Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I Am Such A Bitch!

If you’re wondering, I’ve been missing mostly because I’ve felt like a raving lunatic for the last week or so. I fully blame the BCP’s for the hormonal imbalance. I often have some trouble adjusting to the pill, but these have been especially difficult. So I’ve been using avoidance as the safest way of protecting those around me!

Thanks Barb for checking in on me. Sorry I haven’t been very good at e-mails lately.

The short list of complaints includes the always fabulous sensation of needing to cry, general annoyance at everyone in my immediate vicinity, nausea, tiredness, headache, and a general feeling of malaise. Good times. I think some of the symptoms are compounded by seasonal allergies, it’s spring here in Orlando.

My biggest concern is, if I’m such a mess on the BCP, what’s the Lupron etc. going to do to my body? I feel like I should lock myself away as it is. Poor M.

I suppose I don't have to wait too long. My final IVF consult is next Tuesday morning and I expect I’ll start Lupron or whatever soon after. I only have a week and a half left in my BCP, thank goodness.

I’ve still been checking in on other blogs, even if I’m not commenting.

And just because I can, I’m going to bitch about how much it sucks to have an uber fertile SIL.

My only SIL (the one I really don’t like) is having a Christening for her THIRD baby in five years. And yes, you are correct in assuming that I am bitter. Well I just got finished buying gifts to send up and it put me in a foul mood. Normally I wouldn’t mind, but it just sucks to be reminded that she is good at having babies and I’m not.

Fortunately, we are not flying to NY to attend, because there is no way I could put on a happy face in my hormonal condition. But of course we couldn’t get off that easily. We were given a very hard time about not attending by M’s dad. He just couldn’t wrap his mind around the idea that we are busy (actually M is really busy with work, me not so much) and cannot take time out of OUR lives to attend another one of his daughters events (this will be the first time we’re not there). Did I mention this is the same sister that didn’t come to M’s college graduation or our wedding?

One day at lunch he repeatedly asked me why we weren’t attending the Christening. It ended up becoming a big argument with M coming to my rescue and telling him that it’s none of his business and that we already gave a good reason. I wasn’t about to tell him about the upcoming IVF cycle and that I didn’t want the extra stress of a visit to one of my least favorite people to see her new baby as well as his cousins new baby.


soapchick said...

I'm sorry you are experiencing some hormonal moods, and also pain about your SIL. Does your husband's family not realize you've been having difficulty conceiving? Maybe if they knew, they would be more understanding.....not sure, just my assvice. Ignore if you want.

Maybe you should go get a massage or do something nice for yourself to help your mood. You do want to be in a good place emotionally and mentally when your IVF starts. I know I wasn't in a great place last fall during my first IVF, and I've really made some progress on taking care of myself and my stress level so that I'm in a much better place now - emotionally. Best wishes!

Stephanie said...

Thanks for the warm thoughts!

My husbands family is semi-aware of our status. They don't know about our specific endeavors, but do know that we're having trouble.

I will make a bigger effort to be in a better place for this IVF, even if it means cutting back with M's family.

I feel much better today :)

Barb said...

We understand Stephanie.. at least those of us who have been through that gorgeous roller coaster. There's nothing like having control of your emotions completely taken away from you by drugs. I always say you can somewhat control how you act out from those emotions (note I say somewhat), but stopping them is just not possible.. not when it's so strong.

I could hardly believe I was still me so many times during our journey.

And btw.. per your note on my blog, I have my days, don't you worry. It's nothing compared to being on bcps or meds, but I still have my days. It's just easier during this break to control some of it, and I'm trying like Hell to maintain my emotional health that I've gained.

Best of luck hon!!!!

BTW.. I LOVE Weezer and Foo Fighters too. :)


Kymberli said...

BCPs make a stark raving lunatic, too. I wish I could say the Lupron is a walk in the park, but then I'd be lying and you'd shoot cyber-daggers at me. Hang in there. :)