Tuesday, June 9, 2009

When This No Longer Helps

I'm not sure what to do, but I think I know what I'm going to do.

I've come to realize, at least for the moment, blogging isn't helping, it's hurting. Not the writing of the blog so much as the reading of blogs. Maybe it's that I'm no longer reading the right blogs and I need to find some new ones, but I'm not sure I have it in me to seek out what I'm missing.

Let me explain...

I took inventory of my google reader list, and a trend has revealed itself. Of the 23 blogs I read regularly...19 are pregnant or parenting. To further break it down, 7 are currently pregnant and 7 have given birth in the past 6 months-year. The remaining 5 have had children and two of those are trying for more. Only 4 blogs in my list have not conceived or given birth to living children and of those, two are actively trying. So... I'm in the company of two other primary infertiles still trying to get knocked up...out of 23.

Now can you see why blogging isn't really helping with the healing? LOL

I'm happy for all of the pregnancies, I'm not wishing anyone was NOT pregnant/parenting, but so many people are moving on and leaving me in the dust(one has even lapped me in the past two years!). Their posts no longer reflect my situation. In a sick twisted way, it was nice to be surrounded (if only in the blogosphere) by others fighting their way to parenthood. But now that I'm surrounded by pregnancy and baby posts, I feel all the more alone.

I recognize it's selfish and hypocritical, because if I had remained pregnant, I too would be leaving others behind and occasionally posting about the trials and tribulations of being knocked up. But I'm not pregnant and I am somewhat alone.

I just can't muster the appropriate level of enthusiasm to comment anymore. It's like being at a baby shower or picinic where everyone is sitting around chatting about their kids. It's just painful and awkward and I don't need that right now, know what I mean? I wish I was stronger or could pretend that I don't care, but I'm not and I can't. I need to take some time for myself and come to terms with this.

So, for now, I'm signing off. I want to thank you all for your support and wish everyone success with their family building. You're a great group of ladies, I really mean that. Perhaps I'll re-tool my blog when I have some clarity, but for now, I'm out.



Soapchick said...

Stepanie I hope we can keep in touch via email. I hope you find something else that does help too.

Hugs and hope to talk to you again someday, somehow, someway.

MLO said...

I completely understand this feeling. I hope you find what you need to pull you through this.

Anonymous said...

I TOTALLY understand as well!! I am not too far if you NEED ANYTHING. If I can EVER help and I hope I haven't added too much to your pain. Sending love, respect and all my best wishes!!!


Barb said...

Completely understand sweet pea, but your unique voice will be missed.

If you decide you want to find some more non-parenting blogs, in my "Challenged Like Me" list, the only one currently pregnant is, "The Therapist is in" And "We Are What We Repeatedly Do" has some good links to others.

I just wanted to let you know, but understand your decision totally. So many hugs and lots of love. I'm sorry. :( When you make your big decisions, if you decide to do something grand like run off to Europe, will you let us know? I would LOVE to hear about it.

Stephanie said...

You ladies have reinforced how awesome you are! I was really worried that you might see this post as a condemnation and I didn't want anyone to take it that way. Thanks for understanding that it's not you, it's me. LOL

I know I won't be able to keep away from you guys, I just won't be checking in often...at least that's the plan.

If anything earth shattering happens in my world, I'll be sure to give you a heads up.

Feel free to e-mail me anytime. :)

Lot's of love


Mrs.X said...

Self-preservation is neither selfish nor hypocritical. It's something that you need to do because the only person who really matters here is you.

I had a similar realization a few months back - as a primary infertile with no living children or current pregnancy - and I cut back my reading of IF blogs for a while which helped.

I hope to see you back soon, but take all of the time you need.

Anonymous said...

You are not alone. I am still one of those infertiles fighting along side ya, just trying to start my family. You need to take care of your well being and self preserve because nobody else is going to do it for you. Please know that you are not alone.

Pepper said...

I've taken several blogging breaks and have always found them to be grounding, healing, and restorative. It helps to get your head out of the TTC, pg, and parenting worlds. It helps when you don't dwell on the negative and focus on other things, like just everyday life.

I hope this break, however long it is, brings you healing and peace.


Xbox4NappyRash said...

Best wishes to you.

I know how it can all become too much.

Mind yourselves.

Anonymous said...

Dear Stephanie,

I am in the boat similar to yours. We have been trying for three years. I am much older than you are and I was always reading blogs how women after 40 get pregnant natural of artificial way.
What I discovered? If somebody gets pregnant, it gives you hope in the beginning, but later you realize you are not the same person and what works for them, not necessarily works for you.
Like yourself, I take one day at a time and try to embrace this wonderful world.
All the best to you with your life.

Elisabeth said...


My name is Elisabeth, and I am an infertility / repeated pregnancy loss "veteran". You can read a little bit about me and my experiences in my (not very updated) blog: drhousewife.blogspot.com . I am completing a PhD in Counseling Psychology, and my dissertation is focused upon the impact of infertility on marriage. I believe strongly that there is a need for better support services for men and women who are undergoing IF diagnosis and treatment, and my hope is that this study will aid in the development of such services.

I am contacting you after stumbling across your blog. I am recruiting participants for my study, and wanted to invite you and your husband to take part. All that would be involved would be the completion of an online survey, that would take approximately 20 minutes. All couples who complete the surveys will receive a voucher good for a pair of free movie tickets at a Regal Cinemas.

Please let me know if you are interested by emailing me at UTInfertilityResearch@gmail.com . I have included the criteria for participation below.

Best of luck to you!