Breathe, It'll Be Over Soon!

I'm still here. I'm trying to stay calm, because my test is in 3 days!!! I'm semi-prepared, but not awesomely prepared. Maybe I can become a little more awesome in the next two days?

To keep myself reasonably calm, I've given myself permission to fail one of the three sections. Horrible isn't it? But it helps. I want to pass the whole thing, but I'll go easy on myself if I don't.

The first two sections, given on the first day are multiple choice, but tricky. I'm hoping to pass those, as that's what I'm mostly studying for.

The third section and second day of the test is the practicum. It involves problem solving a floor plan and drawing it out, as well as doing details, and other fun stuff I won't bore you with. While it's possible to practice for that, I haven't put in much time, so I'm looking at that part as a trial run for the fall when I take it again.

Wish me luck!

(At least it's distracting me from all the baby making stuff...ha ha ha)

Study, Study, Study?!

My exam is a week away tomorrow! I've been trying to study regularly for the past few months, but now it's crunch time. I forgot what it's like to force so much (often trivial) information in my head.

Otherwise, I'm trying to remain calm and patient for mid April. I'm going to have to start a list for packing, otherwise I'm going to drive myself crazy with all of the random thoughts about going to NY.

BTW, does anyone put much stock in the high protein low carb diet for IVF? Just curious.


This is totally unrelated to all things IF, but I just had to post this bit of common sense politics. Daniel Hannan may be my new hero. I don't know how to imbed a youtube video directly. :(

It's a Go!

I don't know if a girl could be looking forward to surgical procedure than I am!? LOL

I am officially scheduled for my Polypectomy on Friday, April 17th. I need to be in NY on Wednesday the 15th for the pre-op visit, so I'll possibly be in NY for a total of four weeks if all goes well.

Due to the change of plans and the length of time I'll be away, I've decided that I'm going to drive up to NY. It'll be easier on me if I have a car and I don't have to worry about plane tickets and timing etc.

So the new plan goes like this: I'll drive up to Maryland Saturday April 11th, stay through Easter and drop off one of our dogs. Roxy's our 2 year old stubborn dalmation-mix. She's super sweet, but a little intense and adverse to training (I trained our Husky mix with no problems). No one down here wants to dog sit her while M and I are both out of town. No one except my uncle in MD -he really likes her, and who am I to keep them apart. :) M is hoping that this will become a permanent arangement, but I'm not so sure.

Yes, that's what Roxy did to one of my favorite shoes when I came home from work late, too bad she didn't give me a matching pair.

Anyway, I'll finish the trip to NY and then either M or my Mom will come up for the Laporoscopy. I'm not sure if I'll stay with my friends at that point, or if we'll get a hotel room. But after the surgery, I'm definitely staying with my former college roomates. That's going to be fun, so I have something to look forward to.

When the time is right, M will fly up and I guess we'll get a hotel for retrieval etc. Then we'll drive back home together, hopefully making a stop in MD (to pick up Roxy?) and then again in Savannah, GA. At least that's what I'm thinking right now. M is worried that I shouldn't drive such a long distance, I don't think it should be a big deal, as long as NY-RE says it's okay.

Sorry, that was a boring, rambling post about nothing.

Good News!

I heard back from Emily this morning. She's so nice, have I mentioned that? She wanted to know how the visit with my gynecologist went and if they'd do the surgery. I filled her in, but told her that M and I might want to skip all the stuff down here in Florida and just take care of business in NY.

I don't know if I've mentioned, but M is in charge of this IVF cycle (I was in charge of most of the past decisions with IVF-1 and now it's his turn...this is how we decided to resolve our differences about this mess because we're both stubborn!). So he voted that we move everything up North, including the surgery.

I was very apprehensive about this plan (and let M know it!), it seemed to be a lot of trouble (for me), but after speaking with Emily and the NY-RE, it's making so much more sense.

You know how I had my panties in a bunch over the surgery/IVF-2 timeline dragging out? Well NY-RE put my mind at ease, there will be no waiting between the surgery and IVF-2!!! Can I get a hell yeah?! Don't worry, I asked repeatedly, and he said that it shouldn't be a problem, as long as there aren't any complications.

I'm waiting for the surgical nurse to call about scheduling the Hysteroscopy, but he said he could possibly do it Friday, April 17 when he gets back from vay-cay. He would then check me out on Monday and give me the go ahead for stims that same week! That would put me at retrieval around the first week of May. Only a few weeks behind schedule, not bad, and I won't have to worry about co-ordinating all the different Dr's, I'll just stay in NY for three weeks instead of two.

So here is the bad news, 'cause it couldn't all be good. I would miss my friends wedding reception and be unable to make her wedding cake. I might know someone who could step in and fill my shoes, but of course that's up to my friend. I feel horrible to do this to her, but I know she'll understand. But still.

Delayed Until???

It's official, IVF-2 is being delayed. I spoke with Emily and she confirmed what I already knew, that I won't be able to stick to the schedule.

I had my follow up breast exam with my ARNP gynecologist today, which was the perfect setting for grilling her about doing the Hysteroscopy/Polypectomy. I think she got the picture that I'm not happy with their views (it's not medically necessary -ha) about doing the Saline Sonohysterogram. I asked if they would be willing to do the Hysteroscopy/Polypectomy since it's now clear I have a medical need for that. She said they would.

I now have a surgical consult scheduled for April 1 with a Dr. in the practice. I don't want to wait nearly 3 weeks just for the consult!

I am so frustrated and dissapointed by all of this. Not surprised, just frustrated. I had finally geared up for this, and now I have to wait for who knows how long.

Emily is going to speak with the RE and get some more information from him and pass it on to me later today or Monday. Not sure what's going to happen, but it looks like IVF-2 might not happen until May or June.

Polyps=Fun

I survived the Saline Sonohysterogram! It wasn't nearly as bad as I feared it would be. It was similar to an IUI, but maybe a touch more cramping. I'm still feeling the effects now, but it's not too bad. I took the advice found on Stirrup Queens blog and took two advil beforehand.

I ended up going to the radiology clinic instead of my gynecologist. When I spoke to the gynecologists nurse, she informed me that I would have to pay out of pocket, as it's related to IF...blah, blah, blah. When I called up the radiology clinic, they were much more cooperative and were going to let insurance pick up the tab.

The tech that did the wanding was awesome, she has plenty of experience doing Sonohysterograms and let the marketing department of the clinic know that the yahoos answering the phone (I told her that I was nervous because they didn't even know what a Sonohysterogram was when I called to make the appointment) aren't on top of things.

She was also impressed with my wanding experience. She was having a hard time finding my left ovary, so I offered to press down on it for her. She started laughing and shared with the other tech. Ahhhh...funny yet a little sad.

Now for the bad news. I failed the test, I have more polyps. She and the Dr. saw at least three polyps while they were poking around. I'm still waiting to hear back from Emily in NY to find out what will happen next. Obviously the polyps have to come out first which most likely means there is a hysteroscopy in my future (where, I don't know).

I'm hoping that I won't have to postpone the IVF if I can get the polyps removed in a timely manner, but I don't know how likely that is. I also don't know if they require a waiting period before proceeding with IVF afterwards. I hope it's minimal, as I don't want to grow more polyps while I'm waiting!

Did I mention I just bought the plane tickets for NY yesterday? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Almost Changed My Mind

Whew, that was close.

I went to my CD3 scan today. Other than the annoying 45 min wait and having to explain my situation to everyone (using a different RE), it went fine. After it was over, I marched directly next door to try to persuade my gyn-y to do the saline-sonohystogram instead of making me go to some skeevy clinic that may or may not know how to do that sono-thingy-ma-bob, what was it called again?

Instead of being directly turned away by the staff (as I was by phone), I was allowed to write my request on a walk-in triage form which was handed to my gyn-y. I was then told to wait for a call from her to discuss the situation. Unfortunately, I missed her phone call today (my Iphone is acting up), so I'm going to have to call her back on Monday. But there is hope.

Anyway, for some reason I started to majorly freak out about the scheduling of the IVF-2 -as it almost conflicts with that stupid licensing test I signed up for. I actually did tell Emily that I thought it best to wait another cycle but then changed my mind back. I'm sure she thinks I'm crazy.

Hopefully it will all work out, I'll just be on bcp's longer than normal, about 24 days which means two packs. My main concern is just being able to concentrate on studying and taking the test with the IVF-2 underway. If everthing goes well, I'll start stimming the day before the exam.

Keeping with this schedule also allows me to be back in town for my friends wedding reception. I told my friend that I'd make her wedding cake and I would feel horrible if I backed out. In case you're wondering, I've never made a wedding cake, or any super fancy cake for that matter. LOL But, I've done a considerable amount of research and preparation for the feat.

I'll blog about the cake making soon. :)

Buying Drugs and Severing Ties

I bought drugs today, but not all of them! Thanks to Kym and her friend Kimmy, I was hooked up with 6 menopur!!! AWESOME...thanks again for being so generous and donating unused meds, it really helps.

So today is officially CD1 and I'm going in for my CD3 scan tomorrow. I'm sure you've noticed that tomorrow is really CD2...I've been reassured that it's cool to go a day early (my local clinic doesn't want to see me on Saturday).

On a different topic...

Today I dropped of the few items that my former friend, K left at my house. I stopped by her office and left everything, including a card and note with the receptionist. While I was there, I saw a co-worker of K's that I had met at K's bridal shower and wedding, she was very pleasant when she saw me. She chatted with me and told me that K is expecting a boy and what his name will be.

Surprisingly, this didn't really bother me much. I feel a sense of relief to have put this behind me. Thanks for all of your advice and support, hopefully this is the end of the drama :)

Sticker Shock

In yesterdays post, I called my IVF coordinator Kim, but that's the name of my local coordinator, my NY coordinators name is Emily. Ooops. Anyway, Emily called me back and we talked dates etc. I explained the situation and she said that I could stay on bcp for 25 days to allow for test taking. :)

I'm not overly excited about the length of time I'll have to be on the pill (the pill usually makes me feel like complete shit) but it's better than waiting another cycle.

So today, Emily called me again to say that she talked to Kim and my local office doesn't do the Salinesongogram, I didn't even ask why. Now I have to make a seperate appointment for that at a radiologists office. The thing is, when I called around, the outpatient clinics don't often perform this procedure, so now I'm nervous about the quality of care they will provide. I'm going to call Emily tomorrow and see what she recommends.

She also gave me a list of my meds and called it in to Freed.om Pharmacy for me. I asked her if I had to use them or if I could call around. She seemed surprised that I would want to take the time, but she said sure.

Now for the sticker shock...I called Freed.om Pharmacy to find out the total...OMG, I think my heart may have stopped for a second. They quoted $8000. Maybe compared to some of your cycles out there, it's not so bad, but I was expecting around $5,000 (still too high IMO).

Fortunately I had my quotes from the last IVF and started calling around to all of the major pharmacies. So far the best quote has come from The Apoth.ecary Shop at about $5,000. Much more reasonable which is why I used them last time too.

I also just rememberd the stash of leftover IVF-1 drugs I had in my bedroom closet! I have four of the five ganirelix and a few menopur! Hopefully I'll make it far enough to need it this time. ;) If only my follistim hadn't already expired...

Scheduling Conflict

I just spoke with my IVF coordinator, Kim in NY today. I woke up this morning with some spotting, so AF is just around the corner. I wanted to let her know, and find out about getting my bcp prescription and discuss protocol/timeline.

According to the information they sent in the mail, I would be on bcp anywhere from 14-28 days. I've always had it in my head that I'd take it for the full 28 and then begin stims. Well today, she said I'd take it for 10 days!!!

Whoa, 10 days is not long at all, I could possibly be stimming in 14-16 days if we stick to that time line. I'm all for getting things overwith, but this could cause some unexpected scheduling conflicts.

I'm going to stay with friends in NY for most of the monitoring and probably stay at a hotel with M when he comes up for the retrieval. I'm sure everything will work out fine with that, no biggie, I just wasn't planning to go to NY in March.

The most troublesome is this would put me out of town during the time I'm to sit for my Interior Design license. If the test was offered more often, I'd just take it the next time, but it only comes around twice a year. So if I don't sit for it in April, I won't be able to take it again until October. Not to mention that I've already put in over $700 to take it and I won't get a full refund if I reschedule.

I'm waiting for Kim to call me back, she said she'd set up the schedule and give me the info for my meds. I hope it's not a big deal, but I'm going to ask her if I can stay on bcp for 25 days so that I can take the test.

I'd hate to postpone IVF another month, I'm ready to get this over with now!!!

Simplified Goodbye

Thanks for listening to me rant about that mess. It's amazing what posting here does to give some perspective. Of course it's even more amazing to get feedback, something that is very appreciated in situations like this. You have helped me more than you know.

Taking into consideration your comments, I re-wrote my letter to K. I took out all of the accusatory, angry bitchiness (it felt so good to write all of that down!) and simplified it to a simple goodbye.

K,

I hope this letter finds you, J and the baby well.

The sudden ending of our friendship was an outcome I never could have imagined, but I hope it has allowed you to find the true happiness and support you needed. I want to let you know that I hope you find peace with the situation if you haven’t already.

I wish you, J and the baby a wonderful and happy life together.

Goodbye.

-Stephanie

But in all honesty, I'm not sure I need to send it after all. I might, just because I do want to return a few of her items that are in my possesion. So, do you think this letter is the better way to go?


BTW, I've been blogging a year now! Woohoo.

I can't believe it's March already!!! Just a few more weeks to go.

Friendship Closure?

Okay, I have a question for you ladies out there. You remember the best friend saga. Well, it's been bothering me for quite some time and I want to put it behind me. I'm just not sure if it's selfish on my part to contact her and officially say goodbye, but I'm seriously considering it.

If I do, I plan on sending her a letter (see below), congratulatory baby card, a small baby gift and call it done.


K,

When you said “I need to surround myself with real happiness right now” I didn’t think you would just drop a long time friend. I’m not sure the real reason, but I have a few theories...

Perhaps you feel embarrased about what happened and don’t know how to talk to me?

Perhaps you are angry that I couldn’t completely ignore my own feelings of “desperation” as you call them and pretend that your poorly delivered news was the best day ever?

Perhaps you just don’t want my infertility to taint your pregnancy and you don’t want to have to consider someone else’s feelings?

Whichever it is, all though I am curious, it’s more or less destroyed what friendship we had. I don’t really get why you would feel the need to go this route, I made it clear that I am happy for you and J and that I wasn’t asking for this dramatic severing of a friendship. I just wanted some consideration during a difficult time in my life, just as you deserve support (even if it couldn't always be from me) during an exciting time in yours. But hey, whatever.

For what it’s worth, I’m trying to forgive you for what happened and let this all go so that I can move forward without too much emotional baggage. I hope you can do the same and that you J and the baby have a happy and healthy life together.

Since it appears that we won’t be getting together any time soon and I never got your new address, I figured dropping this off with J at work would be the best way to close this chapter. So here's the dish and fingernail polish you left at my house as well as the book I borrowed.

Good luck and best wishes!

Your old friend,

Stephanie

P.S. Not that you care, but it’s bothered me how you viewed my “time spent reading blogs and researching” as a negative. Thank God *I* blog and have the support of people who ‘get it’ in place to deal with situations like this! Maybe now that you are expecting you might see how valuable it is to do a little research and have friends who understand exactly what you’re going through?! Just saying.


So, what do you think? Selfish and obnoxious, or honest and deserved? I am still clearly hurt and angry, but maybe it's not right to share that with her? I would really like to have this behind me before starting IVF 2 next month and I think this *might* be the best way.

Because I would be dropping this off with her husband, I'd have him read the letter and make the call about giving it to her. I honestly don't want to upset her in anyway that would affect her health.

Sorry to bring this up time and again, but it's really been a difficult situation for me to resolve. I feel so much guilt for being the sucky infertile friend, but also so much anger that K wasn't able to handle this in a more mature manner.

Thanks for playing along. :)