Tuesday, July 8, 2008

No Net

Saturday was the first day that M and I could have a decent conversation about our IF plans. It’s been hard to find the time to talk about everything. M’s slammed with work right now and I’ve been waiting until he’s had a chance to breathe before diving into IVF, adoption, money, etc.

I mentioned that I’ve been doing some serious second guessing about IVF. I explained that although I want very much to get pregnant, I don’t really believe that it’s possible anymore.* I also expressed my concerns about how I’ll be able to cope if it fails. I’m worried that I won’t do well and I’ll be resentful and angry if we can’t move on because we’re further in debt.

M seemed a little taken aback by all of this. Rightly so, he believed we had a plan of action, and I suddenly wanted to switch gears on him. M concentrates on the positive aspect of doing IVF and doesn’t seem to understand why I only think about the negative.

I was given directions to focus on one thing at a time and to stop jumping ahead of myself. I totally get where he’s coming from, and I think he’s right in many ways. But of course I still argued my point, because that’s how I am. It took me a while and a lot of tears to explain why I need to plan for the worst case scenario. I need a backup plan and right now we don’t have a good one.

I think he understands now, but I’m not sure that he really gets it. M is so much more optimistic about this than I am. I almost feel bad, as if he’s an IF newbie about to be crushed for the first time. I know that seems weird, since he’s been there through all of the IUI’s and the mini IVF, but I think if this one doesn’t work out, it will be different for him.

M really believes that this is going to work for us. It doesn’t matter that I’ve explained the odds, his boss at work did IVF twice and it worked like a charm. He doesn’t think we are any different.
I really hope he’s right.

So for now, we’re going to continue on towards IVF, apparently without a backup plan.
*Okay, maybe I still have a little hope, but not all that much


Kymberli said...

The differences between the way we process and cope with things and the way our husbands do is one of the hardest aspects about dealing with IF. I hope that your husband is able to use his positive angle in a way that is supportive and strengthening for you.

Just Me. said...

It took us 2 years to decide that we had no where to turn but possibly look at IVF as an option. I could possibly start my first cycle with IVF in a month's time or so. It's not an easy decision to make but i hope you will be happy with any decision that you've made. (((((hugs))))))

Barb said...

We have similar thoughts on a lot of this. sigh. It just sucks.