Saturday was the first day that M and I could have a decent conversation about our IF plans. It’s been hard to find the time to talk about everything. M’s slammed with work right now and I’ve been waiting until he’s had a chance to breathe before diving into IVF, adoption, money, etc.
I mentioned that I’ve been doing some serious second guessing about IVF. I explained that although I want very much to get pregnant, I don’t really believe that it’s possible anymore.* I also expressed my concerns about how I’ll be able to cope if it fails. I’m worried that I won’t do well and I’ll be resentful and angry if we can’t move on because we’re further in debt.
M seemed a little taken aback by all of this. Rightly so, he believed we had a plan of action, and I suddenly wanted to switch gears on him. M concentrates on the positive aspect of doing IVF and doesn’t seem to understand why I only think about the negative.
I was given directions to focus on one thing at a time and to stop jumping ahead of myself. I totally get where he’s coming from, and I think he’s right in many ways. But of course I still argued my point, because that’s how I am. It took me a while and a lot of tears to explain why I need to plan for the worst case scenario. I need a backup plan and right now we don’t have a good one.
I think he understands now, but I’m not sure that he really gets it. M is so much more optimistic about this than I am. I almost feel bad, as if he’s an IF newbie about to be crushed for the first time. I know that seems weird, since he’s been there through all of the IUI’s and the mini IVF, but I think if this one doesn’t work out, it will be different for him.
M really believes that this is going to work for us. It doesn’t matter that I’ve explained the odds, his boss at work did IVF twice and it worked like a charm. He doesn’t think we are any different.
I really hope he’s right.
So for now, we’re going to continue on towards IVF, apparently without a backup plan.
*Okay, maybe I still have a little hope, but not all that much