Monday, June 30, 2008

What Next?

I've been thinking about what M and I should do next. Until recently, I had no doubts IVF should be our next step, but lately, I'm not so sure. Maybe I'm just scared of it failing but I'm having second thoughts.

Sinking $15,000+ into something that has less than 50% chance of working out in our favor is scary. I'm just not sure that I have the stomach for it. How do so many women do it? How do so many women afford it? Good insurance I guess.

My body's refusal to get pregnant under the most optimal conditions makes it difficult for me to believe that IVF will be any different. It's not like I've even had a chemical pregnancy to reassure me that pregnancy is possible. I am completely unproven and if IVF should fail, we won't be able to afford other avenues for a while.

So I've been thinking, the relative guarantee of a child through adoption is looking pretty good. I started looking into it last night, but all of the options make my head spin. I'm so not sure what to do anymore! Why is this so hard?

Friday, June 20, 2008


I never would have guessed that writing my troubles for everyone to read could lead to such insight. Who needs counseling, when I have all of you!

I was thinking about all of the issues I have with M's sister and its become increasingly clear that the last two really weren't about her. This got me to thinking about some of the other times I've blamed her for my anger... and I came to a startling realization. She may have been a factor or catalyst, but it was M who had really and truly hurt me.* This leads me to my next breakthrough, she doesn't really have that much power over me!

Just because I can, I'll give you a run down of what I'm talking about...

  • Back in 2000, M graduated from college. His sister didn't attend his graduation (or ever visit him) because it was inconvenient and someone told her it was bad luck to fly before her wedding which was the following week. We missed out on all of the good-bye parties to fly up and participate in the pre-wedding suckage. :( -This is just one example of many, many times we've gone out of our way to be there for her.

  • When M and I got engaged, his mom wanted to throw a bridal shower for me (sweet, I know) with all of her friends and family, mostly people I didn't know. (I had another with my family and friends in MD.) I'm a big chicken, so I asked M to please stay in the house, he didn't have to sit with me, but I needed him nearby for moral support and comfort. His mom and sister were aware of this request, so I was shocked when I couldn't find M to offer him some cake. I looked everywhere and finally asked them if they knew where he was. They admitted that his sister had asked him to go over to her house and help her husband move some stuff. I felt so betrayed, by all of them. -Stupid, I know.

  • When it was our turn to get married, his sister and husband didn't attend, they had started trying to get pregnant right after we announced our engagement/wedding date and were (big shock) successful on the first try. She was 8 1/2 months pregnant and couldn't fly, who knew?! Did I mention that we had asked her husband to be best man before they announced the pregnancy (he had accepted) and as the big day got closer he wouldn't return our phone calls. To say this stressed me out is an understatement. We ended up replacing him at the last minute (obviously) but not after taking a lot of shit from M's family about the whole mess. The impending birth of the first grandchild definitely trumped our wedding when it came to his family. I'm not bitter....noooo, not at all.

  • We returned from our wedding to attend the baby shower, and celebrate the birth of our nephew. Everything was somewhat okay, until M's sister asked M to be godfather...and didn't ask me to be godmother. I know that everyone does this sort of thing differently, but after the wedding debacle, I thought it would have been a nice gesture. It became a great source of pain for me, because I'm weird like that, and took it as another slap from his family. Of course M's family didn't understand why I was hurt and encouraged M to accept, which he did against my wishes. I almost didn't attend the Christening because I was so upset, but decided to suck it up at the last minute so they wouldn't think I was a total bitch. I'm still not sure if I did the right thing.

  • Of course there was the pregnancy last summer where I was the ONLY one who didn't know -at M's request. Talk about embarassing! (Just this once, in his defense, he was trying to protect my IF feelings)

  • Last but not least, the unauthorized IF discussion M had with his sister and brother in law.
Looking back over this, even though his sister was involved in every scenario, it was M's actions that have ultimitely hurt me the most. He was the one that had a choice to make and in my oppinion, chose poorly. Now that I've realized this, I'm hoping that I can start to move past all of this old baggage. M has apologized (many times) and realizes that he has to be more aware of his actions and how they affect me -his wife. He has gotten so much better in the last 4 years or so, but obviously there is room for improvement.

I'm really hoping I can let go of some anger now. Thanks for listening.

*Disclaimer: M is a really great husband and I love him dearly, he's just not perfect quite yet!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Husband/SIL Problems

M and I had a long talk about everything last night. Hopefully we've cleared the air a little and resolved some issues -maybe. He apologized for being sneaky about talking to his sister regarding our IF issues. Clearly he didn't go about it the right way and hopefully it won't happen again. He says it won't anyway.

M is (normally) a very straightforward and honest guy, that's one of the things I love about him. Unfortunately his family is not, they have a bad habit of lying when it suits them. M is one of the few that doesn't seem to have this trait... except when it comes to his sister. She can get him to do things he normally wouldn't, in the past she's used this super-power against me which turns me into a big mess of rage and anger. M of course always feels bad, but he also forgives her easily, so somehow we end up back where we started.

I hate the idea that I make him feel like he has to lie to cover up his relationship with her. Last night I made it clear that I prefer the truth, no matter how painful. So he's got to man up and deal with this honestly.

M of course points out that if his sister and I would just get along he wouldn't be in this position. I counter that I've tried to get along with her many times in the past 10 years and she has continuously made it difficult with her selfishness.* I don't even know how to deal with that sort of thing except to not deal with it.

He's not going stop talking to her (no matter how much I love the idea) so I have to accept that she's always going to be in his/our lives to some extent. Bleh. I really don't know how to make this easier on him and myself. Suggestions are welcome!

*I realize that M's sister is not the guilty party in this situation, I'm mad at M...but I still have to figure out how to get along with her.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Back to Earth or Out in Space?

Hi Everyone,

I think Father's day brought me back down to Earth. Nothing like non-stop commercials of parents with their happy children to remind me of what I don't, and may never have. That coupled with M's sisters impending visit has sent me into a serious funk.

I have serious issues with her. It's all in my head at this point as I haven't been able to entirely let go of past problems that she and her family have caused me. So now, every little thing that she does (purposely or not) pisses me off.

Rationally I know that I'm responsible for letting her get to me, but honestly, I get so angry when I even think of her. I want this to change, but I don't know how! Perhaps some therapy is in order. It's not right, but I would be happy if I never had to see her again -ever.

Okay, so now you know the context for the following drama... I recently found out that M has consulted her (and her husband) of all people about our IF issues. Her husband is an OBGYN (and an ass) but even so, they would be the last people on Earth that I want knowing the details of our IF issues. She is not always a nice or honest person. It's hard to see her have so many of the things that I desire, like three children.

To say that I am pissed about this is an understatement. I thought M and I had agreed to limit the circle of people we talked about this with, particularly leaving out the majority of his family. It was an extreme blow to find out that someone I dislike vehemently has first hand knowledge about the pain and difficulties we've been going through. This also explains the sudden interest M has with visiting NY for consultations.

Clearly M knows my feelings about her, so it's no surprise that he tried to keep the details from me. Not a good idea. Of course I eventually realized what was really going on and freaked the hell out. I understand his desire to reach out for help, but I still have issues with the way he went about it. It's reminiscent of last summers horrific pregnancy announcement given by a 3 year old.

Okay, to get back to the impending visit, M's parents are flying up to NY and bringing back his sisters two older children, ages 4 and 6 for a few weeks(!). I'm looking forward to spending some time with them... or is it that they give me an excuse to visit water parks while they're here. The down side is, M's sister will be flying down with her new baby to pick up the kids.

I haven't seen this baby and honestly would love to keep it that way. I know it makes me a horrible aunt, but I feel like that should be my baby. She already has two, did she really need to have a third? I can't even imagine holding the baby in front of everyone, it really seems like a nightmare situation, especially knowing that she knows I can't have any of my own. I hate the way M's family makes me feel.

I am so fucking bitter.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Girls Just Want to Have Fun!

Hi everyone who reads this!

I know... I've disappeared for a while. Everything is just fine, thanks for your concern Kymberli. I haven't been all that active with the blogs, but I do check in, even if I don't comment as often.

I haven't posted mainly because I don't have much to report. I feel like I'm not an active member of the IF club right now...and not because I've been blessed with a miracle. I'm certainly not pregnant! It's just that I've completely abandoned all treatment, there's really nothing to be done until the money is scraped together for a Big IVF.

I did call several of the Drs. in NY to discuss consultations, but decided there's really no rush at the moment. We were thinking of flying up the week of July 4th with friends and squeezing in some face time with Cornell and NYU but with the cost of travel being so high we've decided to wait until we're a little closer to actually doing the IVF thing. Hopefully flights will be a bit more reasonable by then -ha!

In case you're wondering, we still sort of "try" each month, I can't help but know where I am in any given cycle but I've basically given up. There's no longer a forced 4-5 day sex marathon focused around cd14. See, I told you I'm not an active member of the IF club right now, I don't even have any OPK's in the house! Instead we are having a -gasp!- normal sex life. :) It has been very liberating to not expect anything during the 2ww.

I've decided to not let the (2%) possibility of a pregnancy stop me from living a normal life right now. Loosely translated: if I want a drink, I have one, if I want to go out with friends and really drink, I do. No more sitting at home or being so damn responsible! I'm going to enjoy this summer.

This new found freedom makes me feel young again. Not that I'm old, but it's been a lot of work trying to make every cycle perfect and I feel like I've missed out on a lot because of it. I don't know how long this change will last. It's as if I've been replaced by a slightly more immature selfish version of myself -and I like it.