Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Bleh

It's not unexpected. My second beta is 14. Impressive isn't it?

I'm sorta thankful for such a low number, at least it doesn't leave any wiggle room for hope. A doubling number would have just put me into beta hell and I'm glad I'm not there. It also rules out an ectopic, as the numbers would have been higher for that.

Don't misunderstand, I wanted to stay pregnant, I want a baby that looks like M very much. He really deserves to be a father. I'm so sad that he can't have that, and I'm the reason.

I've had a good cry, but so far I'm not as upset as I thought I'd be. M is very sad that it didn't happen. He really thought it would and had a lot of hope. We've talked about the next step, but only a little.

For now, we're focusing on ourselves and living child free. I know I probably won't be satisified with this for long, but right now it sounds nice. M has cheered me up by talking about the places we'll go. He even suggested we move to Europe, ha ha (I would too!).

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

HUGE HUGE ((Hugs))!! Wish there was anything I could do!! Sending love! Be good to yourself and to each other. Thinking of you!!

Kimmy

Soapchick said...

Hugs Stephanie, I'm so sorry for your pain. I wish it weren't so, but you'll be okay. Life has much to offer and I believe that someday you will be a mom, it just won't be the way you imagined. In the meantime love each other and hold each other tight.

Barb said...

Lots of hugs to you. It actually did work, just not ya know.. well. :( In a way I'm glad it did work in case you try again. But I'm sad it didn't too b/c it's so hard. I can imagine you've already thought all these things huh?

Now Europe. I could get down with that. I seriously would live in Germany for a few years if I could I think. My Dad is there now, and God did we love it. I think if I were unmarried, I would probably drop my job for a while and go live with him for a year, and see if I could find work. It was so gorgeous and interesting. I almost cried when we left.

nh said...

(((hugs)))
I wish that there was some words that I could say to do away with the pain. Look after yourself and be kind.

gwinne said...

I'm here from LFCA. Sorry to hear about the low number. I'm in the same place, actually, though for now my number is doubling. Best wishes to you and your partner.

areyoukiddingme said...

Sorry to hear about the second beta - I was there last week. I wish there was something useful I could say to make it better.

Martha said...

Here from LFCA, take good care.

sara said...

Oh sweetie! I am so very sorry. I don't know what the immediate future holds in store for you - but I'm with you each step of the way ((hugs))

battynurse said...

here from LFCA. I'm so sorry. The whole low beta game sucks big time. Hugs to you.

Good Egg Hunting said...

I am so sorry to hear your news. Take good care of yourself and focus on those dreams -- including dreams of different paths to motherhood if you think that might be in your future. Wishing you all the best.

MAK-now said...

Hey there, I just discovered your blog and I just wanted to say I'm really sorry. TTC is so much work. Best of luck to you.

**ICLW**