Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Is Child Free for Me?

Lately, I’ve been feeling very disconnected from baby making. If I had to guess, it’s probably a way of coping with the disaster that was my first IVF. I think the realization that my body is truly uncooperative and that future IVF’s might not work is slowly being processed. I MIGHT NEVER GET PREGNANT! Also, I think M finally understands that IVF doesn’t guarantee us a baby or two.

I’m fairly certain that this is just a phase and I won’t always feel this calm and accepting. But while I am, I’m allowing myself to explore other options, and this is one of them. Living child free.

M and I actually talked about not having children, but only in passing. It’s as if it’s something we’re both contemplating but are afraid to talk about. In some ways it seems premature to really accept that option into our lives. After all, we haven’t even tried the big IVF yet.

But, that hasn’t stopped me from toying with the idea. When I think about accepting that I can’t have children I actually feel a great weight lifted off of me. That's a little scary in itself.

For the past year or two I’ve had some internal struggles with career and children and how to juggle the two. I’ve allowed my anticipation of getting pregnant keep me from pursuing career advancement with any real vigor. I keep telling myself not to bother getting overly involved because any month now, I’ll be pregnant and preparing to stay home for a few years.

If only I had known two and a half years ago what I know now, Ha!

Not trying to get pregnant would clearly remove most of the roadblocks I’ve placed. I would be free to re-evaluate how I see myself and what I expect of myself. For better or worse, my life would be more about career, money, and me & M. Instead of trying for children, we would be more self indulgent, traveling, going to parties, and planning a childless life. At least that’s how I imagine it.

Honestly, it sounds nice. Maybe that’s because I haven’t had a normal life for so long. I miss traveling, going out drinking, dancing, and having fun. Those things have been too few and far between while cycling. It always seems like I’m in the 2ww when something good comes up or we’re just flat broke from the treatments.

I still would love to get pregnant, but an end to this mess would be great too. I don’t want to spend any more years living half a life. At least that’s how I feel today.


sara said...

I think that is a totally valid feeling you're having. So much of this consumes so many areas of our life and overpowers other decisions that we make. Without it in the picture things would definitaly be easier. The good thing is that right now you're free to feel as you want, there's no decision that had to be made can't be undone later, or can't be put off for later. You are in control. I forget that sometimes :-)

soapchick said...

Interesting question that will probably take many more months/experiences/conversations for you and your husband to answer. In the meantime I hope you can get your life back and enjoy living. Life is short so don't focus so much on tomorrow that you forget today. Someone recommended the book THE POWER OF NOW, although I admit I haven't read it yet.

Barb said...

Really good thoughts and questions. The peace is definitely tantalizing.


Anonymous said...

I am glad to hear that you are starting to look a the positive aspects of not having children. I urge you to continue this, and not to blow many many thousands of dollars on treatment that may be futile in the end anyway.

There are many advantages to being childfree, however if you decide at some point that you do want children then I would encourage you to adopt. This would save money versus extensive IVF treatment that you would have for your kid, especially if you go the public adoption route. There's a lot of kids out there who need homes, the process isn't always easy but neither is having a kid--it's not supposed to be. You give a home to a kid who needs one and you don't contribute to the (real) problem of overpopulation that the world is having. Just read the news about all the shortages in the world (food, water, oil, etc) and poverty.

And please realize I'm not saying all the above because you're having trouble conceiving. I'm 26 and got the snip three years ago with no kids, so I practice what I preach.

Anyway just saying I def. am glad you are finding happiness and peace.