Thursday, July 24, 2008

My Move

BF wrote me back last night. She apologized for not realizing how difficult this is for me, but ended the e-mail with this:

You don't have to worry about me telling you details of this pregnancy. I promise not a word. I need to surround myself with real happiness right now to help me get through this scary transition and very apprehensive first stages. I'm sorry things didn't work out the way we would have liked them to...

I don’t know how to respond, I’ve already explained that I’m both happy and sad. Happy for them but sad for us. I think I made it clear that it was the way the news was delivered that was hurtful, and that with time, I will be a lot happier. Is it just me or does it sound like she’s writing me off because I’m not 100% over the moon? I hope I’m not misinterpreting her meaning, but I’m very confused.

Was my struggle and desire not clear enough all these years? Did I not convey the depth of my IF pain? Did she not witness my sadness with my SIL’s third pregnancy? I don’t know why she would expect so much from me so fast.

I’m tempted to explain it all to her again, but I don’t want to beat a dead horse. I’m also tempted to give her this helpful bit of reading, but I’m not sure how it will be received. Maybe I should just send her a card in the mail and let some time pass.

Honestly, I don’t even know how much support I should offer at this point. Should I insist on being included or is that just asking for trouble considering she doesn’t get where I’m coming from. Should I just walk away and let her decide? Obviously I might not have a choice, but how do I approach this?

Thank you so much for listening to my whining and drama.

P.S. I'm really doing okay, just a little sad about all of this. M has been so supportive. :)


soapchick said...

Stephanie - okay here's my assvice. Feel free to ignore all of it. I would just let things go for a few days, don't email her back, don't call her, just give each of you some time to breathe, think, process. Your friendship will survive this, but it might need a few days of a breather.

I do think her last paragraph there was a bit defensive in the sense of "oh don't you worry young missy, i won't tell you a single thing".... but that is where she is at right now. She was and is still self-absorbed and to her, the pregnancy is the only thing in the world that she is focusing on - and how her world has been turned upside down. She honestly doesn't have it in her to offer you a whole lot of support.

One important thing I learned when my best friend was sick and then died of breast cancer is that until someone goes through "it" (whatever "it" is), they just don't get it. Even when you've communicated all of your pain and heartache over the past few years of your infertility, a lot of people don't get stuff until or unless they go through it themselves. At the time my friend died, I had been dating someone for only about 5 months. He didn't understand why I was upset that he didn't go to her funeral (he went to the funeral home so in his mind he did his duty). He didn't understand why I was so upset when she actually died - since in his mind I "knew" she was going to die - it wasn't a surprise. It wasn't until his father became sick with leukemia and died that he finally "got it". He even told me so.

The more we go through ourselves, "usually" the more compassionate we are able to be to others. Your friend just might need to go through her own shit and come out the other end before she will be able to look at the bigger picture...but then again maybe she'll never get there.

I know that isn't really much advice, just thoughts. Hugs.

soapchick said...

maybe i should've emailed you that novel instead of taking up all of your comment space. Sorry!

Stephanie said...


Thankyou so much (and everyone else!!!) for your input. I think with this latest email, I do need to leave her alone for a bit.

She needs to come to terms with her situation and I guess I shouldn't have expected her to be able to deal with mine as well. I totally get it. We're both being a little too self absorbed! ;)

I'm so sorry that you lost your friend to cancer. I don't even want to imagine how horrible that was for you. Thank you for sharing that story, I don't know if you meant to, but it helped put my problems into perspective.

Thanks again, you are so sweet.

Kymberli said...

It did sound to me like she's writing you off in a way. I think that she's just as lost as you are with trying to figure out how to handle the situation, but it was unfortunate that she seemed so quick to resolve the problem by not dealing with it.

I think one thing that might be helpful is to understand that not all resolutions happen quickly. This is likely to be a slow process without an easy fix, sadly. Sometimes the best things that friends can do to help each other is just to give each other some space. I agree wholeheartedly with soapchick's last paragraph, and that likely applies to both of you. (((HUGS)))

Sassy said...

So they're allowed to be sad now and happy later, but you have to be happy for them right now? That doesn't seem fair to me.

Really, I think you've been a great friend. You were there for her and you were as supportive as you could be. She was the inconsiderate one. Just because she doesn't 'get it' doesn't mean that it's okay.

Stephanie said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I was begining to think I was crazy ;)

I'm definitely not going to touch this for a while. There's no point in stirring things up right now.

I don't think I should have to explain myself again, so I'm not going to. Thanks for helping me sort all of this.

Ellen K. said...

I think Soapchick said it very well. Both you and your friend are running on low emotional reserves, so to speak. That's temporary. Later, if you find that she is pushing you away (i.e., you're the last to know her ultrasound result, she doesn't include you in shower planning), you can push harder to be included, if you wish.

Anonymous said...

I'm not in a good place w/ friends to give advice about them. Mine have all been pissing me off lately. One of the reasons I don't tell friends about my "stuff" is b/c I know I will be disappointed by them and our friendships will end (great attitude, huh?).
Anyway, listen to everyone else's advice and just know that I'm sorry you are going through this. It is so hard when our friends get what we want and we have to sit by and watch.

Brierley & Clover said...

I think there has to be a time when you just take care of yourself, regardless of how that looks to anyone else. I'd be so incredibly hurt if my BF treated me and my infertility with such disregard - and I agree that she was patronising and condescending in that email. I think for self preservation, time apart from her would be a good thing. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with that crap - infertility just sucks so much x

Barb said...

I like soapchick's advice a lot. I'd do the same. :) She's probably raging with hormones right now too and can't truly understand your position anyway. xoxoxo

Barb said...

p.s. I was going to say that actions speak louder than words. So your ideas of sending a card and such are good ones. Maybe you can even start making things for the baby and such. Later, when things have calmed down, you can say that though pregnancies are sometimes hard for you, you do want to be involved b/c you love her and the baby. What I've told some of my friends is that once is about that CHILD for me and not the pg itself, then I'm ok