Thursday, May 28, 2009


The bleeding started on Friday and has finally tapered off -just spotting now. I didn't really expect it to go on as long as it did considering it was a chemical.

I spent Memorial Day weekend crying my eyes out, I was hurting physically (I really hate cramps) and emotionally. The feelings I have about all of this are so mixed. I'm grateful that I had those few day of pregnancy, it's more than I've ever had before. For a few days I was able to revel in the idea that I would be normal, and have a child.

M and I very quietly discussed the possibility of a future with a family of our own. It was nice, especially on our 7 year anniversary. It was the only thing we wanted, and for that day, we had it.

Of course now that it hasn't worked out, I feel like a huge loser. I know I shouldn't tie my self esteem to my infertility, but of course we all know that it doesn't work that way. I am trying to stay sane and move on, honest, but it might take some time. It's hard to be sociable when things suck so much.

I can't completely reconcile that it's over. I keep thinking there must be something else I can do. I'm not sure what that is, but for now we're taking it one day at a time.


Kymberli said...


I wish I had the right words. Thinking of you.

satto said...

I am so sorry. I have no words. Just ((((HUGS)))))

Barb said...

Lots and lots of hugs and love. I bled very badly for my chemical, and it hurt like an SOB as well. I'm sorry. :(

Soapchick said...

Stephanie sorry I haven't been here in a few days, haven't been on line much. I'm so sorry darling and I wish I could take the pain away. The only semi good thing I can offer is that you are still young and you have time to save up your money and think about your options - whethere it be adoption, donor eggs or another try. In the meantime try to heal your heart and rely on your wonderful husband. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

stephanie, i'm sorry to read about your miscarriage. those few days of pregnancy are so wonderful and it feels like something slipping between your fingers when it ends. like you should be able to catch it and stop it from happening...

thank you for commenting on my blog. i thought that maybe i was just in too dark of a place for anyone to want to join me. it sad that there are actually a lot of us in this dark place.


Anonymous said...

I have tears in my eyes and wish there was anything I could say or do to make it better. Know I am thinking of you and not too far away if you need anything!!!