Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Back to Earth or Out in Space?

Hi Everyone,

I think Father's day brought me back down to Earth. Nothing like non-stop commercials of parents with their happy children to remind me of what I don't, and may never have. That coupled with M's sisters impending visit has sent me into a serious funk.

I have serious issues with her. It's all in my head at this point as I haven't been able to entirely let go of past problems that she and her family have caused me. So now, every little thing that she does (purposely or not) pisses me off.

Rationally I know that I'm responsible for letting her get to me, but honestly, I get so angry when I even think of her. I want this to change, but I don't know how! Perhaps some therapy is in order. It's not right, but I would be happy if I never had to see her again -ever.

Okay, so now you know the context for the following drama... I recently found out that M has consulted her (and her husband) of all people about our IF issues. Her husband is an OBGYN (and an ass) but even so, they would be the last people on Earth that I want knowing the details of our IF issues. She is not always a nice or honest person. It's hard to see her have so many of the things that I desire, like three children.

To say that I am pissed about this is an understatement. I thought M and I had agreed to limit the circle of people we talked about this with, particularly leaving out the majority of his family. It was an extreme blow to find out that someone I dislike vehemently has first hand knowledge about the pain and difficulties we've been going through. This also explains the sudden interest M has with visiting NY for consultations.

Clearly M knows my feelings about her, so it's no surprise that he tried to keep the details from me. Not a good idea. Of course I eventually realized what was really going on and freaked the hell out. I understand his desire to reach out for help, but I still have issues with the way he went about it. It's reminiscent of last summers horrific pregnancy announcement given by a 3 year old.

Okay, to get back to the impending visit, M's parents are flying up to NY and bringing back his sisters two older children, ages 4 and 6 for a few weeks(!). I'm looking forward to spending some time with them... or is it that they give me an excuse to visit water parks while they're here. The down side is, M's sister will be flying down with her new baby to pick up the kids.

I haven't seen this baby and honestly would love to keep it that way. I know it makes me a horrible aunt, but I feel like that should be my baby. She already has two, did she really need to have a third? I can't even imagine holding the baby in front of everyone, it really seems like a nightmare situation, especially knowing that she knows I can't have any of my own. I hate the way M's family makes me feel.

I am so fucking bitter.

1 comment:

Barb said...

ditto to that last line :(