When This No Longer Helps

I'm not sure what to do, but I think I know what I'm going to do.

I've come to realize, at least for the moment, blogging isn't helping, it's hurting. Not the writing of the blog so much as the reading of blogs. Maybe it's that I'm no longer reading the right blogs and I need to find some new ones, but I'm not sure I have it in me to seek out what I'm missing.

Let me explain...

I took inventory of my google reader list, and a trend has revealed itself. Of the 23 blogs I read regularly...19 are pregnant or parenting. To further break it down, 7 are currently pregnant and 7 have given birth in the past 6 months-year. The remaining 5 have had children and two of those are trying for more. Only 4 blogs in my list have not conceived or given birth to living children and of those, two are actively trying. So... I'm in the company of two other primary infertiles still trying to get knocked up...out of 23.

Now can you see why blogging isn't really helping with the healing? LOL

I'm happy for all of the pregnancies, I'm not wishing anyone was NOT pregnant/parenting, but so many people are moving on and leaving me in the dust(one has even lapped me in the past two years!). Their posts no longer reflect my situation. In a sick twisted way, it was nice to be surrounded (if only in the blogosphere) by others fighting their way to parenthood. But now that I'm surrounded by pregnancy and baby posts, I feel all the more alone.

I recognize it's selfish and hypocritical, because if I had remained pregnant, I too would be leaving others behind and occasionally posting about the trials and tribulations of being knocked up. But I'm not pregnant and I am somewhat alone.

I just can't muster the appropriate level of enthusiasm to comment anymore. It's like being at a baby shower or picinic where everyone is sitting around chatting about their kids. It's just painful and awkward and I don't need that right now, know what I mean? I wish I was stronger or could pretend that I don't care, but I'm not and I can't. I need to take some time for myself and come to terms with this.

So, for now, I'm signing off. I want to thank you all for your support and wish everyone success with their family building. You're a great group of ladies, I really mean that. Perhaps I'll re-tool my blog when I have some clarity, but for now, I'm out.

Stephanie

Done

The bleeding started on Friday and has finally tapered off -just spotting now. I didn't really expect it to go on as long as it did considering it was a chemical.

I spent Memorial Day weekend crying my eyes out, I was hurting physically (I really hate cramps) and emotionally. The feelings I have about all of this are so mixed. I'm grateful that I had those few day of pregnancy, it's more than I've ever had before. For a few days I was able to revel in the idea that I would be normal, and have a child.

M and I very quietly discussed the possibility of a future with a family of our own. It was nice, especially on our 7 year anniversary. It was the only thing we wanted, and for that day, we had it.

Of course now that it hasn't worked out, I feel like a huge loser. I know I shouldn't tie my self esteem to my infertility, but of course we all know that it doesn't work that way. I am trying to stay sane and move on, honest, but it might take some time. It's hard to be sociable when things suck so much.

I can't completely reconcile that it's over. I keep thinking there must be something else I can do. I'm not sure what that is, but for now we're taking it one day at a time.

Bleh

It's not unexpected. My second beta is 14. Impressive isn't it?

I'm sorta thankful for such a low number, at least it doesn't leave any wiggle room for hope. A doubling number would have just put me into beta hell and I'm glad I'm not there. It also rules out an ectopic, as the numbers would have been higher for that.

Don't misunderstand, I wanted to stay pregnant, I want a baby that looks like M very much. He really deserves to be a father. I'm so sad that he can't have that, and I'm the reason.

I've had a good cry, but so far I'm not as upset as I thought I'd be. M is very sad that it didn't happen. He really thought it would and had a lot of hope. We've talked about the next step, but only a little.

For now, we're focusing on ourselves and living child free. I know I probably won't be satisified with this for long, but right now it sounds nice. M has cheered me up by talking about the places we'll go. He even suggested we move to Europe, ha ha (I would too!).

Eh

Sorry for taking so long. It's not that I'm trying to be coy or keep good news from you, I haven't had any news to share.

I went for my beta on Saturday, and did that suck. I'm using stupid, stupid Labcorp and had to wait 2 hours for a 30 second blood draw. Since my RE is in NY, I have to have my lab results sent up and it's not efficient. Stupid, stupid Labcorp didn't even send the results until Monday, so here we are, 2 days later.

My first beta is...12

Yes, you read right, 12 at day 14.

Not good.

Pretty much doomed to fail.

Possibly ectopic.

Before I knew my results, I had to call the clinic in NY 3 times to have them fax a prescription for beta number 2 today. Of course, by the time this happened it was already 12pm so I don't have the results of today's beta yet. Stupid, stupid Labcorp was unable to get it together even though STAT was written across the prescription in big letters.

I know that there is *hope* but I don't have much of it. Even if the beta doubles, that's not enough really. A quadruple wouldn't really satisfy me either. It would need to be over 100 to keep my head in the game.

Hopefully I'll hear back tomorrow morning. I'll update when I know something.

Oh, and did I mention, I spotted a little today and my symptoms are rather non-existent.

Now I'm Out of Order

Ahhhh, this isn't going well...again.

I just had my first scan since starting the stims, and it's not good. Only 3 follicles are making their presence known. I was hoping for at least 5. I have one on my right and two on my left.

I'm to start taking Ganirelix in the mornings and keep up my 450 Follistim and 2 vials of Menopur. I go back in two days for another scan. I'm hoping to speak to NY RE and get his take on the situation Monday.

It goes without saying that I'm very disapointed, I'm torn between writing off this IVF (and all hopes of getting pregnant with my own eggs) and maintaining hope. I guess there's still some sort of chance that things could work out. M is working with the glass half full theory, I'm trying to join him. :)

Later, I'm off to spend my gorgeous Saturday in Central Park with friends.

Delayed Until???

It's official, IVF-2 is being delayed. I spoke with Emily and she confirmed what I already knew, that I won't be able to stick to the schedule.

I had my follow up breast exam with my ARNP gynecologist today, which was the perfect setting for grilling her about doing the Hysteroscopy/Polypectomy. I think she got the picture that I'm not happy with their views (it's not medically necessary -ha) about doing the Saline Sonohysterogram. I asked if they would be willing to do the Hysteroscopy/Polypectomy since it's now clear I have a medical need for that. She said they would.

I now have a surgical consult scheduled for April 1 with a Dr. in the practice. I don't want to wait nearly 3 weeks just for the consult!

I am so frustrated and dissapointed by all of this. Not surprised, just frustrated. I had finally geared up for this, and now I have to wait for who knows how long.

Emily is going to speak with the RE and get some more information from him and pass it on to me later today or Monday. Not sure what's going to happen, but it looks like IVF-2 might not happen until May or June.

Time Out

Hi Everyone!

I'm just checking in to let you all know that I'm alive and reasonably well. Sorry to leave you hanging for so long.

Things have not been so great lately. It's one thing to chronicle the ups and downs of trying, but I don't want to bring everyone down with regular updates of my slightly off track life right now.

Just so you don't get the wrong idea, I'm fine. It's just that I'm having trouble finding a decent job and it's looking gloomier as the economy continues to weaken. Not fun. I had an interview scheduled twice for a great position, and they canceled twice due to the financial craziness going on right now. :( Hopefully the position will open up soon...maybe the markets will settle after the election?!

Also, one of my uncles that I grew up with (we're close in age) is losing his battle with cancer. I've been up to Maryland twice recently to spend time with him while I still can and to be with my family. This really puts my problems in perspective. I can't even imagine.

And to round it all out... This month marks our 3 year anniversary of trying. Yay for me and M! I recently realized that I started trying shortly before my former bestfriend got engaged to her husband. You know, the one who's pregnant now. I try not to think about that whole situation much, but I often replay the whole ugly scene in my dreams. I guess it's bothering me more than I'd like to admit.

On the bright side, M and I are doing very well, I have my health, a nice home, and a wonderful family. Hopefully I'll have a meaningful job again soon.

Needless to say, until I can get my life back on track I don't have the luxury of worrying about getting knocked up. I don't plan on pursuing more treatments or adoption for some time.

I hope everyone out there is doing well! I'll still be lurking around and I'll probably surface now and again.

Go McCain-Palin! (I know I'm the minority in blog land -hopefully not in the U.S. though)

Should I Bother?

Not much has happened with the best friend-turned-pregnant-non-friend saga. The only contact I’ve had with BF was receiving a brief happy b-day e-mail back in July which I responded to with an equally brief thank you and best wishes email.

I don’t really socialize with BF’s sister much, but we occasionally have reason to see one another. She stopped by last week to pick up some of our leftover wiring for her kitchen remodel and we chatted for a bit.

Out of some sort of politeness/self torture, I asked about BF. I didn’t really expect it to be so hard hearing about how happy BF and her husband are now and how she’s showing already and will be finding out the sex of the baby soon.

I know it’s always going to be difficult to hear stuff like that, but it’s harder knowing that so much is going on in her life and I’m no longer privy to it first-hand. I know it can't be fun dealing with a frustrated infertile friend, but to be rudely dismissed from her life now that it’s not so convenient is a hard pill to swallow. I always thought that good friendships weathered the tough times.

I’ve often wondered if it wasn’t just the pregnancy hormones leading BF to be so insensitive and quick to withdraw, and now that she’s hopefully leveled out, she’s just too embarrassed to deal with the situation. Or…she’s not who I thought she was and I’m better off without her.

I would like it to be the former and have things back to normal. We've know each other for more than half our lives and been good friends for the last 10+ years. But in all honesty, it’s not like we talked every day or even every week. So her absence from my life isn’t all that acute. It’s more like the idea of her absence is more painful. Kind of sad, but true.

I’m still pretty pissed that this happened in the first place. One part of me doesn't want to be the bigger person, I just want to put this behind me and write her off. I feel like I'm already on the losing end of this debacle anyway. At least she gets a baby at the end to fill the void of a former friendship. What do I get? But... I feel like I should make some sort of attempt at reconciliation, because that’s what I’m supposed to do. Know what I mean?

Which brings me around to the same question I had before, do I try to fix this or leave it alone?

Her b-day is in about a week, so I have to decide soon *IF* I want to contact her or not. I'm still pretty angry, so it might not be an easy road, especially if I have to do all of the work.

As I see it, I have several options *IF* I do want to make an attempt.

Option A: Treat her birthday as she did mine and e-mail her. It takes minimal effort and has minimal impact as far as our “friendship” goes.

Option B: E-mail her a happy b-day and go a little further by inquiring after her health, goings on, husband, etc. -Carefully staying away from any hostile accusations and hurtfulness.

Option C: Send an actual card to her house. Also rather safe, but it does have a little extra thoughtfulness. (I’ve already bought a very benign card, not the usual Shoebox-snarky- best friend-card ‘cause we’re not there anymore)

Option D: Similar to option B, sending the card and including a hand written note to break the ice and offer her an excuse to contact me if that’s what she’s waiting on.

Option E: Of course the riskiest of all and least likely to happen, phoning her up on her b-day for an actual chat. This would take extreme amounts of courage (possibly liquid, ha-ha) on my part as I would have to remain composed in regards to our friendship meltdown AND the pregnancy, assuming that she could bring her-self to speak to a lowly infertile such as myself.

What do you say? You guys give great advice and I’m in need of some discourse that isn’t solely taking place in my neurotic head. ;)

P.S. I’m out of town this week, so I don’t know how often I’ll be able to check in, but I’ll do my best!

My Move

BF wrote me back last night. She apologized for not realizing how difficult this is for me, but ended the e-mail with this:

You don't have to worry about me telling you details of this pregnancy. I promise not a word. I need to surround myself with real happiness right now to help me get through this scary transition and very apprehensive first stages. I'm sorry things didn't work out the way we would have liked them to...

I don’t know how to respond, I’ve already explained that I’m both happy and sad. Happy for them but sad for us. I think I made it clear that it was the way the news was delivered that was hurtful, and that with time, I will be a lot happier. Is it just me or does it sound like she’s writing me off because I’m not 100% over the moon? I hope I’m not misinterpreting her meaning, but I’m very confused.

Was my struggle and desire not clear enough all these years? Did I not convey the depth of my IF pain? Did she not witness my sadness with my SIL’s third pregnancy? I don’t know why she would expect so much from me so fast.

I’m tempted to explain it all to her again, but I don’t want to beat a dead horse. I’m also tempted to give her this helpful bit of reading, but I’m not sure how it will be received. Maybe I should just send her a card in the mail and let some time pass.

Honestly, I don’t even know how much support I should offer at this point. Should I insist on being included or is that just asking for trouble considering she doesn’t get where I’m coming from. Should I just walk away and let her decide? Obviously I might not have a choice, but how do I approach this?

Thank you so much for listening to my whining and drama.

P.S. I'm really doing okay, just a little sad about all of this. M has been so supportive. :)

Confronting the Pregnant

Monday was still rough, but I decided to suck it up and text BF and ask how she was doing. She responded briefly stating that everything was the same. I asked a question or two and never heard back. I figured she was busy at work and she would probably call later in the evening when she got off.

After some time to digest I was feeling a little better. I was mostly upset about how the news was delivered. I do care about my BF very much and feel guilty that I’m not able to be the friend she needs right now.

When 9:30pm rolled around I decided to give her a call to check in. Selfishly I was hoping for a nice cathartic chat that would entail me explaining why I wasn’t able to fully show my happiness and her apologizing for the manner in which she broke the news.

I called and her husband said that she was already in bed and he would let her know that I called. I’m sure he could tell that I was a little upset because a few seconds later she called me back (she wasn’t asleep yet).

Our chat started out okay, I asked how things were and she said she didn’t have anything new to report, that’s why she didn’t call. I told her that I was just recovering from the shock and was hoping to talk a little. She didn’t seem to understand why I would want to and I got a little upset by her “whatever” attitude.

I told her that it had been an extremely emotional day for me, and that I wish it hadn’t happened the way it did. She said she had noticed by the look on my face when she came over that I was not pulled together. At that point everything came out, I couldn’t hold it in. I told her that I did not appreciate the way everything happened. How I needed more time and I wasn’t really able to digest the news and respond appropriately. I then told her that it was insensitive to show me the positives or to expect me to sympathize with her regrets of actually becoming pregnant.

She said she honestly didn’t think about any of that (?!) and she didn’t mean to hurt us. She also didn’t realize the amount of emotional turmoil I’ve been in and how difficult this would be for me. I know she wasn’t trying to hurt me. I guess it’s a case of you can’t know how much IF sucks unless you’ve been there.

I can’t even begin to explain how out of character this is for BF. She is a very sweet and compassionate person, she just didn’t get it this time. She apologized and said that she is embarrassed by her actions now. Of course I feel terrible, like I just ruined her exciting pregnancy news and strong armed her into an apology. Not the reason I called to chat.

The most horrible part is that now she won’t feel comfortable talking to me about the pregnancy, and I don't blame her. So I feel like a terrible friend for not giving her the support she needs. I really want to be there for her and be excited to see ultrasound pics, discuss her latest symptoms, and go shopping etc. I just don’t know if I can put my stupid self pitying emotions aside and step up.

At the end of the horrible phone call, we both apologized. I felt better for getting it off my chest and worse for burdening her with my issues. I decided to send her an email to apologize and explain things more clearly. I asked that she be patient with me, and understand that I am happy for them, but I need a little time after news like that. I also asked that she share future pregnancy related news a little more privately so that I won’t have an audience waiting for my reaction.

I know this might have destroyed a friendship and that it will be forever changed at best. I hate so much that this has happened. I hate so much that my IF has seemingly taken over my life.

What is an IF girl supposed to do in this sort of situation?

Consoling the Pregnant

I really suck right now. That whole best friend getting pregnant put me in a REALLY dark place for a day or so. I’m not sure I should blog about it, but since this is free therapy and I can’t afford the real deal, I’m going to let it out.

So this is how it went down. Saturday night Best Friend and her husband came over to hang out with us and some friends (we had houseguests in town) and all was well. We talked about stuff, she told me that her cycles had been weird (like always)and this month AF was a no show at like 40 days, but that she had taken a test a week ago and it was negative. I gave some assvice about seeing her Dr. and she said, no, she’ll see him in a few months.

I didn’t really say too much about our situation, as it’s been somewhat static for a while and I’ve been trying to keep my crazy in check and enjoy myself, but she knows pretty much everything.

On Sunday, our house guests were still in town, we were hanging by the pool, drinking having a really nice day. In the afternoon I get a missed call from BF and decide to call he back later when we’re done swimming. Not long after, M gets a call from BF’s husband saying that BF really wants to talk to me and she’s going to call me right away. I should have known something was up, but I wasn’t really thinking clearly.

I take my cell phone outside and sit with everyone on the porch. We’re drinking margaritas and having fun when she finally calls back. She asks what I’m doing, I tell her about the hanging out and then she starts crying and tells me that she took two tests that day and they’re both positive. Honestly, I don’t really remember much after that.

Naturally I was super shocked. From my questions and response everyone at the table figured what was going on. It took everything I had to keep from breaking down. I tried my best to be excited and comforting, but I know it was weak.

She said that she wanted to come by, so I got changed and waited for the inevitable. By that time I had already endured lots of, “are you alright” and “I’m so sorry” which of course makes it harder to keep the emotions in check. I just sat on the front porch shaking, trying to prepare myself for the required show of happiness.

We still had a full house so it was a little awkward when they showed up. Everyone offered up their congratulations which was met with something less than happiness. BF’s husband was entirely blank, and when we said congratulations, he said something like “I might be happy in a month, we’ll see”. WTF?

Fortunately for me, one of our house guests had to get to the airport and all of the guys jumped in the car leaving me to talk to BF with some privacy. After they left, she broke down and cried and told me about how awful this news is, and how she has been so upset and that her husband has not been very excited. She said that she “wishes she could take it back” and whipped out her two very positive tests.* Just what I was hoping for, visual aids.

I wanted to yell at her, and explain that she shouldn’t have been messing around like that if she and her husband weren’t ready for the positive. And they definitely shouldn’t be crying to me and M about it before they got their shit together. But I didn’t say any of those things.

Instead, I did my job as a friend to console her and say the right things.

I was in such shock that it still feels like a bad dream. I’m probably being too sensitive, but I was in disbelief that she would come over and lay everything on me like that. Of course if I wasn’t infertile I could have handled it well. But, she knows everything we’ve been through and she didn’t stop to consider how this would affect me?

I had no time to digest, I was half buzzed from the sun and alcohol and I still had to go visit my SIL and her 6 month old that night. Not to mention we still had someone staying with us.

I just can’t believe I was consoling HER over HER good fortune and telling HER that it would be alright.

After they left, M had the same reaction. He couldn’t believe that they would tell us like that, without any composure, without allowing me the decency to hear the news in private or have time to digest. No less complain to US about their surprise pregnancy news! WTF?

*I totally get the scared shitless part, but perhaps turning to your husband, sister, mother, non IF friend would have been more appropriate given the circumstances.

Best Friend

I am so unbelievably sad today. It's finally happened, my best friend is pregnant. I'm happy for her and her husband, they're great but I am just heart broken for me and M.

This is not how it was supposed to happen. She didn't even want to get pregnant yet, they weren't really truly trying... just not preventing. She doesn't have regular cycles so she was suprised when the test came out positive and she cried...to me.

I seriously don't know how I'm going to handle this. I can't sleep or eat I'm so upset. I just keep thinking that our friendship of 20 years is going to be so different now with nothing in common.

Oh yeah, I met my SILs baby daughter today too. I couldn't hold her which I'm sure pissed everyone off, but I could barely keep my shit together to get through dinner.

No Net

Saturday was the first day that M and I could have a decent conversation about our IF plans. It’s been hard to find the time to talk about everything. M’s slammed with work right now and I’ve been waiting until he’s had a chance to breathe before diving into IVF, adoption, money, etc.

I mentioned that I’ve been doing some serious second guessing about IVF. I explained that although I want very much to get pregnant, I don’t really believe that it’s possible anymore.* I also expressed my concerns about how I’ll be able to cope if it fails. I’m worried that I won’t do well and I’ll be resentful and angry if we can’t move on because we’re further in debt.

M seemed a little taken aback by all of this. Rightly so, he believed we had a plan of action, and I suddenly wanted to switch gears on him. M concentrates on the positive aspect of doing IVF and doesn’t seem to understand why I only think about the negative.

I was given directions to focus on one thing at a time and to stop jumping ahead of myself. I totally get where he’s coming from, and I think he’s right in many ways. But of course I still argued my point, because that’s how I am. It took me a while and a lot of tears to explain why I need to plan for the worst case scenario. I need a backup plan and right now we don’t have a good one.

I think he understands now, but I’m not sure that he really gets it. M is so much more optimistic about this than I am. I almost feel bad, as if he’s an IF newbie about to be crushed for the first time. I know that seems weird, since he’s been there through all of the IUI’s and the mini IVF, but I think if this one doesn’t work out, it will be different for him.

M really believes that this is going to work for us. It doesn’t matter that I’ve explained the odds, his boss at work did IVF twice and it worked like a charm. He doesn’t think we are any different.

I really hope he’s right.

So for now, we’re going to continue on towards IVF, apparently without a backup plan.

*Okay, maybe I still have a little hope, but not all that much

Breakthrough

I never would have guessed that writing my troubles for everyone to read could lead to such insight. Who needs counseling, when I have all of you!

I was thinking about all of the issues I have with M's sister and its become increasingly clear that the last two really weren't about her. This got me to thinking about some of the other times I've blamed her for my anger... and I came to a startling realization. She may have been a factor or catalyst, but it was M who had really and truly hurt me.* This leads me to my next breakthrough, she doesn't really have that much power over me!

Just because I can, I'll give you a run down of what I'm talking about...

• Back in 2000, M graduated from college. His sister didn't attend his graduation (or ever visit him) because it was inconvenient and someone told her it was bad luck to fly before her wedding which was the following week. We missed out on all of the good-bye parties to fly up and participate in the pre-wedding suckage. :( -This is just one example of many, many times we've gone out of our way to be there for her.

• When M and I got engaged, his mom wanted to throw a bridal shower for me (sweet, I know) with all of her friends and family, mostly people I didn't know. (I had another with my family and friends in MD.) I'm a big chicken, so I asked M to please stay in the house, he didn't have to sit with me, but I needed him nearby for moral support and comfort. His mom and sister were aware of this request, so I was shocked when I couldn't find M to offer him some cake. I looked everywhere and finally asked them if they knew where he was. They admitted that his sister had asked him to go over to her house and help her husband move some stuff. I felt so betrayed, by all of them. -Stupid, I know.

• When it was our turn to get married, his sister and husband didn't attend, they had started trying to get pregnant right after we announced our engagement/wedding date and were (big shock) successful on the first try. She was 8 1/2 months pregnant and couldn't fly, who knew?! Did I mention that we had asked her husband to be best man before they announced the pregnancy (he had accepted) and as the big day got closer he wouldn't return our phone calls. To say this stressed me out is an understatement. We ended up replacing him at the last minute (obviously) but not after taking a lot of shit from M's family about the whole mess. The impending birth of the first grandchild definitely trumped our wedding when it came to his family. I'm not bitter....noooo, not at all.

• We returned from our wedding to attend the baby shower, and celebrate the birth of our nephew. Everything was somewhat okay, until M's sister asked M to be godfather...and didn't ask me to be godmother. I know that everyone does this sort of thing differently, but after the wedding debacle, I thought it would have been a nice gesture. It became a great source of pain for me, because I'm weird like that, and took it as another slap from his family. Of course M's family didn't understand why I was hurt and encouraged M to accept, which he did against my wishes. I almost didn't attend the Christening because I was so upset, but decided to suck it up at the last minute so they wouldn't think I was a total bitch. I'm still not sure if I did the right thing.

• Of course there was the pregnancy last summer where I was the ONLY one who didn't know -at M's request. Talk about embarassing! (Just this once, in his defense, he was trying to protect my IF feelings)

• Last but not least, the unauthorized IF discussion M had with his sister and brother in law.
  

Looking back over this, even though his sister was involved in every scenario, it was M's actions that have ultimitely hurt me the most. He was the one that had a choice to make and in my oppinion, chose poorly. Now that I've realized this, I'm hoping that I can start to move past all of this old baggage. M has apologized (many times) and realizes that he has to be more aware of his actions and how they affect me -his wife. He has gotten so much better in the last 4 years or so, but obviously there is room for improvement.

I'm really hoping I can let go of some anger now. Thanks for listening.

*Disclaimer: M is a really great husband and I love him dearly, he's just not perfect quite yet!

Husband/SIL Problems

M and I had a long talk about everything last night. Hopefully we've cleared the air a little and resolved some issues -maybe. He apologized for being sneaky about talking to his sister regarding our IF issues. Clearly he didn't go about it the right way and hopefully it won't happen again. He says it won't anyway.

M is (normally) a very straightforward and honest guy, that's one of the things I love about him. Unfortunately his family is not, they have a bad habit of lying when it suits them. M is one of the few that doesn't seem to have this trait... except when it comes to his sister. She can get him to do things he normally wouldn't, in the past she's used this super-power against me which turns me into a big mess of rage and anger. M of course always feels bad, but he also forgives her easily, so somehow we end up back where we started.

I hate the idea that I make him feel like he has to lie to cover up his relationship with her. Last night I made it clear that I prefer the truth, no matter how painful. So he's got to man up and deal with this honestly.

M of course points out that if his sister and I would just get along he wouldn't be in this position. I counter that I've tried to get along with her many times in the past 10 years and she has continuously made it difficult with her selfishness.* I don't even know how to deal with that sort of thing except to not deal with it.

He's not going stop talking to her (no matter how much I love the idea) so I have to accept that she's always going to be in his/our lives to some extent. Bleh. I really don't know how to make this easier on him and myself. Suggestions are welcome!


*I realize that M's sister is not the guilty party in this situation, I'm mad at M...but I still have to figure out how to get along with her.

Back to Earth or Out in Space?

Hi Everyone,

I think Father's day brought me back down to Earth. Nothing like non-stop commercials of parents with their happy children to remind me of what I don't, and may never have. That coupled with M's sisters impending visit has sent me into a serious funk.

I have serious issues with her. It's all in my head at this point as I haven't been able to entirely let go of past problems that she and her family have caused me. So now, every little thing that she does (purposely or not) pisses me off.

Rationally I know that I'm responsible for letting her get to me, but honestly, I get so angry when I even think of her. I want this to change, but I don't know how! Perhaps some therapy is in order. It's not right, but I would be happy if I never had to see her again -ever.

Okay, so now you know the context for the following drama... I recently found out that M has consulted her (and her husband) of all people about our IF issues. Her husband is an OBGYN (and an ass) but even so, they would be the last people on Earth that I want knowing the details of our IF issues. She is not always a nice or honest person. It's hard to see her have so many of the things that I desire, like three children.

To say that I am pissed about this is an understatement. I thought M and I had agreed to limit the circle of people we talked about this with, particularly leaving out the majority of his family. It was an extreme blow to find out that someone I dislike vehemently has first hand knowledge about the pain and difficulties we've been going through. This also explains the sudden interest M has with visiting NY for consultations.

Clearly M knows my feelings about her, so it's no surprise that he tried to keep the details from me. Not a good idea. Of course I eventually realized what was really going on and freaked the hell out. I understand his desire to reach out for help, but I still have issues with the way he went about it. It's reminiscent of last summers horrific pregnancy announcement given by a 3 year old.

Okay, to get back to the impending visit, M's parents are flying up to NY and bringing back his sisters two older children, ages 4 and 6 for a few weeks(!). I'm looking forward to spending some time with them... or is it that they give me an excuse to visit water parks while they're here. The down side is, M's sister will be flying down with her new baby to pick up the kids.

I haven't seen this baby and honestly would love to keep it that way. I know it makes me a horrible aunt, but I feel like that should be my baby. She already has two, did she really need to have a third? I can't even imagine holding the baby in front of everyone, it really seems like a nightmare situation, especially knowing that she knows I can't have any of my own. I hate the way M's family makes me feel.

I am so fucking bitter.

Yes or No, why is that so hard?

I’ve been having a lot of mild cramping on and off for the past four days, which is a typical precursor to AF. Nothing odd about that, but I am missing one key ingredient…blood. So far there’s been nada, which is way out of the norm for me.

Today is CD 29, typically the longest my cycle runs is 28 days (26 days is average), so the witch should have made some sort of appearance by now. I wouldn’t be all that concerned if there was some spotting, but this is just too unusual.

I took two (but who’s counting) tests today, of course they were both decidedly negative. I’m beginning to fear a cyst is the cause of this confusion. Since I’m barely late, I know I should try to remain calm and wait until Monday before calling the nurse and insisting on some sort of test or scan.

Not surprisingly, I have plans to meet former co-workers for happy hour this evening immediately followed by another social function with friends. So I have to make the ridiculous decision to abstain from alcohol “just in case” or say fuck it, and enjoy myself. This sucks!

It Was Too Good to be True

GAAAAHHHHH! My plan is not working.

I am so disappointed with the job offer. I went to my interview today, and it went fine as far as interviews go. I put down on my application that I’m all kinds of flexible, you know, so they’d want to hire me. I also stated that I’m looking for 30-40 hours, full time -right?

Well, they said that they can probably accommodate my request for hours, but that they don’t offer associates “full time”. That means I can work full time hours but I won’t have any benefits!!!

Translation: they want me to be their little bitch and work for nothing. Sounds great! I'm supposed to "keep in touch" and let them know what I decide.

WTF?! I can’t believe they can get away with that. I’ve never come across this practice, but I guess I’ve never been out job hunting with the express goal of insurance coverage. For me, retail is not a dream job. I can do it, and do it well (how hard is it to run a register and assist customers, I mean “guests”?) but I don’t love it, so without the key IVF benefit I’m not exactly all that interested.

So of course, you'd assume that I'm going to tell them to take a hike, right?

Well…maybe.

If I get all optomistic I can imagine that it’s possible I could work there for a few months and the part time/full time situation could change. I’m assuming there would be a 90 day waiting period before becoming eligible for benefits regardless of my employment status. So if I go work there for three months and by some twist of fate I’m able to switch to “full time” it wouldn’t have been a waste...I know, I know, it's a long shot.

Or I could be rational and forget it. I probably should keep looking for another company that covers IVF without the excessive game playing. I have a short list, but most are corporations that I wouldn’t necessarily be qualified to work for, it's hard to morph my Design background into other job sectors.

I guess the big question is…am I willing to take this job for a chance at the insurance that would give me a chance at having a baby sooner than later? I feel like if I’m not willing to do just about anything, than I must not want it bad enough which in turn makes me feel crazy. When is enough, enough?

Change of Plans?!

M and I went to the consult with Dr. B this afternoon. I was pleased with our chat, we talked for nearly an hour about why the mini-stim went south and what we could do in the future. He said the mini-stim gave him a lot of information about how my body responds to the medication.

We discussed the pros and cons of the different IVF protocols. We both agreed that antagonist sounds like the most fun ‘cause I’m officially classified with low ovarian reserve now. Dr. B said that with the endo and LOR, I have roughly 3% chance of conceiving on my own each month. Nice!

He gave me a pretty good rah-rah speech about how I should still be hopeful and at least I have my age on my side. He also told us that the way he sees it, we can choose to do up to 3 IVFs (ha!) then we should consider donor eggs or donor embryos. I was happy he put it on the table, I think we needed to hear that we have more options.

I also learned something that really surprised me, adopting donor embryos is way, wayyyy less expensive than doing anything else. It’s only around $1,500 an embryo compared with $15,000+ for donor eggs. Whoa, what a difference! I showed interest in that, but M’s reaction was a little more apprehensive. The biological tie is still important to him, and we’re just not there yet. It is however another thing to consider down the road.

We had originally planned to just keep moving forward. The thing is, we’re not really prepared to fork over the additional $8,000+ we need to move forward with the big IVF. Originally we thought we’d be okay with it, but M’s increasingly uncomfortable with the financial aspect. I tend to agree with M, but I’m frustrated at the prospect of waiting any longer. We’ll have to really go over all of our options before we make a proper decision.

We talked about taking a loan, but don’t think it’s a good idea at this time. We don’t really want any more debt, like good Americans, we have enough thank you. Of course if we knew the IVF would work, we’d do it without hesitation, but that would be a bitter pill to swallow if it failed. Still, it’s on the table for now.

So…that leaves us with just a few additional options. First, I can look for a job that offers health benefits with IVF included. Dr. B actually brought up the idea (one I’ve briefly pursued before) and is going to give me a list of places to consider. Have I mentioned how much I like him?

Another option is taking a long term break. I’m just not sure I'm truly up for it. It would be so much easier if we had at least one real IVF behind us so I wouldn’t have too many regrets or what-ifs. I’m not sure I’m ready to move on without that bit of closure, but like I mentioned in my last post, having my life back is awfully tempting.

Dr. B pointed out that I have 12 more years before I’m cut off from reproductive assistance. That helped put my situation into perspective, I still have some time. Obviously the odds of conceiving a biological child diminish with each passing year, but I’m still open to other options in the long run.

A lot to consider.

Assvice Needed

I’m facing a small dilemma and could use some outside perspective.

M works with two nice women who’ve needed the help of an RE to become pregnant. Both started out with my Dr. B, but later changed to the other Dr. in town, Dr. T. When they changed RE’s they eventually got pregnant. One woman did IVF with success (twice) and the other did an IUI with success.

M is now urging me to switch to Dr. T. I understand the allure of switching, he is constantly being reminded of the success his coworkers have had (one is currently pregnant and the other just gave birth) and he wants the same for me. While I’m pleased for them, I don’t know that switching is going to help me. I think it’s more of “the grass is greener” situation.

To be fair to M, I’ve been to see Dr. T for a second opinion in the past year, mostly because M’s co-workers were singing his praises. Dr. T has many devoted patients, but overall I was not impressed with his approach, he bashed my Femara/IUI protocol and seemed to be in favor of aggressively using injectibles with IUI (not something I’m interested in). M kindly let me make the decision to stay with Dr. B without too much difficulty.

Just to let you know, both Drs. are very experienced, have great credentials and both have won numerous awards. Both work at respected practices in Orlando, so there's not much difference.

Personally, I would like to continue seeing Dr. B. I’m most comfortable with him and his staff, I like the location of his office and really don’t want to change horses mid stream. I’ve conveyed all of this to M, but he is still interested in switching. As he put it, he only cares about results.

I’m getting frustrated with him and his coworkers, I appreciate that they’re there for him, but he’s regularly coming home with pieces of assvice. I have to bite my tongue and explain that I don’t have the same problems as these women so their treatment won’t necessarily work for me!

I’ve researched the hell out of IF in general, so there’s not a whole lot I don’t already understand. When I express my frustration about this, he gets upset because “they’re just trying to help”. Gahhh! He came home last night with a flyer given to him for a meeting Dr. T is speaking at, just in case we wanted to attend. I didn't know what to say.

What I’d really like to do is call up his coworkers and kindly ask them to stop pushing Dr. T down our throats and stop giving M the impression that we aren’t doing this right. It’s hard enough to have to go through this without being told we’re doing it wrong. Of course they have their babies and we have nothing, so I guess they're going to win this argument everytime.

What do I do? Should I just cave and see the Dr. I don’t like to make everyone else happy?