when I get settled in I'll have my laptop up and running. For now I'm blog reading from my Iphone. :)
Monday, April 6, 2009
The first multiple choice test went fairly well. The second, um, maybe not so well. I didn't study contracts as much as I should've. I was surprised at how the test questions were chosen, I expected a lot more material to be covered, instead, the scope was fairly limited, making it likely that I didn't do well. I studied everything, but nothing too in depth.
The next day was intense, 7 hours of testing. I feel like I may have done well, at least I really hope so, 'cause I don't want to do that again!
I was really stressing about getting the floor plan laid out properly (which I didn't completely do) but I finished everything with just seconds to spare! I know of a few mistakes that I made, it's just a matter of how many points are deducted for them, plus how many I'm unaware of.
I do feel that I did well on the elevation and section portion of the practicum -for anyone who knows about architectural drawings. I'm still wondering if I used the right type of lighting fixtures in my lighting plan...incandescent recessed vs. fluorescent recessed. Stupid, I know. I keep going over everything.
I probably won't know my results until July, they say it takes 14 weeks. Isn't that insane?!
Hopefully I'll be distracted with other great goings on in my life. :)
I'm going to NY in a week!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
To keep myself reasonably calm, I've given myself permission to fail one of the three sections. Horrible isn't it? But it helps. I want to pass the whole thing, but I'll go easy on myself if I don't.
The first two sections, given on the first day are multiple choice, but tricky. I'm hoping to pass those, as that's what I'm mostly studying for.
The third section and second day of the test is the practicum. It involves problem solving a floor plan and drawing it out, as well as doing details, and other fun stuff I won't bore you with. While it's possible to practice for that, I haven't put in much time, so I'm looking at that part as a trial run for the fall when I take it again.
Wish me luck!
(At least it's distracting me from all the baby making stuff...ha ha ha)
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Otherwise, I'm trying to remain calm and patient for mid April. I'm going to have to start a list for packing, otherwise I'm going to drive myself crazy with all of the random thoughts about going to NY.
BTW, does anyone put much stock in the high protein low carb diet for IVF? Just curious.
This is totally unrelated to all things IF, but I just had to post this bit of common sense politics. Daniel Hannan may be my new hero. I don't know how to imbed a youtube video directly. :(
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
I am officially scheduled for my Polypectomy on Friday, April 17th. I need to be in NY on Wednesday the 15th for the pre-op visit, so I'll possibly be in NY for a total of four weeks if all goes well.
Due to the change of plans and the length of time I'll be away, I've decided that I'm going to drive up to NY. It'll be easier on me if I have a car and I don't have to worry about plane tickets and timing etc.
So the new plan goes like this: I'll drive up to Maryland Saturday April 11th, stay through Easter and drop off one of our dogs. Roxy's our 2 year old stubborn dalmation-mix. She's super sweet, but a little intense and adverse to training (I trained our Husky mix with no problems). No one down here wants to dog sit her while M and I are both out of town. No one except my uncle in MD -he really likes her, and who am I to keep them apart. :) M is hoping that this will become a permanent arangement, but I'm not so sure.
Yes, that's what Roxy did to one of my favorite shoes when I came home from work late, too bad she didn't give me a matching pair.
Anyway, I'll finish the trip to NY and then either M or my Mom will come up for the Laporoscopy. I'm not sure if I'll stay with my friends at that point, or if we'll get a hotel room. But after the surgery, I'm definitely staying with my former college roomates. That's going to be fun, so I have something to look forward to.
When the time is right, M will fly up and I guess we'll get a hotel for retrieval etc. Then we'll drive back home together, hopefully making a stop in MD (to pick up Roxy?) and then again in Savannah, GA. At least that's what I'm thinking right now. M is worried that I shouldn't drive such a long distance, I don't think it should be a big deal, as long as NY-RE says it's okay.
Sorry, that was a boring, rambling post about nothing.
Monday, March 16, 2009
I don't know if I've mentioned, but M is in charge of this IVF cycle (I was in charge of most of the past decisions with IVF-1 and now it's his turn...this is how we decided to resolve our differences about this mess because we're both stubborn!). So he voted that we move everything up North, including the surgery.
I was very apprehensive about this plan (and let M know it!), it seemed to be a lot of trouble (for me), but after speaking with Emily and the NY-RE, it's making so much more sense.
You know how I had my panties in a bunch over the surgery/IVF-2 timeline dragging out? Well NY-RE put my mind at ease, there will be no waiting between the surgery and IVF-2!!! Can I get a hell yeah?! Don't worry, I asked repeatedly, and he said that it shouldn't be a problem, as long as there aren't any complications.
I'm waiting for the surgical nurse to call about scheduling the Hysteroscopy, but he said he could possibly do it Friday, April 17 when he gets back from vay-cay. He would then check me out on Monday and give me the go ahead for stims that same week! That would put me at retrieval around the first week of May. Only a few weeks behind schedule, not bad, and I won't have to worry about co-ordinating all the different Dr's, I'll just stay in NY for three weeks instead of two.
So here is the bad news, 'cause it couldn't all be good. I would miss my friends wedding reception and be unable to make her wedding cake. I might know someone who could step in and fill my shoes, but of course that's up to my friend. I feel horrible to do this to her, but I know she'll understand. But still.
Friday, March 13, 2009
I had my follow up breast exam with my ARNP gynecologist today, which was the perfect setting for grilling her about doing the Hysteroscopy/Polypectomy. I think she got the picture that I'm not happy with their views (it's not medically necessary -ha) about doing the Saline Sonohysterogram. I asked if they would be willing to do the Hysteroscopy/Polypectomy since it's now clear I have a medical need for that. She said they would.
I now have a surgical consult scheduled for April 1 with a Dr. in the practice. I don't want to wait nearly 3 weeks just for the consult!
I am so frustrated and dissapointed by all of this. Not surprised, just frustrated. I had finally geared up for this, and now I have to wait for who knows how long.
Emily is going to speak with the RE and get some more information from him and pass it on to me later today or Monday. Not sure what's going to happen, but it looks like IVF-2 might not happen until May or June.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
I went to my CD3 scan today. Other than the annoying 45 min wait and having to explain my situation to everyone (using a different RE), it went fine. After it was over, I marched directly next door to try to persuade my gyn-y to do the saline-sonohystogram instead of making me go to some skeevy clinic that may or may not know how to do that sono-thingy-ma-bob, what was it called again?
Instead of being directly turned away by the staff (as I was by phone), I was allowed to write my request on a walk-in triage form which was handed to my gyn-y. I was then told to wait for a call from her to discuss the situation. Unfortunately, I missed her phone call today (my Iphone is acting up), so I'm going to have to call her back on Monday. But there is hope.
Anyway, for some reason I started to majorly freak out about the scheduling of the IVF-2 -as it almost conflicts with that stupid licensing test I signed up for. I actually did tell Emily that I thought it best to wait another cycle but then changed my mind back. I'm sure she thinks I'm crazy.
Hopefully it will all work out, I'll just be on bcp's longer than normal, about 24 days which means two packs. My main concern is just being able to concentrate on studying and taking the test with the IVF-2 underway. If everthing goes well, I'll start stimming the day before the exam.
Keeping with this schedule also allows me to be back in town for my friends wedding reception. I told my friend that I'd make her wedding cake and I would feel horrible if I backed out. In case you're wondering, I've never made a wedding cake, or any super fancy cake for that matter. LOL But, I've done a considerable amount of research and preparation for the feat.
I'll blog about the cake making soon. :)
Thursday, March 5, 2009
So today is officially CD1 and I'm going in for my CD3 scan tomorrow. I'm sure you've noticed that tomorrow is really CD2...I've been reassured that it's cool to go a day early (my local clinic doesn't want to see me on Saturday).
Surprisingly, this didn't really bother me much. I feel a sense of relief to have put this behind me. Thanks for all of your advice and support, hopefully this is the end of the drama :)
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
I'm not overly excited about the length of time I'll have to be on the pill (the pill usually makes me feel like complete shit) but it's better than waiting another cycle.
So today, Emily called me again to say that she talked to Kim and my local office doesn't do the Salinesongogram, I didn't even ask why. Now I have to make a seperate appointment for that at a radiologists office. The thing is, when I called around, the outpatient clinics don't often perform this procedure, so now I'm nervous about the quality of care they will provide. I'm going to call Emily tomorrow and see what she recommends.
She also gave me a list of my meds and called it in to Freed.om Pharmacy for me. I asked her if I had to use them or if I could call around. She seemed surprised that I would want to take the time, but she said sure.
Now for the sticker shock...I called Freed.om Pharmacy to find out the total...OMG, I think my heart may have stopped for a second. They quoted $8000. Maybe compared to some of your cycles out there, it's not so bad, but I was expecting around $5,000 (still too high IMO).
Fortunately I had my quotes from the last IVF and started calling around to all of the major pharmacies. So far the best quote has come from The Apoth.ecary Shop at about $5,000. Much more reasonable which is why I used them last time too.
I also just rememberd the stash of leftover IVF-1 drugs I had in my bedroom closet! I have four of the five ganirelix and a few menopur! Hopefully I'll make it far enough to need it this time. ;) If only my follistim hadn't already expired...
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
According to the information they sent in the mail, I would be on bcp anywhere from 14-28 days. I've always had it in my head that I'd take it for the full 28 and then begin stims. Well today, she said I'd take it for 10 days!!!
Whoa, 10 days is not long at all, I could possibly be stimming in 14-16 days if we stick to that time line. I'm all for getting things overwith, but this could cause some unexpected scheduling conflicts.
I'm going to stay with friends in NY for most of the monitoring and probably stay at a hotel with M when he comes up for the retrieval. I'm sure everything will work out fine with that, no biggie, I just wasn't planning to go to NY in March.
The most troublesome is this would put me out of town during the time I'm to sit for my Interior Design license. If the test was offered more often, I'd just take it the next time, but it only comes around twice a year. So if I don't sit for it in April, I won't be able to take it again until October. Not to mention that I've already put in over $700 to take it and I won't get a full refund if I reschedule.
I'm waiting for Kim to call me back, she said she'd set up the schedule and give me the info for my meds. I hope it's not a big deal, but I'm going to ask her if I can stay on bcp for 25 days so that I can take the test.
I'd hate to postpone IVF another month, I'm ready to get this over with now!!!
Monday, March 2, 2009
Taking into consideration your comments, I re-wrote my letter to K. I took out all of the accusatory, angry bitchiness (it felt so good to write all of that down!) and simplified it to a simple goodbye.
I hope this letter finds you, J and the baby well.
The sudden ending of our friendship was an outcome I never could have imagined, but I hope it has allowed you to find the true happiness and support you needed. I want to let you know that I hope you find peace with the situation if you haven’t already.
I wish you, J and the baby a wonderful and happy life together.
But in all honesty, I'm not sure I need to send it after all. I might, just because I do want to return a few of her items that are in my possesion. So, do you think this letter is the better way to go?
BTW, I've been blogging a year now! Woohoo.
I can't believe it's March already!!! Just a few more weeks to go.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
If I do, I plan on sending her a letter (see below), congratulatory baby card, a small baby gift and call it done.
When you said “I need to surround myself with real happiness right now” I didn’t think you would just drop a long time friend. I’m not sure the real reason, but I have a few theories...
Perhaps you feel embarrased about what happened and don’t know how to talk to me?
Perhaps you are angry that I couldn’t completely ignore my own feelings of “desperation” as you call them and pretend that your poorly delivered news was the best day ever?
Perhaps you just don’t want my infertility to taint your pregnancy and you don’t want to have to consider someone else’s feelings?
Whichever it is, all though I am curious, it’s more or less destroyed what friendship we had. I don’t really get why you would feel the need to go this route, I made it clear that I am happy for you and J and that I wasn’t asking for this dramatic severing of a friendship. I just wanted some consideration during a difficult time in my life, just as you deserve support (even if it couldn't always be from me) during an exciting time in yours. But hey, whatever.
For what it’s worth, I’m trying to forgive you for what happened and let this all go so that I can move forward without too much emotional baggage. I hope you can do the same and that you J and the baby have a happy and healthy life together.
Since it appears that we won’t be getting together any time soon and I never got your new address, I figured dropping this off with J at work would be the best way to close this chapter. So here's the dish and fingernail polish you left at my house as well as the book I borrowed.
Good luck and best wishes!
Your old friend,
P.S. Not that you care, but it’s bothered me how you viewed my “time spent reading blogs and researching” as a negative. Thank God *I* blog and have the support of people who ‘get it’ in place to deal with situations like this! Maybe now that you are expecting you might see how valuable it is to do a little research and have friends who understand exactly what you’re going through?! Just saying.
So, what do you think? Selfish and obnoxious, or honest and deserved? I am still clearly hurt and angry, but maybe it's not right to share that with her? I would really like to have this behind me before starting IVF 2 next month and I think this *might* be the best way.
Because I would be dropping this off with her husband, I'd have him read the letter and make the call about giving it to her. I honestly don't want to upset her in anyway that would affect her health.
Sorry to bring this up time and again, but it's really been a difficult situation for me to resolve. I feel so much guilt for being the sucky infertile friend, but also so much anger that K wasn't able to handle this in a more mature manner.
Thanks for playing along. :)
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
I'm a nervous ball of energy about this upcoming cycle. I'm about half way through this month (so now would be the time for a hail mary pregnancy -LOL) which means I should start BCP in two weeks. The month of BCP's isn't very exciting, but I'm looking forward to doing something active again.
I've recieved all of my test results and everything is A-okay, so I'm good to go. I called the nurse in NY to request a prescription for M's blood work, and then we'll both be done.
We've filled out our paperwork that goes over the legal issues of IVF. Like if we want to store any extra embryos (yes), what we would do in the case of a divorce (I get the embryos), that we understand there are no guarantees (duh). Now we just need to have the paper work notarized and mail it back.
I almost forgot how it feels to cycle...wishing for time to speed up.
Thanks for all of your support!!!
Monday, February 9, 2009
I'm sure you've guessed from the title, I'm breast-cancer free, and even more surpising, cyst free. Apparently I'm just "lumpy". :) I don't know how this lump went unnoticed for so many years? (by me or my Drs.), but it's nothing.
So I guess I'm still on track for IVF to begin in a month.
On a very sucky note, my 16 year old cousin got his 16 year old girlfriend pregnant. My family just found out and of course everyone is in shock. I'm less upset for me and more upset for them. Clearly they've been stupid and don't have a clue. I'm hoping that adoption is strongly considered for ALL involved.
Friday, February 6, 2009
So there's a little bump...in my right breast. I went into the gyn-y yesterday for my yearly pap. The ARNP that I see was doing my breast exam and found a small lump so I'm off for my first mammogram/breast sonogram on Monday. Woohoo.
I'm not overly worried, the lump moves around, and cancerous lumps don't, or so I've read. I'm betting that it's a cyst and hoping it will go away on its own, perhaps after I start my period in a few days. I just hope this isn't something that will get in the way of the IVF.
On a more positive note, I had all of my blood work taken care of yesterday for the IVF, 8 vials worth! I'm happy to have that all out of the way now.
Now I just have to figure out where M should go for his blood work. I don't know if I should just call our GP or if I should call the NY RE and have orders sent so that he can just go to a lab.
Oh, and even better news, I don't need an HSG!!! I misunderstood the RE over the phone, he was saying that I need a saline-sonohysterogram. I thought it was odd that he would order and HSG for IVF, so this makes much more sense.
So far the NY RE and his staff have been great. I had a question after the consultation, so I called the office. I was just hoping a nurse could tell me if the RE had handled the next step or if I needed to get the ball rolling. She took the message and the actual RE called me back to say that balls are rolling! I was more than shocked, it was a simple question and most likely a nurse could've handled it.
I guess I should mention that M and I have made a decision about when to go forward with the IVF. We're going to wait a month, it just makes more sense than starting next week. So that puts our estimated start of BCP's in early March and if I make it to retrieval that would be mid April. Almost exactly a year after the first IVF.
I think that sums up the latest and greatest.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
We had our first consultation with the NY Dr. this evening. It went rather smoothly, only 30 minutes behind schedule. ;) That's pretty impressive actually!
I printed out the questions I listed on my last entry and had them ready for him, although I didn't ask him every single one. But here is a run down of his answers:
- Do you think my FSH is too high for IVF? He practically scoffed at that. He considers my high of 11 to be in the "grey" area and still completely acceptable. He treats patients with FSH in the 20's! Whew, sigh of relief.
- Is there any testing to determine my most likely outcome, Clomid challenge test or Inhibin B testing? No, they are predictive, but he said he's seen enough people do poorly and still succeed, so he wouldn't bother. IVF is the real test.
- Do you believe in doing an antral follicle count before proceeding with IVF? Yes, he likes to see an antral follicle count. He said it gives him a heads up on how much medicine to give, but that he wouldn't cancel based on the count alone.
- What do you think of my poor response to Follistim/Menopur (especially since it was no better than my cycles with Clomid or Femara)? He advised trying more drugs, that will be the best indicator of my fertility. If I don't respond, well then I have serious issues. I didn't ask him this directly, he answered it on his own.
- Would you be more aggressive with the same drugs or recommend a new treatment? He said he'd stick to the same, just up the dosage. The same thing my local RE was planning actually. He seemed pleased with the information from my last IVF so I guess it wasn't a total waste.
- Would you recommend doing a microflare protocol, estrogen priming protocol, or an antagonist protocol? He recommended the antagonist, which I believe is the same as before. He said the microflare is the last ditch effort and hopefully it won't come to that. He didn't seem to be behind the estrogen priming protocol, it sounds like it's not something he's done before, or at least not often.
- Will I need to spend the entire treatment in NY ? The Dr. said he's comfortable with having my local RE do all of the monitoring and I can just come up for the retrieval/transfer or whatever combination works for us. I just wonder if the local RE's are down with that or not?! I know some of you have experience with the multi-clinic scenario, any advice?
The Dr. also recommend that I have an HSG to rule out any polyps that could have developed since my laparoscopy...bleh, from what I've read, they're no picnic. M and I also have to have all of our screening labs done again since it's almost been a year and they're required by the state.
M wants to start ASAP, but next month seems too soon to me. I haven't had enough time to process the idea but I guess I could be back on the cycling bandwagon again -soon.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
- Do you think my FSH is too high for IVF to work (aka, am I a lost cause)?
- What is the cut off point for you/your clinic?
- Is there any testing that can be done to determine my most likely outcome (do you have a crystal ball)? Clomid challenge test perhaps or more FSH testing?
- Do you believe in doing an antral follicle count before proceeding with IVF (would it have saved me from doing my unsuccessful mini-stim)?
- What do you think of my poor response to Follistim/Menopur (especially since it was no better than my cycles with clomid or femara)?
- Would you be more aggressive with the same drugs or recommend a new protocol?
- Do you think my main fertility issue is endometriosis or low ovarian reserve or both?
- Do you have a strong opinion about treating endometriosis with GnRH before proceeding with IVF?
- Would you recommend doing a flare protocol or antagonist protocol
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Anyway, I faxed in a formal request for my records and should hopefully have them by next week. That will give me just enough time to make copies and mail them off to NY along with all of the forms the new RE needs.
I guess I need to start working on a list of questions to ask the new Dr. when I speak to him. First and foremost on my list will be questions about my egg quality and his opinion about even going forward with IVF. I would like to have a few more tests to help determine if I do have low ovarian reserve/poor egg quality or not.
I know it's probably unlikely, but I still wonder if my high FSH could have been caused by the accupuncturist. It seems so strange that my FSH suddenly spiked as I started the treatment that I really disliked.
I guess we'll see what he says in two weeks!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Of course I need to gather all of my records from the local Drs. office. I called last Monday and left a message on the record departments v-mail, several days go by and nothing. I called Thursday afternoon and they'd switched over the phones early, so again nada. Grrrr. I called and left a message again Friday morning, zip. I called and left a message again this Monday (yesterday), still nothing. I called again today and pushed zero to talk to a real human being, she had me leave another message for the records department. In case you've lost count, that's 5 phone calls and 4 messages over the course of 9 days and as of 4pm today I still haven't had a returned call.
I hate when Drs. offices put the patient in the awkward position of stalking them to get results!!!
The office staff sure is making it easy to move on to a new RE! I don't know if it's because I'm no longer an active patient, or because medical records are low priority, but it's pissing me off! M wants me to go to the office in person to get my records...it might make an impression, ha ha. Probably not a good one though. ;)
Does anyone else have this much trouble communicating with their RE's staff?
So...that means I'm giving away a 600 IU cartridge of Follistim to anyone who wants to claim it. Please realize that the expiration is 1/2009 so I recommend that you use it ASAP, if you're cycling now this is for you! I live in Orlando, Fl, the closer you are to me, the better! Put the word out :)
Please let me know by this Friday, as I am heading out of town to visit family.
Friday, January 9, 2009
I guess it's mostly that my life isn't very interesting these days. I'm not sure that it ever was, but at least I had IF treatment to share. Since I haven't been to the RE since about May 2008 I haven't had much to blog about.
My job prospects aren't looking any better, the company that I was going to interview with has layed off a majority of their employees, so I'm not expecting an interview anytime soon. I've come to basically accept that I'm going to be (very) underemployed for probably the next year or so. Maybe longer if Obama goes through with the "bail out"/government expansion.
Hopefully M and I will be able to survive reasonably well on our 1 and a 1/4 salaries until things turn around. It really makes me wonder if it's irresponsible to keep trying to build a family with the state of the economy as it is. M doesn't want that to stop us, and I think he's probably right. It will eventually pass and we will be okay.
So I guess I should share how we would proceed with the IF situation, seeing as how we aren't exactly rolling in $. M finally announced what everyone in his family has been gossiping about for some time. He told his grandparents (and everyone else) that we will probably need to do IVF to have children. Gasp!
His grandparents have generously offered to spot us the obscene amount of money required for said IVF. They want more great-grandchildren, especially from their only grandson that could carry on their name. No pressure or anything.
That said, we *might* try this spring sometime. I'm still somewhat ambivilant about the whole thing. I'm slightly excited, but mostly apprehensive about what it all means. I hate that his family is now so involved. I don't know if they'll be chill about it, or expect a play by play. If it fails, I'll probably feel horribly guilty. Both for letting them down (again) in the baby making department, but also if we waste their money on an unsuccessful attempt. That would just plain suck.
I've basically taken a somewhat detatched position on this for now. I'm letting M do most of the decision making. I hate that when we fight about things, it's usually about the stupid decisions I've made and how he would have made the "right" decision (like buying a house sooner or choosing a different neighborhood, or not adopting the dog we did, etc).
So...he feels like this is the thing to do, and I don't want to hear how I made the wrong decision by not doing IVF now when we have the option. Also, he doesn't want to use the Drs. in Orlando, so again, I'm not going to fight it, I'll go to NY and see the Dr. he chooses. It's his turn to be in charge of this, so I'm going with the flow.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
I'm also going to try to have a better outlook on things. I've allowed some of the situations outside of my control really affect the way I see myself, and not for the better. Namely the best-friend saga. Nothing more has come of that and it really pisses me off. It's too late, even if she decides to apologize etc. the friendship has been ruined. So...I'm going to let it go and move on.
Happily, I am filling that void. It's not easily done of course, but I've become closer with some friends in Orlando, and I've met some new friends through M. One is even a former IF so she gets it. What a relief to hang with someone who does. BTW, Barb, we should try to get together sometime ;)
The holidays have been good, M has had some time off from work and it's been wonderful to hang out with him. Last night was fun, we went to two parties and have been recovering on our sofa all day. I made our traditional New Years dinner, collard greens, blackeyed peas, and pulled pork. I guess our time in Savannah has made an impression lol.
I'm really hoping that 2009 is an improvement on 2008. I can honestly say that 2008 was probably my worst year ever.
I'm not sure what to expect in the way of IF. I've come to the realization that I'm not going to spontaneously become pregnant, so there is no longer any hopefulness each month. There is a strange relieft that comes with that, so it's not entirely bad.
That said, M still wants to have a go with IVF. I don't really know how I feel about that. Part of me still likes the idea of trying and having a baby. The other part of me doesn't want to deal with the rollercoaster and probable dark place that I will end up in. I really don't have too much confidence in my body's ability to get pregnant anymore.
Even though it could really suck, I'm willing to do it. I want to satisfy my curiosity and give it a chance, because you never know. But mostly I want to do it for M. He wants this so badly and thinks it will work. I can't deny him this after the last three years of trying.
Well...this has been a random post, not my most cohesive, but you'll have to forgive me as I'm very rusty. I promise to get better...I'm already feeling better as I'm typing this. :)
Talk to you all soon.