Ahhhh, I’m hoping it’s not short lived, but I’m feeling much, much better. I no longer want to harm others. Maybe M can attempt to give me a hug without the fear of bodily harm.
I’ve been going back and forth between excitement and trepidation about the upcoming IVF. This might actually work. Of course I try to temper those thoughts with the knowledge that it most likely won’t. Okay, I’m not sure if that’s true, but I have to tell myself that there’s a big chance that this is going to bomb, you know, so I won’t be crushed when it doesn’t. (Who am I kidding!!?)
But what if it doesn’t bomb?
Then I start freaking at the thought of how a baby will change our lives. The thing is, when we were just having sex it was so much easier to pretend that having a baby is no big deal. People do it all the time, right? (Yeah, yeah, I know!) It would just happen and life would go on and we would be happy!
But now that we’re about to spend big bucks and I’m going to stab myself with sharp little needles, there’s no “letting it happen” involved. It’s very calculated which means I have to really, really want this.*
Which of course leads me to think… do I really, really want this?! Do I want to go to this much effort and discomfort? We have a nice life right now. We can do whatever we want whenever we want (within reason). Sometimes I think it would be fun to live like this forever. But I also know we would be sad if we didn’t have a family together.
I feel like I’m standing in line to ride a roller coaster. The longer I wait, the scarier it becomes. If I could just get this ride over with, I would probably be glad I got on. But right now, it seems like the craziest thing a person could do…in more ways than one.
So of course the answer is yes, I do want a family, but it’s just scary to think so long and hard about it.
Did I mention I don’t do roller coasters?
*For some reason, the 6 IUI's didn't seem like a big deal, it was just extra help. There wasn't all that much money and drugs involved and we were still having sex! Is it just me, or did that sound kind of dirty?