Tuesday, June 9, 2009

When This No Longer Helps

I'm not sure what to do, but I think I know what I'm going to do.

I've come to realize, at least for the moment, blogging isn't helping, it's hurting. Not the writing of the blog so much as the reading of blogs. Maybe it's that I'm no longer reading the right blogs and I need to find some new ones, but I'm not sure I have it in me to seek out what I'm missing.

Let me explain...

I took inventory of my google reader list, and a trend has revealed itself. Of the 23 blogs I read regularly...19 are pregnant or parenting. To further break it down, 7 are currently pregnant and 7 have given birth in the past 6 months-year. The remaining 5 have had children and two of those are trying for more. Only 4 blogs in my list have not conceived or given birth to living children and of those, two are actively trying. So... I'm in the company of two other primary infertiles still trying to get knocked up...out of 23.

Now can you see why blogging isn't really helping with the healing? LOL

I'm happy for all of the pregnancies, I'm not wishing anyone was NOT pregnant/parenting, but so many people are moving on and leaving me in the dust(one has even lapped me in the past two years!). Their posts no longer reflect my situation. In a sick twisted way, it was nice to be surrounded (if only in the blogosphere) by others fighting their way to parenthood. But now that I'm surrounded by pregnancy and baby posts, I feel all the more alone.

I recognize it's selfish and hypocritical, because if I had remained pregnant, I too would be leaving others behind and occasionally posting about the trials and tribulations of being knocked up. But I'm not pregnant and I am somewhat alone.

I just can't muster the appropriate level of enthusiasm to comment anymore. It's like being at a baby shower or picinic where everyone is sitting around chatting about their kids. It's just painful and awkward and I don't need that right now, know what I mean? I wish I was stronger or could pretend that I don't care, but I'm not and I can't. I need to take some time for myself and come to terms with this.

So, for now, I'm signing off. I want to thank you all for your support and wish everyone success with their family building. You're a great group of ladies, I really mean that. Perhaps I'll re-tool my blog when I have some clarity, but for now, I'm out.