I've neglected this place for many months, almost 9 months actually. Which brings me around to the reason for this post. I just reached the oh so exciting mile stone of my unfulfilled due date. You know, from that blip of a pregnancy I had back in May.
I'm sad to say, things haven't changed. No spontaneous pregnancies, no sudden windfalls allowing for unlimited rounds of IVF and no bundles of joy left mysteriously on my doorstep.
With no babies on the horizon and no immediate plans for aquiring one, I'm trying to put it out of my mind and muddle through this ridculously bad era of my life. With that said, I'm not planning on continuing this blog.
If you're reading this, I'd like to say thank you for your support and lots of luck with your family building.
Signing off.
Stephanie
Showing posts with label Nothing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nothing. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
When This No Longer Helps
I'm not sure what to do, but I think I know what I'm going to do.
I've come to realize, at least for the moment, blogging isn't helping, it's hurting. Not the writing of the blog so much as the reading of blogs. Maybe it's that I'm no longer reading the right blogs and I need to find some new ones, but I'm not sure I have it in me to seek out what I'm missing.
Let me explain...
I took inventory of my google reader list, and a trend has revealed itself. Of the 23 blogs I read regularly...19 are pregnant or parenting. To further break it down, 7 are currently pregnant and 7 have given birth in the past 6 months-year. The remaining 5 have had children and two of those are trying for more. Only 4 blogs in my list have not conceived or given birth to living children and of those, two are actively trying. So... I'm in the company of two other primary infertiles still trying to get knocked up...out of 23.
Now can you see why blogging isn't really helping with the healing? LOL
I'm happy for all of the pregnancies, I'm not wishing anyone was NOT pregnant/parenting, but so many people are moving on and leaving me in the dust(one has even lapped me in the past two years!). Their posts no longer reflect my situation. In a sick twisted way, it was nice to be surrounded (if only in the blogosphere) by others fighting their way to parenthood. But now that I'm surrounded by pregnancy and baby posts, I feel all the more alone.
I recognize it's selfish and hypocritical, because if I had remained pregnant, I too would be leaving others behind and occasionally posting about the trials and tribulations of being knocked up. But I'm not pregnant and I am somewhat alone.
I just can't muster the appropriate level of enthusiasm to comment anymore. It's like being at a baby shower or picinic where everyone is sitting around chatting about their kids. It's just painful and awkward and I don't need that right now, know what I mean? I wish I was stronger or could pretend that I don't care, but I'm not and I can't. I need to take some time for myself and come to terms with this.
So, for now, I'm signing off. I want to thank you all for your support and wish everyone success with their family building. You're a great group of ladies, I really mean that. Perhaps I'll re-tool my blog when I have some clarity, but for now, I'm out.
Stephanie
I've come to realize, at least for the moment, blogging isn't helping, it's hurting. Not the writing of the blog so much as the reading of blogs. Maybe it's that I'm no longer reading the right blogs and I need to find some new ones, but I'm not sure I have it in me to seek out what I'm missing.
Let me explain...
I took inventory of my google reader list, and a trend has revealed itself. Of the 23 blogs I read regularly...19 are pregnant or parenting. To further break it down, 7 are currently pregnant and 7 have given birth in the past 6 months-year. The remaining 5 have had children and two of those are trying for more. Only 4 blogs in my list have not conceived or given birth to living children and of those, two are actively trying. So... I'm in the company of two other primary infertiles still trying to get knocked up...out of 23.
Now can you see why blogging isn't really helping with the healing? LOL
I'm happy for all of the pregnancies, I'm not wishing anyone was NOT pregnant/parenting, but so many people are moving on and leaving me in the dust(one has even lapped me in the past two years!). Their posts no longer reflect my situation. In a sick twisted way, it was nice to be surrounded (if only in the blogosphere) by others fighting their way to parenthood. But now that I'm surrounded by pregnancy and baby posts, I feel all the more alone.
I recognize it's selfish and hypocritical, because if I had remained pregnant, I too would be leaving others behind and occasionally posting about the trials and tribulations of being knocked up. But I'm not pregnant and I am somewhat alone.
I just can't muster the appropriate level of enthusiasm to comment anymore. It's like being at a baby shower or picinic where everyone is sitting around chatting about their kids. It's just painful and awkward and I don't need that right now, know what I mean? I wish I was stronger or could pretend that I don't care, but I'm not and I can't. I need to take some time for myself and come to terms with this.
So, for now, I'm signing off. I want to thank you all for your support and wish everyone success with their family building. You're a great group of ladies, I really mean that. Perhaps I'll re-tool my blog when I have some clarity, but for now, I'm out.
Stephanie
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Tea Party in New York
I finally got around to setting up my laptop, thank goodness for wireless modems!
So guess what I did last night?! I jumped on the subway and headed down to City Hall in Manhattan. I participated in my first political protest/rally! It was pretty cool, I'd guess anywhere from 5,000-10,000 people showed up for the Tax Day Tea Party. It was a very friendly crowd, but they were fired up about the state of our political affairs!
I stayed for about two hours, but the cold got to me and I left around 9:30, it took me forever to get back because the sidewalks were so blocked off, I had to walk around a few city blocks just to get back to the subway.
I really hope this grassroots movement makes it somewhere, I don't want my future (?) children to owe for what our politicians are doing now!
Monday, April 6, 2009
Finished For Now!
OMG, that was grueling. I knew it was going to be challenging, but the combination of two long days of testing and the stress of time limits was more than I expected. I was physically and mentally exhausted, even yesterday. I really felt the need to cry with relief afterwards, but I managed to hold it together. I'm such a wimp! LOL
The first multiple choice test went fairly well. The second, um, maybe not so well. I didn't study contracts as much as I should've. I was surprised at how the test questions were chosen, I expected a lot more material to be covered, instead, the scope was fairly limited, making it likely that I didn't do well. I studied everything, but nothing too in depth.
The next day was intense, 7 hours of testing. I feel like I may have done well, at least I really hope so, 'cause I don't want to do that again!
I was really stressing about getting the floor plan laid out properly (which I didn't completely do) but I finished everything with just seconds to spare! I know of a few mistakes that I made, it's just a matter of how many points are deducted for them, plus how many I'm unaware of.
I do feel that I did well on the elevation and section portion of the practicum -for anyone who knows about architectural drawings. I'm still wondering if I used the right type of lighting fixtures in my lighting plan...incandescent recessed vs. fluorescent recessed. Stupid, I know. I keep going over everything.
I probably won't know my results until July, they say it takes 14 weeks. Isn't that insane?!
Hopefully I'll be distracted with other great goings on in my life. :)
I'm going to NY in a week!
The first multiple choice test went fairly well. The second, um, maybe not so well. I didn't study contracts as much as I should've. I was surprised at how the test questions were chosen, I expected a lot more material to be covered, instead, the scope was fairly limited, making it likely that I didn't do well. I studied everything, but nothing too in depth.
The next day was intense, 7 hours of testing. I feel like I may have done well, at least I really hope so, 'cause I don't want to do that again!
I was really stressing about getting the floor plan laid out properly (which I didn't completely do) but I finished everything with just seconds to spare! I know of a few mistakes that I made, it's just a matter of how many points are deducted for them, plus how many I'm unaware of.
I do feel that I did well on the elevation and section portion of the practicum -for anyone who knows about architectural drawings. I'm still wondering if I used the right type of lighting fixtures in my lighting plan...incandescent recessed vs. fluorescent recessed. Stupid, I know. I keep going over everything.
I probably won't know my results until July, they say it takes 14 weeks. Isn't that insane?!
Hopefully I'll be distracted with other great goings on in my life. :)
I'm going to NY in a week!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Breathe, It'll Be Over Soon!
I'm still here. I'm trying to stay calm, because my test is in 3 days!!! I'm semi-prepared, but not awesomely prepared. Maybe I can become a little more awesome in the next two days?
To keep myself reasonably calm, I've given myself permission to fail one of the three sections. Horrible isn't it? But it helps. I want to pass the whole thing, but I'll go easy on myself if I don't.
The first two sections, given on the first day are multiple choice, but tricky. I'm hoping to pass those, as that's what I'm mostly studying for.
The third section and second day of the test is the practicum. It involves problem solving a floor plan and drawing it out, as well as doing details, and other fun stuff I won't bore you with. While it's possible to practice for that, I haven't put in much time, so I'm looking at that part as a trial run for the fall when I take it again.
Wish me luck!
(At least it's distracting me from all the baby making stuff...ha ha ha)
To keep myself reasonably calm, I've given myself permission to fail one of the three sections. Horrible isn't it? But it helps. I want to pass the whole thing, but I'll go easy on myself if I don't.
The first two sections, given on the first day are multiple choice, but tricky. I'm hoping to pass those, as that's what I'm mostly studying for.
The third section and second day of the test is the practicum. It involves problem solving a floor plan and drawing it out, as well as doing details, and other fun stuff I won't bore you with. While it's possible to practice for that, I haven't put in much time, so I'm looking at that part as a trial run for the fall when I take it again.
Wish me luck!
(At least it's distracting me from all the baby making stuff...ha ha ha)
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Annoyance Subsiding
I finally heard back from my local RE's office. The woman who called me was very sweet and apologized for turning me into a stalker. She said that the woman who handles the medical records is no longer there. I guess that explains a few things.
Anyway, I faxed in a formal request for my records and should hopefully have them by next week. That will give me just enough time to make copies and mail them off to NY along with all of the forms the new RE needs.
I guess I need to start working on a list of questions to ask the new Dr. when I speak to him. First and foremost on my list will be questions about my egg quality and his opinion about even going forward with IVF. I would like to have a few more tests to help determine if I do have low ovarian reserve/poor egg quality or not.
I know it's probably unlikely, but I still wonder if my high FSH could have been caused by the accupuncturist. It seems so strange that my FSH suddenly spiked as I started the treatment that I really disliked.
I guess we'll see what he says in two weeks!
Anyway, I faxed in a formal request for my records and should hopefully have them by next week. That will give me just enough time to make copies and mail them off to NY along with all of the forms the new RE needs.
I guess I need to start working on a list of questions to ask the new Dr. when I speak to him. First and foremost on my list will be questions about my egg quality and his opinion about even going forward with IVF. I would like to have a few more tests to help determine if I do have low ovarian reserve/poor egg quality or not.
I know it's probably unlikely, but I still wonder if my high FSH could have been caused by the accupuncturist. It seems so strange that my FSH suddenly spiked as I started the treatment that I really disliked.
I guess we'll see what he says in two weeks!
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Hello 2009!
Happy New Year to everyone out there in blog land. I know I've been missing for quite some time, sorry about that. So for a New Year's resolution, I'm going to try to return to blogging with some frequency again.
I'm also going to try to have a better outlook on things. I've allowed some of the situations outside of my control really affect the way I see myself, and not for the better. Namely the best-friend saga. Nothing more has come of that and it really pisses me off. It's too late, even if she decides to apologize etc. the friendship has been ruined. So...I'm going to let it go and move on.
Happily, I am filling that void. It's not easily done of course, but I've become closer with some friends in Orlando, and I've met some new friends through M. One is even a former IF so she gets it. What a relief to hang with someone who does. BTW, Barb, we should try to get together sometime ;)
The holidays have been good, M has had some time off from work and it's been wonderful to hang out with him. Last night was fun, we went to two parties and have been recovering on our sofa all day. I made our traditional New Years dinner, collard greens, blackeyed peas, and pulled pork. I guess our time in Savannah has made an impression lol.
I'm really hoping that 2009 is an improvement on 2008. I can honestly say that 2008 was probably my worst year ever.
I'm not sure what to expect in the way of IF. I've come to the realization that I'm not going to spontaneously become pregnant, so there is no longer any hopefulness each month. There is a strange relieft that comes with that, so it's not entirely bad.
That said, M still wants to have a go with IVF. I don't really know how I feel about that. Part of me still likes the idea of trying and having a baby. The other part of me doesn't want to deal with the rollercoaster and probable dark place that I will end up in. I really don't have too much confidence in my body's ability to get pregnant anymore.
Even though it could really suck, I'm willing to do it. I want to satisfy my curiosity and give it a chance, because you never know. But mostly I want to do it for M. He wants this so badly and thinks it will work. I can't deny him this after the last three years of trying.
Well...this has been a random post, not my most cohesive, but you'll have to forgive me as I'm very rusty. I promise to get better...I'm already feeling better as I'm typing this. :)
Talk to you all soon.
I'm also going to try to have a better outlook on things. I've allowed some of the situations outside of my control really affect the way I see myself, and not for the better. Namely the best-friend saga. Nothing more has come of that and it really pisses me off. It's too late, even if she decides to apologize etc. the friendship has been ruined. So...I'm going to let it go and move on.
Happily, I am filling that void. It's not easily done of course, but I've become closer with some friends in Orlando, and I've met some new friends through M. One is even a former IF so she gets it. What a relief to hang with someone who does. BTW, Barb, we should try to get together sometime ;)
The holidays have been good, M has had some time off from work and it's been wonderful to hang out with him. Last night was fun, we went to two parties and have been recovering on our sofa all day. I made our traditional New Years dinner, collard greens, blackeyed peas, and pulled pork. I guess our time in Savannah has made an impression lol.
I'm really hoping that 2009 is an improvement on 2008. I can honestly say that 2008 was probably my worst year ever.
I'm not sure what to expect in the way of IF. I've come to the realization that I'm not going to spontaneously become pregnant, so there is no longer any hopefulness each month. There is a strange relieft that comes with that, so it's not entirely bad.
That said, M still wants to have a go with IVF. I don't really know how I feel about that. Part of me still likes the idea of trying and having a baby. The other part of me doesn't want to deal with the rollercoaster and probable dark place that I will end up in. I really don't have too much confidence in my body's ability to get pregnant anymore.
Even though it could really suck, I'm willing to do it. I want to satisfy my curiosity and give it a chance, because you never know. But mostly I want to do it for M. He wants this so badly and thinks it will work. I can't deny him this after the last three years of trying.
Well...this has been a random post, not my most cohesive, but you'll have to forgive me as I'm very rusty. I promise to get better...I'm already feeling better as I'm typing this. :)
Talk to you all soon.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Fun Names
I shamelessly stole this from Kym at I'm a Smart One who shamelessly stole it from Calliope.
Good fun, thanks Kym & Calliope!
1.Your rock star name (first pet, current car): Flower Elantra
2.Your gangsta name (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe): Coffee Sandle
3.Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal): Green Turtle
4.Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born): Marie Hagerstown
5.Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name): Bolst
6.Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Blue Juice
7.NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers): Ronald Paul
8.Dancer name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Happy Chocolate
9.TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Minnick Miami
10.Spy name (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Summer Orchid
11.Cartoon name:(favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Mango Pants
12.Hippie name (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): Plum Oak
13.Movie star name (first pet, first street where you lived): Flower Salem
Good fun, thanks Kym & Calliope!
1.Your rock star name (first pet, current car): Flower Elantra
2.Your gangsta name (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe): Coffee Sandle
3.Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal): Green Turtle
4.Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born): Marie Hagerstown
5.Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name): Bolst
6.Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Blue Juice
7.NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers): Ronald Paul
8.Dancer name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Happy Chocolate
9.TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Minnick Miami
10.Spy name (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Summer Orchid
11.Cartoon name:(favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Mango Pants
12.Hippie name (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): Plum Oak
13.Movie star name (first pet, first street where you lived): Flower Salem
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Checking In
Hi everyone. Sorry to be gone for so long without checking in. Things have been a little crazy lately. I'll have to write a longer post soon, but for now I'll give you a brief update.
The main reason for my disappearance is a new job. I've started something and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. It's with a start up company so I'm helping to get it off the ground as well as do their design work. So... it could turn into something awesome, or it could crash and burn.
I'm not all that adventurous, so this is challenging for me. I'm trying to go with the flow and not freak, but I haven't been very successful yet. Ha ha. Deep breaths.
We also had family in town, my mom and her brother flew in from MD. Unfortunately for them, they got to catch most of T.S. Fay. Not exactly the ideal visit to the Sunshine State! We were soggy, but fortunately the storm didn't do any damage or cause any flooding in our part of town.
We had a good time anyway and even did the indoor skydiving on I-drive. In case you don't know what I'm talking about, basically it entails jumping into a vertical wind tunnel and attempting to float. Since I never plan on jumping out of a plane, that's the closest to experiencing a free fall that I'll ever have (hopefully). :)
I guess that sums up the past few weeks. Nothing really new on the IF front.
Hopefully I'll start catching up on every one's blog soon.
The main reason for my disappearance is a new job. I've started something and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. It's with a start up company so I'm helping to get it off the ground as well as do their design work. So... it could turn into something awesome, or it could crash and burn.
I'm not all that adventurous, so this is challenging for me. I'm trying to go with the flow and not freak, but I haven't been very successful yet. Ha ha. Deep breaths.
We also had family in town, my mom and her brother flew in from MD. Unfortunately for them, they got to catch most of T.S. Fay. Not exactly the ideal visit to the Sunshine State! We were soggy, but fortunately the storm didn't do any damage or cause any flooding in our part of town.
We had a good time anyway and even did the indoor skydiving on I-drive. In case you don't know what I'm talking about, basically it entails jumping into a vertical wind tunnel and attempting to float. Since I never plan on jumping out of a plane, that's the closest to experiencing a free fall that I'll ever have (hopefully). :)
I guess that sums up the past few weeks. Nothing really new on the IF front.
Hopefully I'll start catching up on every one's blog soon.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Header
I've finally decided to stop being so lazy about my blogs appearance. It's a small change but I think it's an improvement. I'm not sure if that's the image I want to keep, but it'll have to do for now. I took that picture when I met up with Barb at a local park, some of you might recognize it from a previous post.
Maybe I should look into creating my own special header. It would be the perfect project to help me learn Illustrator better, something I need to do! I would like to be able to do more graphic design work, not just interior design. Partially because I enjoy it and partially because it's nice to have more than one way to pay the bills when the going gets tough.
Interior design isn't exactly the most stable field to be in, especially when it's tied to the housing market. It's not the worst, don't get me wrong, but it's not a necessity like medicine and law.
As my MIL pointed out at lunch yesterday, M's sister is good, "she doesn't need anything, she has everything". This was her response when we asked what we could get SIL for her birthday.
I know the comment was innocent, but it's the truth. She's a lawyer married to a Dr. with three small children.
M and I are only scraping by in our design jobs and of course we don't have children.
Quite a contrast. Yeah, I know I need to stop being so pitiful. ;)
Maybe I should look into creating my own special header. It would be the perfect project to help me learn Illustrator better, something I need to do! I would like to be able to do more graphic design work, not just interior design. Partially because I enjoy it and partially because it's nice to have more than one way to pay the bills when the going gets tough.
Interior design isn't exactly the most stable field to be in, especially when it's tied to the housing market. It's not the worst, don't get me wrong, but it's not a necessity like medicine and law.
As my MIL pointed out at lunch yesterday, M's sister is good, "she doesn't need anything, she has everything". This was her response when we asked what we could get SIL for her birthday.
I know the comment was innocent, but it's the truth. She's a lawyer married to a Dr. with three small children.
M and I are only scraping by in our design jobs and of course we don't have children.
Quite a contrast. Yeah, I know I need to stop being so pitiful. ;)
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Rambling Thoughts
Ha, that was a rambling mess of a blog post last night!
Still, I'm really happy for the distraction my friends provided me. I haven't really shared the drama surrounding my BF so it was nice just to have a normal night.
The host of the party was my former boss. He's such a nice man and recently revealed to me that he and his wife tried for 6 years before doing IVF and conceiving their twin boys. I had always wondered, because of the twins and he confirmed my suspicions.
He gave me a good quiet pep talk (unsolicited) about how it would eventually work out. I really love talking to people who "get it". I'm still amazed at how many of us are out there.
Hope you all are having a great weekend!
Still, I'm really happy for the distraction my friends provided me. I haven't really shared the drama surrounding my BF so it was nice just to have a normal night.
The host of the party was my former boss. He's such a nice man and recently revealed to me that he and his wife tried for 6 years before doing IVF and conceiving their twin boys. I had always wondered, because of the twins and he confirmed my suspicions.
He gave me a good quiet pep talk (unsolicited) about how it would eventually work out. I really love talking to people who "get it". I'm still amazed at how many of us are out there.
Hope you all are having a great weekend!
Late Night Confession
I confess, I haven’t been totally honest with you, my blogger friends. I’m feeling a touch guiltly, but I “celebrated” a birthday on Friday. I was trying to pretend that it wasn’t happening, but I just turned 31 (gasp). Let's just pretend that it didn't really happen, k?
I wouldn’t be bothered if it weren’t for the milestones I haven’t hit. I was expecting to have a baby, actually two about now. So turning 31 has been a big disappointment. Oh well, I’ll deal.
The BF debacle just added to the stupidity of this b-day. We were supposed to go downtown tonight and drink our faces off. Clearly that’s off the table. I drank a good bit anyway ;)
As an update, she did e-mail a brief but nice happy b-day wish for blessings and happiness. I responded in kind, with brief thanks and good wishes for her pregnancy. I guess this is what it’s come to. Could be worse.
Fortunately I was invited to a party on Saturday (tonight) so I wasn’t sitting home along feeling sorry for myself. Thank goodness. I seriously needed to have some fun. Yayyy, peach vodka, yayyy mango vodka. Yayyy friends. Okay, I’m still feeling the effects of said vodka, but yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Sadly we had to leave a little earlier than I’d like since M has a deadline on Monday and wanted to either work tonight or tuck in early. Still not sure which. He’s catching up on his Avatar marathon at the moment. I’ll admit, I like watching Avatar too. It’s a pretty good cartoon. I think M should be the Avatar for Halloween! ;)
Okay, enough of the drunk blogging. I’ll check in with you guys later.
I wouldn’t be bothered if it weren’t for the milestones I haven’t hit. I was expecting to have a baby, actually two about now. So turning 31 has been a big disappointment. Oh well, I’ll deal.
The BF debacle just added to the stupidity of this b-day. We were supposed to go downtown tonight and drink our faces off. Clearly that’s off the table. I drank a good bit anyway ;)
As an update, she did e-mail a brief but nice happy b-day wish for blessings and happiness. I responded in kind, with brief thanks and good wishes for her pregnancy. I guess this is what it’s come to. Could be worse.
Fortunately I was invited to a party on Saturday (tonight) so I wasn’t sitting home along feeling sorry for myself. Thank goodness. I seriously needed to have some fun. Yayyy, peach vodka, yayyy mango vodka. Yayyy friends. Okay, I’m still feeling the effects of said vodka, but yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Sadly we had to leave a little earlier than I’d like since M has a deadline on Monday and wanted to either work tonight or tuck in early. Still not sure which. He’s catching up on his Avatar marathon at the moment. I’ll admit, I like watching Avatar too. It’s a pretty good cartoon. I think M should be the Avatar for Halloween! ;)
Okay, enough of the drunk blogging. I’ll check in with you guys later.
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