Done

The bleeding started on Friday and has finally tapered off -just spotting now. I didn't really expect it to go on as long as it did considering it was a chemical.

I spent Memorial Day weekend crying my eyes out, I was hurting physically (I really hate cramps) and emotionally. The feelings I have about all of this are so mixed. I'm grateful that I had those few day of pregnancy, it's more than I've ever had before. For a few days I was able to revel in the idea that I would be normal, and have a child.

M and I very quietly discussed the possibility of a future with a family of our own. It was nice, especially on our 7 year anniversary. It was the only thing we wanted, and for that day, we had it.

Of course now that it hasn't worked out, I feel like a huge loser. I know I shouldn't tie my self esteem to my infertility, but of course we all know that it doesn't work that way. I am trying to stay sane and move on, honest, but it might take some time. It's hard to be sociable when things suck so much.

I can't completely reconcile that it's over. I keep thinking there must be something else I can do. I'm not sure what that is, but for now we're taking it one day at a time.

Bleh

It's not unexpected. My second beta is 14. Impressive isn't it?

I'm sorta thankful for such a low number, at least it doesn't leave any wiggle room for hope. A doubling number would have just put me into beta hell and I'm glad I'm not there. It also rules out an ectopic, as the numbers would have been higher for that.

Don't misunderstand, I wanted to stay pregnant, I want a baby that looks like M very much. He really deserves to be a father. I'm so sad that he can't have that, and I'm the reason.

I've had a good cry, but so far I'm not as upset as I thought I'd be. M is very sad that it didn't happen. He really thought it would and had a lot of hope. We've talked about the next step, but only a little.

For now, we're focusing on ourselves and living child free. I know I probably won't be satisified with this for long, but right now it sounds nice. M has cheered me up by talking about the places we'll go. He even suggested we move to Europe, ha ha (I would too!).

Eh

Sorry for taking so long. It's not that I'm trying to be coy or keep good news from you, I haven't had any news to share.

I went for my beta on Saturday, and did that suck. I'm using stupid, stupid Labcorp and had to wait 2 hours for a 30 second blood draw. Since my RE is in NY, I have to have my lab results sent up and it's not efficient. Stupid, stupid Labcorp didn't even send the results until Monday, so here we are, 2 days later.

My first beta is...12

Yes, you read right, 12 at day 14.

Not good.

Pretty much doomed to fail.

Possibly ectopic.

Before I knew my results, I had to call the clinic in NY 3 times to have them fax a prescription for beta number 2 today. Of course, by the time this happened it was already 12pm so I don't have the results of today's beta yet. Stupid, stupid Labcorp was unable to get it together even though STAT was written across the prescription in big letters.

I know that there is *hope* but I don't have much of it. Even if the beta doubles, that's not enough really. A quadruple wouldn't really satisfy me either. It would need to be over 100 to keep my head in the game.

Hopefully I'll hear back tomorrow morning. I'll update when I know something.

Oh, and did I mention, I spotted a little today and my symptoms are rather non-existent.

Am I Dreaming?

I know it's not easy to see, but there is definately a line! I can't really believe it. I tested yesterday morning 9dp3dt and had a faint, faint, faint line on a FRER. I wasn't sure if it was a positive, evaporation line, ghosting, etc even though I saw something within the 10 minute window. I tried to take a picture, but it's so faint that it's not visible.

I took another FRER and had better results in the afternoon, but also super faint. I went out and bought a Target brand test and it gave me a positive right away, so I'm pretty sure it's not just my imagination. ;)

I still can't believe I've gotten to this point. I've NEVER had a positive, EVER!

I took another FRER and Target test this morning. The FRER wasn't as dark as yesterday and the Target brand was the same. I'm trying not to obsess over the lightness/darkness of the lines. I know different tests can have different sensitivities and a line is a line.

My beta is tomorrow. I'm cautiously optomistic, but nervous of course. This is our last and only chance at a biological child, so I'm praying for a good outcome.

Thankyou to everyone who has been cheering me on!

Home Again at 7dp3dt

Ahhhh, it's so good to be home. I can't believe I was away for a month!

Not much new with the waiting, I have symptoms, but we all know that they're meaningless. Oh, but nausea and adversions to smells on a plane is a good time, let me tell you.

I've taken two tests. The first was a super faint postitive from the HCG at 5dp3dt and the second was this morning. It was definately not positive.

I'm going with the every other day testing method, I think it's working for me. ;) I know I'm a Negative Nelly (no pun intended) but I'm not feeling it. I was hopeful the past few days, but today, not so much. I'm trying to prepare, thinking ahead to what this summer and what this year will be like.

Going Craaaazyyyy

Today is 4dp 3dt aka day 7. It's my understanding that if implantation is to take place, it will happen about now. Are my embryos still alive? I have no idea.

I was doing well, until now. I have one week left until the beta and I don't know if I'll make it. Not that I have a choice, but the crazy thoughts are taking over. It's all I can think about, especially when I'm in between waking and sleep. Not fun.

I swing wildly from 'this couldn't possibly work, it's me after all' to 'I deserve this to work, and it will work'.

I'm at my parents house now, I just drove down with M from NY Thursday night. He went on down to FL without me and I will fly down on Monday. Roxy also went home with him too :) I know M doesn't love her, but I do.

So back to the crazy...I'm wrestling with the idea of POS to test out the HCG. I probably need to do that ASAP so I'll know what's going on should a + make an appearance, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not.

I'm thinking of ordering some tests online and having them shipped to my house in FL so I can test when I get back, but that wouldn't be until 7dp 3dt so I'll need to buy some at the drug store here.

Oh the craziness. I can't wait until I know one way or the other. I'm trying to prepare for bad news, that is the most likely outcome. Really.

100

No, that's not how many embryos I put back. This is my 100th post. It's also cinco de mayo. And most importantly today is the most knocked up I've ever been. We put back two great embryos. The original weighed in at an outstanding 8 cell grade A. The second weighed in at a respectable 9 cell grade C.

M and I were prepared to put back all three(yikes) if the grading was poor and the RE allowed. Fortunately/unfortunately this was unnecessary. The third embryo arrested, leaving us with just the two. I'm pleased that they seem to be strong and that we didn't have to consider the third.

Of course now I'm beginning the dreaded 2WW-AKA-WUB. At least this time I have a prayer. Thanks for all of your kind thoughts, prayers, and support. Sadly the RE doing the transfer doesn't take pics, so not much to show and tell.

Triplets

Sorry for the delay, M has taken over my machine for work.

So the fert report isn't spectacular, but it's okay. Originally only one egg fertilized on its own. I was a very sad infertile on Sunday. The nurse told me that had to break out ICSI on four more eggs and wouldn't know until Monday how many fertilized.

Fortunately I had two more, giving us triplets. ;) I don't know what to think, obviously my eggs are old and crusty, but there's still a chance that one or two, or three(?)could work out.

I go in today at 11 for the transfer, so wish us luck.

I'll udate with the details later today, promise!

SIX

Hi guys,

Everything went very well. Amazingly enough, I had SIX eggs retrieved!!! Can you believe it? I surpassed my goal of five! Yayyy

Of course I don't know if they were all mature or of good quality. I won't find out the details until tomorrow. I'm hoping for at least three to fertilize and grow.

Honestly, the worst part of the retrieval was the IV, that sucker hurt and still does. I'm mildy crampy now, but otherwise good to go. Thank goodness for the Anesthesiologist!

After I was released, we went for brunch at Ihop and then to see Wolverine. It has been a nice relaxing day, now I'm parked on the couch watching TV.

I can hardly wait for news, but of course I'm nervous that it won't be good. My nightmare is that nothing will make it. I'm trying to block the negative thoughts and think that this *might* work. :)

I'll let you know how it goes.