Sunday, July 27, 2008

Rambling Thoughts

Ha, that was a rambling mess of a blog post last night!

Still, I'm really happy for the distraction my friends provided me. I haven't really shared the drama surrounding my BF so it was nice just to have a normal night.

The host of the party was my former boss. He's such a nice man and recently revealed to me that he and his wife tried for 6 years before doing IVF and conceiving their twin boys. I had always wondered, because of the twins and he confirmed my suspicions.

He gave me a good quiet pep talk (unsolicited) about how it would eventually work out. I really love talking to people who "get it". I'm still amazed at how many of us are out there.

Hope you all are having a great weekend!

Late Night Confession

I confess, I haven’t been totally honest with you, my blogger friends. I’m feeling a touch guiltly, but I “celebrated” a birthday on Friday. I was trying to pretend that it wasn’t happening, but I just turned 31 (gasp). Let's just pretend that it didn't really happen, k?

I wouldn’t be bothered if it weren’t for the milestones I haven’t hit. I was expecting to have a baby, actually two about now. So turning 31 has been a big disappointment. Oh well, I’ll deal.

The BF debacle just added to the stupidity of this b-day. We were supposed to go downtown tonight and drink our faces off. Clearly that’s off the table. I drank a good bit anyway ;)

As an update, she did e-mail a brief but nice happy b-day wish for blessings and happiness. I responded in kind, with brief thanks and good wishes for her pregnancy. I guess this is what it’s come to. Could be worse.

Fortunately I was invited to a party on Saturday (tonight) so I wasn’t sitting home along feeling sorry for myself. Thank goodness. I seriously needed to have some fun. Yayyy, peach vodka, yayyy mango vodka. Yayyy friends. Okay, I’m still feeling the effects of said vodka, but yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Sadly we had to leave a little earlier than I’d like since M has a deadline on Monday and wanted to either work tonight or tuck in early. Still not sure which. He’s catching up on his Avatar marathon at the moment. I’ll admit, I like watching Avatar too. It’s a pretty good cartoon. I think M should be the Avatar for Halloween! ;)

Okay, enough of the drunk blogging. I’ll check in with you guys later.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

My Move

BF wrote me back last night. She apologized for not realizing how difficult this is for me, but ended the e-mail with this:

You don't have to worry about me telling you details of this pregnancy. I promise not a word. I need to surround myself with real happiness right now to help me get through this scary transition and very apprehensive first stages. I'm sorry things didn't work out the way we would have liked them to...

I don’t know how to respond, I’ve already explained that I’m both happy and sad. Happy for them but sad for us. I think I made it clear that it was the way the news was delivered that was hurtful, and that with time, I will be a lot happier. Is it just me or does it sound like she’s writing me off because I’m not 100% over the moon? I hope I’m not misinterpreting her meaning, but I’m very confused.

Was my struggle and desire not clear enough all these years? Did I not convey the depth of my IF pain? Did she not witness my sadness with my SIL’s third pregnancy? I don’t know why she would expect so much from me so fast.

I’m tempted to explain it all to her again, but I don’t want to beat a dead horse. I’m also tempted to give her this helpful bit of reading, but I’m not sure how it will be received. Maybe I should just send her a card in the mail and let some time pass.

Honestly, I don’t even know how much support I should offer at this point. Should I insist on being included or is that just asking for trouble considering she doesn’t get where I’m coming from. Should I just walk away and let her decide? Obviously I might not have a choice, but how do I approach this?

Thank you so much for listening to my whining and drama.

P.S. I'm really doing okay, just a little sad about all of this. M has been so supportive. :)

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Confronting the Pregnant

Monday was still rough, but I decided to suck it up and text BF and ask how she was doing. She responded briefly stating that everything was the same. I asked a question or two and never heard back. I figured she was busy at work and she would probably call later in the evening when she got off.

After some time to digest I was feeling a little better. I was mostly upset about how the news was delivered. I do care about my BF very much and feel guilty that I’m not able to be the friend she needs right now.

When 9:30pm rolled around I decided to give her a call to check in. Selfishly I was hoping for a nice cathartic chat that would entail me explaining why I wasn’t able to fully show my happiness and her apologizing for the manner in which she broke the news.

I called and her husband said that she was already in bed and he would let her know that I called. I’m sure he could tell that I was a little upset because a few seconds later she called me back (she wasn’t asleep yet).

Our chat started out okay, I asked how things were and she said she didn’t have anything new to report, that’s why she didn’t call. I told her that I was just recovering from the shock and was hoping to talk a little. She didn’t seem to understand why I would want to and I got a little upset by her “whatever” attitude.

I told her that it had been an extremely emotional day for me, and that I wish it hadn’t happened the way it did. She said she had noticed by the look on my face when she came over that I was not pulled together. At that point everything came out, I couldn’t hold it in. I told her that I did not appreciate the way everything happened. How I needed more time and I wasn’t really able to digest the news and respond appropriately. I then told her that it was insensitive to show me the positives or to expect me to sympathize with her regrets of actually becoming pregnant.

She said she honestly didn’t think about any of that (?!) and she didn’t mean to hurt us. She also didn’t realize the amount of emotional turmoil I’ve been in and how difficult this would be for me. I know she wasn’t trying to hurt me. I guess it’s a case of you can’t know how much IF sucks unless you’ve been there.

I can’t even begin to explain how out of character this is for BF. She is a very sweet and compassionate person, she just didn’t get it this time. She apologized and said that she is embarrassed by her actions now. Of course I feel terrible, like I just ruined her exciting pregnancy news and strong armed her into an apology. Not the reason I called to chat.

The most horrible part is that now she won’t feel comfortable talking to me about the pregnancy, and I don't blame her. So I feel like a terrible friend for not giving her the support she needs. I really want to be there for her and be excited to see ultrasound pics, discuss her latest symptoms, and go shopping etc. I just don’t know if I can put my stupid self pitying emotions aside and step up.

At the end of the horrible phone call, we both apologized. I felt better for getting it off my chest and worse for burdening her with my issues. I decided to send her an email to apologize and explain things more clearly. I asked that she be patient with me, and understand that I am happy for them, but I need a little time after news like that. I also asked that she share future pregnancy related news a little more privately so that I won’t have an audience waiting for my reaction.

I know this might have destroyed a friendship and that it will be forever changed at best. I hate so much that this has happened. I hate so much that my IF has seemingly taken over my life.

What is an IF girl supposed to do in this sort of situation?

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Consoling the Pregnant

I really suck right now. That whole best friend getting pregnant put me in a REALLY dark place for a day or so. I’m not sure I should blog about it, but since this is free therapy and I can’t afford the real deal, I’m going to let it out.

So this is how it went down. Saturday night Best Friend and her husband came over to hang out with us and some friends (we had houseguests in town) and all was well. We talked about stuff, she told me that her cycles had been weird (like always)and this month AF was a no show at like 40 days, but that she had taken a test a week ago and it was negative. I gave some assvice about seeing her Dr. and she said, no, she’ll see him in a few months.

I didn’t really say too much about our situation, as it’s been somewhat static for a while and I’ve been trying to keep my crazy in check and enjoy myself, but she knows pretty much everything.

On Sunday, our house guests were still in town, we were hanging by the pool, drinking having a really nice day. In the afternoon I get a missed call from BF and decide to call he back later when we’re done swimming. Not long after, M gets a call from BF’s husband saying that BF really wants to talk to me and she’s going to call me right away. I should have known something was up, but I wasn’t really thinking clearly.

I take my cell phone outside and sit with everyone on the porch. We’re drinking margaritas and having fun when she finally calls back. She asks what I’m doing, I tell her about the hanging out and then she starts crying and tells me that she took two tests that day and they’re both positive. Honestly, I don’t really remember much after that.

Naturally I was super shocked. From my questions and response everyone at the table figured what was going on. It took everything I had to keep from breaking down. I tried my best to be excited and comforting, but I know it was weak.

She said that she wanted to come by, so I got changed and waited for the inevitable. By that time I had already endured lots of, “are you alright” and “I’m so sorry” which of course makes it harder to keep the emotions in check. I just sat on the front porch shaking, trying to prepare myself for the required show of happiness.

We still had a full house so it was a little awkward when they showed up. Everyone offered up their congratulations which was met with something less than happiness. BF’s husband was entirely blank, and when we said congratulations, he said something like “I might be happy in a month, we’ll see”. WTF?

Fortunately for me, one of our house guests had to get to the airport and all of the guys jumped in the car leaving me to talk to BF with some privacy. After they left, she broke down and cried and told me about how awful this news is, and how she has been so upset and that her husband has not been very excited. She said that she “wishes she could take it back” and whipped out her two very positive tests.* Just what I was hoping for, visual aids.

I wanted to yell at her, and explain that she shouldn’t have been messing around like that if she and her husband weren’t ready for the positive. And they definitely shouldn’t be crying to me and M about it before they got their shit together. But I didn’t say any of those things.

Instead, I did my job as a friend to console her and say the right things.

I was in such shock that it still feels like a bad dream. I’m probably being too sensitive, but I was in disbelief that she would come over and lay everything on me like that. Of course if I wasn’t infertile I could have handled it well. But, she knows everything we’ve been through and she didn’t stop to consider how this would affect me?

I had no time to digest, I was half buzzed from the sun and alcohol and I still had to go visit my SIL and her 6 month old that night. Not to mention we still had someone staying with us.

I just can’t believe I was consoling HER over HER good fortune and telling HER that it would be alright.

After they left, M had the same reaction. He couldn’t believe that they would tell us like that, without any composure, without allowing me the decency to hear the news in private or have time to digest. No less complain to US about their surprise pregnancy news! WTF?

*I totally get the scared shitless part, but perhaps turning to your husband, sister, mother, non IF friend would have been more appropriate given the circumstances.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Best Friend

I am so unbelievably sad today. It's finally happened, my best friend is pregnant. I'm happy for her and her husband, they're great but I am just heart broken for me and M.

This is not how it was supposed to happen. She didn't even want to get pregnant yet, they weren't really truly trying... just not preventing. She doesn't have regular cycles so she was suprised when the test came out positive and she me.

I seriously don't know how I'm going to handle this. I can't sleep or eat I'm so upset. I just keep thinking that our friendship of 20 years is going to be so different now with nothing in common.

Oh yeah, I met my SILs baby daughter today too. I couldn't hold her which I'm sure pissed everyone off, but I could barely keep my shit together to get through dinner.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Parents For a Weekend

I’m just now getting back to the blog world after the RL world kicked my butt. I think I mentioned that our niece and nephew are in town for a visit. This past weekend we had them over at our house for some bonding. M’s parents dropped them off Friday evening and picked them up Sunday evening.

Wow, I am exhausted! The kids are 6 and 4, overall they’re well behaved but wow. We intended to take them to the water park on Saturday but the weather was uncooperative. The gloomy 70% chance of heavy rain caused us to look for alternative entertainment.

We ended up playing at the house for most of the morning (letting M catch up on sleep) and then going to see WallE to wait out the rain. The movie was pretty good, but N, the youngest was having a hard time near the end. She was worried that it was going to be dark when we left the theatre and we wouldn’t be able to go to the Fun Spot which we had promised if it wasn’t raining.

Fortunately the sun was still up and the rain had pretty much stopped by the time the movie ended. So off to the Fun Spot we went. It’s not that big, more like a permanent carnival than amusement park. They have a little kid section and the best part, several go cart tracks that we get to drive with the kids as passengers.

All in all it was a successful family weekend. I think we succeeded in taking good care of them and having lots of fun. It also gave us a good chance to pretend to be parents for a few days. It was weird and kind of fun walking through the mall or amusement park knowing that everyone was thinking they’re ours. Well, except when they called us Aunt Stephanie and Uncle M of course.

That said, I was exhausted and happy to hand them back to the In-laws. I don’t know how much was because I’m not used to them, they’re not used to us, and how much is just the reality of constantly taking care of children. It kinda scared me a little, am I really ready to do this?!

I keep telling myself that it will be different if we have our own. I’ll feel differently about my own child and having a routine would make a difference. I hope I’m not just deluding myself. Please tell me I’m not!

I’m going to try to catch up on everyone’s blog soon!

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

No Net

Saturday was the first day that M and I could have a decent conversation about our IF plans. It’s been hard to find the time to talk about everything. M’s slammed with work right now and I’ve been waiting until he’s had a chance to breathe before diving into IVF, adoption, money, etc.

I mentioned that I’ve been doing some serious second guessing about IVF. I explained that although I want very much to get pregnant, I don’t really believe that it’s possible anymore.* I also expressed my concerns about how I’ll be able to cope if it fails. I’m worried that I won’t do well and I’ll be resentful and angry if we can’t move on because we’re further in debt.

M seemed a little taken aback by all of this. Rightly so, he believed we had a plan of action, and I suddenly wanted to switch gears on him. M concentrates on the positive aspect of doing IVF and doesn’t seem to understand why I only think about the negative.

I was given directions to focus on one thing at a time and to stop jumping ahead of myself. I totally get where he’s coming from, and I think he’s right in many ways. But of course I still argued my point, because that’s how I am. It took me a while and a lot of tears to explain why I need to plan for the worst case scenario. I need a backup plan and right now we don’t have a good one.

I think he understands now, but I’m not sure that he really gets it. M is so much more optimistic about this than I am. I almost feel bad, as if he’s an IF newbie about to be crushed for the first time. I know that seems weird, since he’s been there through all of the IUI’s and the mini IVF, but I think if this one doesn’t work out, it will be different for him.

M really believes that this is going to work for us. It doesn’t matter that I’ve explained the odds, his boss at work did IVF twice and it worked like a charm. He doesn’t think we are any different.
I really hope he’s right.

So for now, we’re going to continue on towards IVF, apparently without a backup plan.
*Okay, maybe I still have a little hope, but not all that much

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Adoption Costs How Much?!

I've contacted some adoption agencies online and talked to a nice woman over the phone. I've learned a little more about international adoption, but I'm not sure that it's made things clearer.

It seems that adoption is very fluid, its rules are constantly changing. A country that was once easy to adopt from suddenly becomes rigid, and vice versa. Also, some countries allow future parents to choose their child at the orphanage and others only allow parents to accept or decline based on their recommendations.

I'm interested in adopting siblings, although that might make me certifiable. We already know that we want two children if possible, so why go through this process twice if we can avoid it? I think it's sorta like wanting IVF twins.

Not that I've pondered this deeply, but I think it might be nice if at least our children are genetically related to one another. I imagine it would give them some since of security growing up together.

Now for the depressing news…

From the information I've received so far, it would be somewhere in the neighborhood of $1500 for a home study. $23,500 for a single adoption and an additional $13,500 for a sibling. Keep in mind that this does not include the cost for the required two trips abroad, food, lodging, or translators! I haven't actually figured out the cost for that but I estimate another $10,000.

The grand total for adopting abroad is...drum roll please...$48,500! I think I'm feeling a little ill now. It's true there is a $10,000 tax credit (not sure how that actually works) per child (I think), so that would eventually knock off $20,000, not bad. But if I understand correctly that only happens after the adoption is final, so we would still need to come up with the original sum.

M and I have lots to discuss this weekend -I hope! I know he still really wants to give IVF a shot and the $15,000 that would cost is starting to look reasonable next to the adoption total! I hate that either way we go, we basically have to "buy" a child. I know that sounds terrible, but fertile couples are certainly not shelling out tens of thousands of dollars before the baby arrives unless they're decorating a nursery or buying a new car.

Is infertility messed up or what?