Buying Drugs and Severing Ties

I bought drugs today, but not all of them! Thanks to Kym and her friend Kimmy, I was hooked up with 6 menopur!!! AWESOME...thanks again for being so generous and donating unused meds, it really helps.

So today is officially CD1 and I'm going in for my CD3 scan tomorrow. I'm sure you've noticed that tomorrow is really CD2...I've been reassured that it's cool to go a day early (my local clinic doesn't want to see me on Saturday).

On a different topic...

Today I dropped of the few items that my former friend, K left at my house. I stopped by her office and left everything, including a card and note with the receptionist. While I was there, I saw a co-worker of K's that I had met at K's bridal shower and wedding, she was very pleasant when she saw me. She chatted with me and told me that K is expecting a boy and what his name will be.

Surprisingly, this didn't really bother me much. I feel a sense of relief to have put this behind me. Thanks for all of your advice and support, hopefully this is the end of the drama :)

Simplified Goodbye

Thanks for listening to me rant about that mess. It's amazing what posting here does to give some perspective. Of course it's even more amazing to get feedback, something that is very appreciated in situations like this. You have helped me more than you know.

Taking into consideration your comments, I re-wrote my letter to K. I took out all of the accusatory, angry bitchiness (it felt so good to write all of that down!) and simplified it to a simple goodbye.

K,

I hope this letter finds you, J and the baby well.

The sudden ending of our friendship was an outcome I never could have imagined, but I hope it has allowed you to find the true happiness and support you needed. I want to let you know that I hope you find peace with the situation if you haven’t already.

I wish you, J and the baby a wonderful and happy life together.

Goodbye.

-Stephanie

But in all honesty, I'm not sure I need to send it after all. I might, just because I do want to return a few of her items that are in my possesion. So, do you think this letter is the better way to go?


BTW, I've been blogging a year now! Woohoo.

I can't believe it's March already!!! Just a few more weeks to go.

Friendship Closure?

Okay, I have a question for you ladies out there. You remember the best friend saga. Well, it's been bothering me for quite some time and I want to put it behind me. I'm just not sure if it's selfish on my part to contact her and officially say goodbye, but I'm seriously considering it.

If I do, I plan on sending her a letter (see below), congratulatory baby card, a small baby gift and call it done.


K,

When you said “I need to surround myself with real happiness right now” I didn’t think you would just drop a long time friend. I’m not sure the real reason, but I have a few theories...

Perhaps you feel embarrased about what happened and don’t know how to talk to me?

Perhaps you are angry that I couldn’t completely ignore my own feelings of “desperation” as you call them and pretend that your poorly delivered news was the best day ever?

Perhaps you just don’t want my infertility to taint your pregnancy and you don’t want to have to consider someone else’s feelings?

Whichever it is, all though I am curious, it’s more or less destroyed what friendship we had. I don’t really get why you would feel the need to go this route, I made it clear that I am happy for you and J and that I wasn’t asking for this dramatic severing of a friendship. I just wanted some consideration during a difficult time in my life, just as you deserve support (even if it couldn't always be from me) during an exciting time in yours. But hey, whatever.

For what it’s worth, I’m trying to forgive you for what happened and let this all go so that I can move forward without too much emotional baggage. I hope you can do the same and that you J and the baby have a happy and healthy life together.

Since it appears that we won’t be getting together any time soon and I never got your new address, I figured dropping this off with J at work would be the best way to close this chapter. So here's the dish and fingernail polish you left at my house as well as the book I borrowed.

Good luck and best wishes!

Your old friend,

Stephanie

P.S. Not that you care, but it’s bothered me how you viewed my “time spent reading blogs and researching” as a negative. Thank God *I* blog and have the support of people who ‘get it’ in place to deal with situations like this! Maybe now that you are expecting you might see how valuable it is to do a little research and have friends who understand exactly what you’re going through?! Just saying.


So, what do you think? Selfish and obnoxious, or honest and deserved? I am still clearly hurt and angry, but maybe it's not right to share that with her? I would really like to have this behind me before starting IVF 2 next month and I think this *might* be the best way.

Because I would be dropping this off with her husband, I'd have him read the letter and make the call about giving it to her. I honestly don't want to upset her in anyway that would affect her health.

Sorry to bring this up time and again, but it's really been a difficult situation for me to resolve. I feel so much guilt for being the sucky infertile friend, but also so much anger that K wasn't able to handle this in a more mature manner.

Thanks for playing along. :)

Signed and Ready to Send

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for the comments on my last post. I appreciate your advice, especially in regards to only going as far as I feel comfortable with. I'm not exactly sure what that is yet, but I know it doesn't involve calling her up right now.

So I went with option D, or at least that's the plan. I wrote a little something in the card along the lines of "how are you and DH, I heard things are going well, I'm so happy to hear that..." I also offered to share some pregnancy books I purchased for myself (back before my infertility became obvious) if she's interested.

So, here's the hiccup. I don't have her new address! She moved to a new place, but I don't know what I did with her street address, although she gave it to me once upon a time.
I guess I'm going to have to call her sister up and get it that way, 'cause otherwise I'm either throwing in the towel or going the e-mail route.


I'm not really worrying over this too much, but I do want to be careful. I'd hate to lose a friendship over carelessness on my part. I want to know that I did everything I could or should to smooth things over.

Thanks again to my loyal friends in the blogosphere!

P.S. My trip out of town was postponed to next week, but I'm not holding my breath. Especially with Ike churning it's way in our general direction.

Should I Bother?

Not much has happened with the best friend-turned-pregnant-non-friend saga. The only contact I’ve had with BF was receiving a brief happy b-day e-mail back in July which I responded to with an equally brief thank you and best wishes email.

I don’t really socialize with BF’s sister much, but we occasionally have reason to see one another. She stopped by last week to pick up some of our leftover wiring for her kitchen remodel and we chatted for a bit.

Out of some sort of politeness/self torture, I asked about BF. I didn’t really expect it to be so hard hearing about how happy BF and her husband are now and how she’s showing already and will be finding out the sex of the baby soon.

I know it’s always going to be difficult to hear stuff like that, but it’s harder knowing that so much is going on in her life and I’m no longer privy to it first-hand. I know it can't be fun dealing with a frustrated infertile friend, but to be rudely dismissed from her life now that it’s not so convenient is a hard pill to swallow. I always thought that good friendships weathered the tough times.

I’ve often wondered if it wasn’t just the pregnancy hormones leading BF to be so insensitive and quick to withdraw, and now that she’s hopefully leveled out, she’s just too embarrassed to deal with the situation. Or…she’s not who I thought she was and I’m better off without her.

I would like it to be the former and have things back to normal. We've know each other for more than half our lives and been good friends for the last 10+ years. But in all honesty, it’s not like we talked every day or even every week. So her absence from my life isn’t all that acute. It’s more like the idea of her absence is more painful. Kind of sad, but true.

I’m still pretty pissed that this happened in the first place. One part of me doesn't want to be the bigger person, I just want to put this behind me and write her off. I feel like I'm already on the losing end of this debacle anyway. At least she gets a baby at the end to fill the void of a former friendship. What do I get? But... I feel like I should make some sort of attempt at reconciliation, because that’s what I’m supposed to do. Know what I mean?

Which brings me around to the same question I had before, do I try to fix this or leave it alone?

Her b-day is in about a week, so I have to decide soon *IF* I want to contact her or not. I'm still pretty angry, so it might not be an easy road, especially if I have to do all of the work.

As I see it, I have several options *IF* I do want to make an attempt.

Option A: Treat her birthday as she did mine and e-mail her. It takes minimal effort and has minimal impact as far as our “friendship” goes.

Option B: E-mail her a happy b-day and go a little further by inquiring after her health, goings on, husband, etc. -Carefully staying away from any hostile accusations and hurtfulness.

Option C: Send an actual card to her house. Also rather safe, but it does have a little extra thoughtfulness. (I’ve already bought a very benign card, not the usual Shoebox-snarky- best friend-card ‘cause we’re not there anymore)

Option D: Similar to option B, sending the card and including a hand written note to break the ice and offer her an excuse to contact me if that’s what she’s waiting on.

Option E: Of course the riskiest of all and least likely to happen, phoning her up on her b-day for an actual chat. This would take extreme amounts of courage (possibly liquid, ha-ha) on my part as I would have to remain composed in regards to our friendship meltdown AND the pregnancy, assuming that she could bring her-self to speak to a lowly infertile such as myself.

What do you say? You guys give great advice and I’m in need of some discourse that isn’t solely taking place in my neurotic head. ;)

P.S. I’m out of town this week, so I don’t know how often I’ll be able to check in, but I’ll do my best!

My Move

BF wrote me back last night. She apologized for not realizing how difficult this is for me, but ended the e-mail with this:

You don't have to worry about me telling you details of this pregnancy. I promise not a word. I need to surround myself with real happiness right now to help me get through this scary transition and very apprehensive first stages. I'm sorry things didn't work out the way we would have liked them to...

I don’t know how to respond, I’ve already explained that I’m both happy and sad. Happy for them but sad for us. I think I made it clear that it was the way the news was delivered that was hurtful, and that with time, I will be a lot happier. Is it just me or does it sound like she’s writing me off because I’m not 100% over the moon? I hope I’m not misinterpreting her meaning, but I’m very confused.

Was my struggle and desire not clear enough all these years? Did I not convey the depth of my IF pain? Did she not witness my sadness with my SIL’s third pregnancy? I don’t know why she would expect so much from me so fast.

I’m tempted to explain it all to her again, but I don’t want to beat a dead horse. I’m also tempted to give her this helpful bit of reading, but I’m not sure how it will be received. Maybe I should just send her a card in the mail and let some time pass.

Honestly, I don’t even know how much support I should offer at this point. Should I insist on being included or is that just asking for trouble considering she doesn’t get where I’m coming from. Should I just walk away and let her decide? Obviously I might not have a choice, but how do I approach this?

Thank you so much for listening to my whining and drama.

P.S. I'm really doing okay, just a little sad about all of this. M has been so supportive. :)

Confronting the Pregnant

Monday was still rough, but I decided to suck it up and text BF and ask how she was doing. She responded briefly stating that everything was the same. I asked a question or two and never heard back. I figured she was busy at work and she would probably call later in the evening when she got off.

After some time to digest I was feeling a little better. I was mostly upset about how the news was delivered. I do care about my BF very much and feel guilty that I’m not able to be the friend she needs right now.

When 9:30pm rolled around I decided to give her a call to check in. Selfishly I was hoping for a nice cathartic chat that would entail me explaining why I wasn’t able to fully show my happiness and her apologizing for the manner in which she broke the news.

I called and her husband said that she was already in bed and he would let her know that I called. I’m sure he could tell that I was a little upset because a few seconds later she called me back (she wasn’t asleep yet).

Our chat started out okay, I asked how things were and she said she didn’t have anything new to report, that’s why she didn’t call. I told her that I was just recovering from the shock and was hoping to talk a little. She didn’t seem to understand why I would want to and I got a little upset by her “whatever” attitude.

I told her that it had been an extremely emotional day for me, and that I wish it hadn’t happened the way it did. She said she had noticed by the look on my face when she came over that I was not pulled together. At that point everything came out, I couldn’t hold it in. I told her that I did not appreciate the way everything happened. How I needed more time and I wasn’t really able to digest the news and respond appropriately. I then told her that it was insensitive to show me the positives or to expect me to sympathize with her regrets of actually becoming pregnant.

She said she honestly didn’t think about any of that (?!) and she didn’t mean to hurt us. She also didn’t realize the amount of emotional turmoil I’ve been in and how difficult this would be for me. I know she wasn’t trying to hurt me. I guess it’s a case of you can’t know how much IF sucks unless you’ve been there.

I can’t even begin to explain how out of character this is for BF. She is a very sweet and compassionate person, she just didn’t get it this time. She apologized and said that she is embarrassed by her actions now. Of course I feel terrible, like I just ruined her exciting pregnancy news and strong armed her into an apology. Not the reason I called to chat.

The most horrible part is that now she won’t feel comfortable talking to me about the pregnancy, and I don't blame her. So I feel like a terrible friend for not giving her the support she needs. I really want to be there for her and be excited to see ultrasound pics, discuss her latest symptoms, and go shopping etc. I just don’t know if I can put my stupid self pitying emotions aside and step up.

At the end of the horrible phone call, we both apologized. I felt better for getting it off my chest and worse for burdening her with my issues. I decided to send her an email to apologize and explain things more clearly. I asked that she be patient with me, and understand that I am happy for them, but I need a little time after news like that. I also asked that she share future pregnancy related news a little more privately so that I won’t have an audience waiting for my reaction.

I know this might have destroyed a friendship and that it will be forever changed at best. I hate so much that this has happened. I hate so much that my IF has seemingly taken over my life.

What is an IF girl supposed to do in this sort of situation?

Consoling the Pregnant

I really suck right now. That whole best friend getting pregnant put me in a REALLY dark place for a day or so. I’m not sure I should blog about it, but since this is free therapy and I can’t afford the real deal, I’m going to let it out.

So this is how it went down. Saturday night Best Friend and her husband came over to hang out with us and some friends (we had houseguests in town) and all was well. We talked about stuff, she told me that her cycles had been weird (like always)and this month AF was a no show at like 40 days, but that she had taken a test a week ago and it was negative. I gave some assvice about seeing her Dr. and she said, no, she’ll see him in a few months.

I didn’t really say too much about our situation, as it’s been somewhat static for a while and I’ve been trying to keep my crazy in check and enjoy myself, but she knows pretty much everything.

On Sunday, our house guests were still in town, we were hanging by the pool, drinking having a really nice day. In the afternoon I get a missed call from BF and decide to call he back later when we’re done swimming. Not long after, M gets a call from BF’s husband saying that BF really wants to talk to me and she’s going to call me right away. I should have known something was up, but I wasn’t really thinking clearly.

I take my cell phone outside and sit with everyone on the porch. We’re drinking margaritas and having fun when she finally calls back. She asks what I’m doing, I tell her about the hanging out and then she starts crying and tells me that she took two tests that day and they’re both positive. Honestly, I don’t really remember much after that.

Naturally I was super shocked. From my questions and response everyone at the table figured what was going on. It took everything I had to keep from breaking down. I tried my best to be excited and comforting, but I know it was weak.

She said that she wanted to come by, so I got changed and waited for the inevitable. By that time I had already endured lots of, “are you alright” and “I’m so sorry” which of course makes it harder to keep the emotions in check. I just sat on the front porch shaking, trying to prepare myself for the required show of happiness.

We still had a full house so it was a little awkward when they showed up. Everyone offered up their congratulations which was met with something less than happiness. BF’s husband was entirely blank, and when we said congratulations, he said something like “I might be happy in a month, we’ll see”. WTF?

Fortunately for me, one of our house guests had to get to the airport and all of the guys jumped in the car leaving me to talk to BF with some privacy. After they left, she broke down and cried and told me about how awful this news is, and how she has been so upset and that her husband has not been very excited. She said that she “wishes she could take it back” and whipped out her two very positive tests.* Just what I was hoping for, visual aids.

I wanted to yell at her, and explain that she shouldn’t have been messing around like that if she and her husband weren’t ready for the positive. And they definitely shouldn’t be crying to me and M about it before they got their shit together. But I didn’t say any of those things.

Instead, I did my job as a friend to console her and say the right things.

I was in such shock that it still feels like a bad dream. I’m probably being too sensitive, but I was in disbelief that she would come over and lay everything on me like that. Of course if I wasn’t infertile I could have handled it well. But, she knows everything we’ve been through and she didn’t stop to consider how this would affect me?

I had no time to digest, I was half buzzed from the sun and alcohol and I still had to go visit my SIL and her 6 month old that night. Not to mention we still had someone staying with us.

I just can’t believe I was consoling HER over HER good fortune and telling HER that it would be alright.

After they left, M had the same reaction. He couldn’t believe that they would tell us like that, without any composure, without allowing me the decency to hear the news in private or have time to digest. No less complain to US about their surprise pregnancy news! WTF?

*I totally get the scared shitless part, but perhaps turning to your husband, sister, mother, non IF friend would have been more appropriate given the circumstances.

Best Friend

I am so unbelievably sad today. It's finally happened, my best friend is pregnant. I'm happy for her and her husband, they're great but I am just heart broken for me and M.

This is not how it was supposed to happen. She didn't even want to get pregnant yet, they weren't really truly trying... just not preventing. She doesn't have regular cycles so she was suprised when the test came out positive and she cried...to me.

I seriously don't know how I'm going to handle this. I can't sleep or eat I'm so upset. I just keep thinking that our friendship of 20 years is going to be so different now with nothing in common.

Oh yeah, I met my SILs baby daughter today too. I couldn't hold her which I'm sure pissed everyone off, but I could barely keep my shit together to get through dinner.