Simplified Goodbye

Thanks for listening to me rant about that mess. It's amazing what posting here does to give some perspective. Of course it's even more amazing to get feedback, something that is very appreciated in situations like this. You have helped me more than you know.

Taking into consideration your comments, I re-wrote my letter to K. I took out all of the accusatory, angry bitchiness (it felt so good to write all of that down!) and simplified it to a simple goodbye.

K,

I hope this letter finds you, J and the baby well.

The sudden ending of our friendship was an outcome I never could have imagined, but I hope it has allowed you to find the true happiness and support you needed. I want to let you know that I hope you find peace with the situation if you haven’t already.

I wish you, J and the baby a wonderful and happy life together.

Goodbye.

-Stephanie

But in all honesty, I'm not sure I need to send it after all. I might, just because I do want to return a few of her items that are in my possesion. So, do you think this letter is the better way to go?


BTW, I've been blogging a year now! Woohoo.

I can't believe it's March already!!! Just a few more weeks to go.

Friendship Closure?

Okay, I have a question for you ladies out there. You remember the best friend saga. Well, it's been bothering me for quite some time and I want to put it behind me. I'm just not sure if it's selfish on my part to contact her and officially say goodbye, but I'm seriously considering it.

If I do, I plan on sending her a letter (see below), congratulatory baby card, a small baby gift and call it done.


K,

When you said “I need to surround myself with real happiness right now” I didn’t think you would just drop a long time friend. I’m not sure the real reason, but I have a few theories...

Perhaps you feel embarrased about what happened and don’t know how to talk to me?

Perhaps you are angry that I couldn’t completely ignore my own feelings of “desperation” as you call them and pretend that your poorly delivered news was the best day ever?

Perhaps you just don’t want my infertility to taint your pregnancy and you don’t want to have to consider someone else’s feelings?

Whichever it is, all though I am curious, it’s more or less destroyed what friendship we had. I don’t really get why you would feel the need to go this route, I made it clear that I am happy for you and J and that I wasn’t asking for this dramatic severing of a friendship. I just wanted some consideration during a difficult time in my life, just as you deserve support (even if it couldn't always be from me) during an exciting time in yours. But hey, whatever.

For what it’s worth, I’m trying to forgive you for what happened and let this all go so that I can move forward without too much emotional baggage. I hope you can do the same and that you J and the baby have a happy and healthy life together.

Since it appears that we won’t be getting together any time soon and I never got your new address, I figured dropping this off with J at work would be the best way to close this chapter. So here's the dish and fingernail polish you left at my house as well as the book I borrowed.

Good luck and best wishes!

Your old friend,

Stephanie

P.S. Not that you care, but it’s bothered me how you viewed my “time spent reading blogs and researching” as a negative. Thank God *I* blog and have the support of people who ‘get it’ in place to deal with situations like this! Maybe now that you are expecting you might see how valuable it is to do a little research and have friends who understand exactly what you’re going through?! Just saying.


So, what do you think? Selfish and obnoxious, or honest and deserved? I am still clearly hurt and angry, but maybe it's not right to share that with her? I would really like to have this behind me before starting IVF 2 next month and I think this *might* be the best way.

Because I would be dropping this off with her husband, I'd have him read the letter and make the call about giving it to her. I honestly don't want to upset her in anyway that would affect her health.

Sorry to bring this up time and again, but it's really been a difficult situation for me to resolve. I feel so much guilt for being the sucky infertile friend, but also so much anger that K wasn't able to handle this in a more mature manner.

Thanks for playing along. :)

Waiting and Fidgeting

Sighhhh...

I'm a nervous ball of energy about this upcoming cycle. I'm about half way through this month (so now would be the time for a hail mary pregnancy -LOL) which means I should start BCP in two weeks. The month of BCP's isn't very exciting, but I'm looking forward to doing something active again.

I've recieved all of my test results and everything is A-okay, so I'm good to go. I called the nurse in NY to request a prescription for M's blood work, and then we'll both be done.

We've filled out our paperwork that goes over the legal issues of IVF. Like if we want to store any extra embryos (yes), what we would do in the case of a divorce (I get the embryos), that we understand there are no guarantees (duh). Now we just need to have the paper work notarized and mail it back.

I almost forgot how it feels to cycle...wishing for time to speed up.


Thanks for all of your support!!!

All Clear

I just finished up with my first mammogram! For whatever reason, I thought that the stories of having your boobs smashed between a vice were exagerations. Um, no. It's a very accurate description. But for what it's worth, it was a nice change to need to undress from the waist up!

I'm sure you've guessed from the title, I'm breast-cancer free, and even more surpising, cyst free. Apparently I'm just "lumpy". :) I don't know how this lump went unnoticed for so many years? (by me or my Drs.), but it's nothing.

Yayyyyy!!!

So I guess I'm still on track for IVF to begin in a month.

On a very sucky note, my 16 year old cousin got his 16 year old girlfriend pregnant. My family just found out and of course everyone is in shock. I'm less upset for me and more upset for them. Clearly they've been stupid and don't have a clue. I'm hoping that adoption is strongly considered for ALL involved.

Bump in the Road

Thanks for your warm thoughts, it's much appreciated.

So there's a little bump...in my right breast. I went into the gyn-y yesterday for my yearly pap. The ARNP that I see was doing my breast exam and found a small lump so I'm off for my first mammogram/breast sonogram on Monday. Woohoo.

I'm not overly worried, the lump moves around, and cancerous lumps don't, or so I've read. I'm betting that it's a cyst and hoping it will go away on its own, perhaps after I start my period in a few days. I just hope this isn't something that will get in the way of the IVF.

On a more positive note, I had all of my blood work taken care of yesterday for the IVF, 8 vials worth! I'm happy to have that all out of the way now.

Now I just have to figure out where M should go for his blood work. I don't know if I should just call our GP or if I should call the NY RE and have orders sent so that he can just go to a lab.

Oh, and even better news, I don't need an HSG!!! I misunderstood the RE over the phone, he was saying that I need a saline-sonohysterogram. I thought it was odd that he would order and HSG for IVF, so this makes much more sense.

So far the NY RE and his staff have been great. I had a question after the consultation, so I called the office. I was just hoping a nurse could tell me if the RE had handled the next step or if I needed to get the ball rolling. She took the message and the actual RE called me back to say that balls are rolling! I was more than shocked, it was a simple question and most likely a nurse could've handled it.

I guess I should mention that M and I have made a decision about when to go forward with the IVF. We're going to wait a month, it just makes more sense than starting next week. So that puts our estimated start of BCP's in early March and if I make it to retrieval that would be mid April. Almost exactly a year after the first IVF.

I think that sums up the latest and greatest.

Sad For Me and My Family

My uncle and friend is gone, I just got back from his funeral. I don't even know how to feel, it doesn't seem real and I'm trying hard not to let it hit me all at once. I'm grateful that he isn't suffering any longer, but of course I want him back, alive and well. 37 is ridiculously young to die of a stupid, random disease.

First Consultation Completed

Whew.

We had our first consultation with the NY Dr. this evening. It went rather smoothly, only 30 minutes behind schedule. ;) That's pretty impressive actually!

I printed out the questions I listed on my last entry and had them ready for him, although I didn't ask him every single one. But here is a run down of his answers:

• Do you think my FSH is too high for IVF? He practically scoffed at that. He considers my high of 11 to be in the "grey" area and still completely acceptable. He treats patients with FSH in the 20's! Whew, sigh of relief.
• Is there any testing to determine my most likely outcome, Clomid challenge test or Inhibin B testing? No, they are predictive, but he said he's seen enough people do poorly and still succeed, so he wouldn't bother. IVF is the real test.
• Do you believe in doing an antral follicle count before proceeding with IVF? Yes, he likes to see an antral follicle count. He said it gives him a heads up on how much medicine to give, but that he wouldn't cancel based on the count alone.
• What do you think of my poor response to Follistim/Menopur (especially since it was no better than my cycles with Clomid or Femara)? He advised trying more drugs, that will be the best indicator of my fertility. If I don't respond, well then I have serious issues. I didn't ask him this directly, he answered it on his own.
• Would you be more aggressive with the same drugs or recommend a new treatment? He said he'd stick to the same, just up the dosage. The same thing my local RE was planning actually. He seemed pleased with the information from my last IVF so I guess it wasn't a total waste.
• Would you recommend doing a microflare protocol, estrogen priming protocol, or an antagonist protocol? He recommended the antagonist, which I believe is the same as before. He said the microflare is the last ditch effort and hopefully it won't come to that. He didn't seem to be behind the estrogen priming protocol, it sounds like it's not something he's done before, or at least not often.
• Will I need to spend the entire treatment in NY ? The Dr. said he's comfortable with having my local RE do all of the monitoring and I can just come up for the retrieval/transfer or whatever combination works for us. I just wonder if the local RE's are down with that or not?! I know some of you have experience with the multi-clinic scenario, any advice?

The Dr. also recommend that I have an HSG to rule out any polyps that could have developed since my laparoscopy...bleh, from what I've read, they're no picnic. M and I also have to have all of our screening labs done again since it's almost been a year and they're required by the state.

M wants to start ASAP, but next month seems too soon to me. I haven't had enough time to process the idea but I guess I could be back on the cycling bandwagon again -soon.