Lately, I’ve been feeling very disconnected from baby making. If I had to guess, it’s probably a way of coping with the disaster that was my first IVF. I think the realization that my body is truly uncooperative and that future IVF’s might not work is slowly being processed. I MIGHT NEVER GET PREGNANT! Also, I think M finally understands that IVF doesn’t guarantee us a baby or two.
I’m fairly certain that this is just a phase and I won’t always feel this calm and accepting. But while I am, I’m allowing myself to explore other options, and this is one of them. Living child free.
M and I actually talked about not having children, but only in passing. It’s as if it’s something we’re both contemplating but are afraid to talk about. In some ways it seems premature to really accept that option into our lives. After all, we haven’t even tried the big IVF yet.
But, that hasn’t stopped me from toying with the idea. When I think about accepting that I can’t have children I actually feel a great weight lifted off of me. That's a little scary in itself.
For the past year or two I’ve had some internal struggles with career and children and how to juggle the two. I’ve allowed my anticipation of getting pregnant keep me from pursuing career advancement with any real vigor. I keep telling myself not to bother getting overly involved because any month now, I’ll be pregnant and preparing to stay home for a few years.
If only I had known two and a half years ago what I know now, Ha!
Not trying to get pregnant would clearly remove most of the roadblocks I’ve placed. I would be free to re-evaluate how I see myself and what I expect of myself. For better or worse, my life would be more about career, money, and me & M. Instead of trying for children, we would be more self indulgent, traveling, going to parties, and planning a childless life. At least that’s how I imagine it.
Honestly, it sounds nice. Maybe that’s because I haven’t had a normal life for so long. I miss traveling, going out drinking, dancing, and having fun. Those things have been too few and far between while cycling. It always seems like I’m in the 2ww when something good comes up or we’re just flat broke from the treatments.
I still would love to get pregnant, but an end to this mess would be great too. I don’t want to spend any more years living half a life. At least that’s how I feel today.