Sunday, March 1, 2009

Friendship Closure?

Okay, I have a question for you ladies out there. You remember the best friend saga. Well, it's been bothering me for quite some time and I want to put it behind me. I'm just not sure if it's selfish on my part to contact her and officially say goodbye, but I'm seriously considering it.

If I do, I plan on sending her a letter (see below), congratulatory baby card, a small baby gift and call it done.


When you said “I need to surround myself with real happiness right now” I didn’t think you would just drop a long time friend. I’m not sure the real reason, but I have a few theories...

Perhaps you feel embarrased about what happened and don’t know how to talk to me?

Perhaps you are angry that I couldn’t completely ignore my own feelings of “desperation” as you call them and pretend that your poorly delivered news was the best day ever?

Perhaps you just don’t want my infertility to taint your pregnancy and you don’t want to have to consider someone else’s feelings?

Whichever it is, all though I am curious, it’s more or less destroyed what friendship we had. I don’t really get why you would feel the need to go this route, I made it clear that I am happy for you and J and that I wasn’t asking for this dramatic severing of a friendship. I just wanted some consideration during a difficult time in my life, just as you deserve support (even if it couldn't always be from me) during an exciting time in yours. But hey, whatever.

For what it’s worth, I’m trying to forgive you for what happened and let this all go so that I can move forward without too much emotional baggage. I hope you can do the same and that you J and the baby have a happy and healthy life together.

Since it appears that we won’t be getting together any time soon and I never got your new address, I figured dropping this off with J at work would be the best way to close this chapter. So here's the dish and fingernail polish you left at my house as well as the book I borrowed.

Good luck and best wishes!

Your old friend,


P.S. Not that you care, but it’s bothered me how you viewed my “time spent reading blogs and researching” as a negative. Thank God *I* blog and have the support of people who ‘get it’ in place to deal with situations like this! Maybe now that you are expecting you might see how valuable it is to do a little research and have friends who understand exactly what you’re going through?! Just saying.

So, what do you think? Selfish and obnoxious, or honest and deserved? I am still clearly hurt and angry, but maybe it's not right to share that with her? I would really like to have this behind me before starting IVF 2 next month and I think this *might* be the best way.

Because I would be dropping this off with her husband, I'd have him read the letter and make the call about giving it to her. I honestly don't want to upset her in anyway that would affect her health.

Sorry to bring this up time and again, but it's really been a difficult situation for me to resolve. I feel so much guilt for being the sucky infertile friend, but also so much anger that K wasn't able to handle this in a more mature manner.

Thanks for playing along. :)


Mrs.X said...

Hi - just found your blog and briefly caught up on the saga (and such a saga!).

Here is my thought fully recognizing that I don't know you or her, but that never stopped me from giving assvice! I don't think that your friend is ever going to get it. No amount of letters or talks are going to help her see that she is just self-absorbed and lacking in a certain amount of empathy.

I would just give her a nice note telling her that you don't see a future to your friendship since she has made it pretty clear that you are no longer someone that she wants to have around her. Be gracious (as you have been already) and just break the tie. Maybe someday she'll figure it out and realize that she did just about everything you aren't supposed to do. But right now, I think the lesson would be lost on her.

Best of luck on your upcoming cycle!

Barb said...

Ah this makes me so sad for you. :(

I think the need for your closure is well founded. I think your letter is really well worded, but in a way, it may open things up again. If she does respond, you could start the working through it that may or may not work, and it may be painful. If she doesn't respond, you may feel more betrayed or weird about what you wrote. Those are just things that would happen for me, so you may be different. :)

So if I were you, I'd keep those same themes but simplify it a bit and give her no ammo to hurt you or no reason for you to doubt yourself. You know what I mean? Basically, I mean don't put yourself out there for her.

But ultimately, it comes down to what makes YOU feel good to do.
xoxoxoxo and best luck with this. I'm so sorry it happens to any of us.

Pepper said...

I remember reading about the way your former BFF delivered her news back when it happened and being shocked at her insensitivity. I'm sorry she hasn't grown up.

In my going on four decades I've learned that people reflexively get defensive whenever they hear the word "you." It sounds like an accusation even when it's meant as an observation. She won't hear you if she feels you're accusing her of something and I agree that it may stir up more drama.

It's much more effective to phrase things in terms of your own experience. "I was hurt when I didn't hear from you." "I didn't know if you wanted to hear from me, so I gave you space so that you could enjoy your pregnancy to the fullest."

I think that's enough assvice for one comment so I'll stop there.

Best of luck and I hope this letter brings the closure for you.