Friday, June 20, 2008


I never would have guessed that writing my troubles for everyone to read could lead to such insight. Who needs counseling, when I have all of you!

I was thinking about all of the issues I have with M's sister and its become increasingly clear that the last two really weren't about her. This got me to thinking about some of the other times I've blamed her for my anger... and I came to a startling realization. She may have been a factor or catalyst, but it was M who had really and truly hurt me.* This leads me to my next breakthrough, she doesn't really have that much power over me!

Just because I can, I'll give you a run down of what I'm talking about...

  • Back in 2000, M graduated from college. His sister didn't attend his graduation (or ever visit him) because it was inconvenient and someone told her it was bad luck to fly before her wedding which was the following week. We missed out on all of the good-bye parties to fly up and participate in the pre-wedding suckage. :( -This is just one example of many, many times we've gone out of our way to be there for her.

  • When M and I got engaged, his mom wanted to throw a bridal shower for me (sweet, I know) with all of her friends and family, mostly people I didn't know. (I had another with my family and friends in MD.) I'm a big chicken, so I asked M to please stay in the house, he didn't have to sit with me, but I needed him nearby for moral support and comfort. His mom and sister were aware of this request, so I was shocked when I couldn't find M to offer him some cake. I looked everywhere and finally asked them if they knew where he was. They admitted that his sister had asked him to go over to her house and help her husband move some stuff. I felt so betrayed, by all of them. -Stupid, I know.

  • When it was our turn to get married, his sister and husband didn't attend, they had started trying to get pregnant right after we announced our engagement/wedding date and were (big shock) successful on the first try. She was 8 1/2 months pregnant and couldn't fly, who knew?! Did I mention that we had asked her husband to be best man before they announced the pregnancy (he had accepted) and as the big day got closer he wouldn't return our phone calls. To say this stressed me out is an understatement. We ended up replacing him at the last minute (obviously) but not after taking a lot of shit from M's family about the whole mess. The impending birth of the first grandchild definitely trumped our wedding when it came to his family. I'm not bitter....noooo, not at all.

  • We returned from our wedding to attend the baby shower, and celebrate the birth of our nephew. Everything was somewhat okay, until M's sister asked M to be godfather...and didn't ask me to be godmother. I know that everyone does this sort of thing differently, but after the wedding debacle, I thought it would have been a nice gesture. It became a great source of pain for me, because I'm weird like that, and took it as another slap from his family. Of course M's family didn't understand why I was hurt and encouraged M to accept, which he did against my wishes. I almost didn't attend the Christening because I was so upset, but decided to suck it up at the last minute so they wouldn't think I was a total bitch. I'm still not sure if I did the right thing.

  • Of course there was the pregnancy last summer where I was the ONLY one who didn't know -at M's request. Talk about embarassing! (Just this once, in his defense, he was trying to protect my IF feelings)

  • Last but not least, the unauthorized IF discussion M had with his sister and brother in law.
Looking back over this, even though his sister was involved in every scenario, it was M's actions that have ultimitely hurt me the most. He was the one that had a choice to make and in my oppinion, chose poorly. Now that I've realized this, I'm hoping that I can start to move past all of this old baggage. M has apologized (many times) and realizes that he has to be more aware of his actions and how they affect me -his wife. He has gotten so much better in the last 4 years or so, but obviously there is room for improvement.

I'm really hoping I can let go of some anger now. Thanks for listening.

*Disclaimer: M is a really great husband and I love him dearly, he's just not perfect quite yet!


sara said...

I hope things continue to get better moving forward. It sounds like you've been busy sorting stuff out and doing a lot of reflecting. None of it sounds easy to deal with and I'm keeping you in my thoughts!

Ms Heathen said...

Thank you so much for stopping by my blog and commenting.

I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties with M's sister. I think that in laws can be difficult enough to cope with, even without infertility.

soapchick said...

You're welcome for listening! Hope the anger dissipates too. Your hubby is a great guy and relationships have their ups and downs! Hang in there!

Barb said...

We understand your disclaimer. No one's marriage is perfect all the time, and you wouldn't have married him if he wasn't a good guy. :) You're too smart for that. It's ok to have issues.

I'm glad blogging is helping you. It sure helps me. It helps me to the point that I don't think I need a therapist to work through it. And as for your 2nd comment... i'm there with you. It's similar for me with Hub's family, and I would have been REALLY hurt had that been me. It's a weird quirk of mine. I'm a bit dependent on him.. especially around them.