The End

I've neglected this place for many months, almost 9 months actually. Which brings me around to the reason for this post. I just reached the oh so exciting mile stone of my unfulfilled due date. You know, from that blip of a pregnancy I had back in May.

I'm sad to say, things haven't changed. No spontaneous pregnancies, no sudden windfalls allowing for unlimited rounds of IVF and no bundles of joy left mysteriously on my doorstep.

With no babies on the horizon and no immediate plans for aquiring one, I'm trying to put it out of my mind and muddle through this ridculously bad era of my life. With that said, I'm not planning on continuing this blog.

If you're reading this, I'd like to say thank you for your support and lots of luck with your family building.

Signing off.

Stephanie

When This No Longer Helps

I'm not sure what to do, but I think I know what I'm going to do.

I've come to realize, at least for the moment, blogging isn't helping, it's hurting. Not the writing of the blog so much as the reading of blogs. Maybe it's that I'm no longer reading the right blogs and I need to find some new ones, but I'm not sure I have it in me to seek out what I'm missing.

Let me explain...

I took inventory of my google reader list, and a trend has revealed itself. Of the 23 blogs I read regularly...19 are pregnant or parenting. To further break it down, 7 are currently pregnant and 7 have given birth in the past 6 months-year. The remaining 5 have had children and two of those are trying for more. Only 4 blogs in my list have not conceived or given birth to living children and of those, two are actively trying. So... I'm in the company of two other primary infertiles still trying to get knocked up...out of 23.

Now can you see why blogging isn't really helping with the healing? LOL

I'm happy for all of the pregnancies, I'm not wishing anyone was NOT pregnant/parenting, but so many people are moving on and leaving me in the dust(one has even lapped me in the past two years!). Their posts no longer reflect my situation. In a sick twisted way, it was nice to be surrounded (if only in the blogosphere) by others fighting their way to parenthood. But now that I'm surrounded by pregnancy and baby posts, I feel all the more alone.

I recognize it's selfish and hypocritical, because if I had remained pregnant, I too would be leaving others behind and occasionally posting about the trials and tribulations of being knocked up. But I'm not pregnant and I am somewhat alone.

I just can't muster the appropriate level of enthusiasm to comment anymore. It's like being at a baby shower or picinic where everyone is sitting around chatting about their kids. It's just painful and awkward and I don't need that right now, know what I mean? I wish I was stronger or could pretend that I don't care, but I'm not and I can't. I need to take some time for myself and come to terms with this.

So, for now, I'm signing off. I want to thank you all for your support and wish everyone success with their family building. You're a great group of ladies, I really mean that. Perhaps I'll re-tool my blog when I have some clarity, but for now, I'm out.

Stephanie

Done

The bleeding started on Friday and has finally tapered off -just spotting now. I didn't really expect it to go on as long as it did considering it was a chemical.

I spent Memorial Day weekend crying my eyes out, I was hurting physically (I really hate cramps) and emotionally. The feelings I have about all of this are so mixed. I'm grateful that I had those few day of pregnancy, it's more than I've ever had before. For a few days I was able to revel in the idea that I would be normal, and have a child.

M and I very quietly discussed the possibility of a future with a family of our own. It was nice, especially on our 7 year anniversary. It was the only thing we wanted, and for that day, we had it.

Of course now that it hasn't worked out, I feel like a huge loser. I know I shouldn't tie my self esteem to my infertility, but of course we all know that it doesn't work that way. I am trying to stay sane and move on, honest, but it might take some time. It's hard to be sociable when things suck so much.

I can't completely reconcile that it's over. I keep thinking there must be something else I can do. I'm not sure what that is, but for now we're taking it one day at a time.

Bleh

It's not unexpected. My second beta is 14. Impressive isn't it?

I'm sorta thankful for such a low number, at least it doesn't leave any wiggle room for hope. A doubling number would have just put me into beta hell and I'm glad I'm not there. It also rules out an ectopic, as the numbers would have been higher for that.

Don't misunderstand, I wanted to stay pregnant, I want a baby that looks like M very much. He really deserves to be a father. I'm so sad that he can't have that, and I'm the reason.

I've had a good cry, but so far I'm not as upset as I thought I'd be. M is very sad that it didn't happen. He really thought it would and had a lot of hope. We've talked about the next step, but only a little.

For now, we're focusing on ourselves and living child free. I know I probably won't be satisified with this for long, but right now it sounds nice. M has cheered me up by talking about the places we'll go. He even suggested we move to Europe, ha ha (I would too!).

Eh

Sorry for taking so long. It's not that I'm trying to be coy or keep good news from you, I haven't had any news to share.

I went for my beta on Saturday, and did that suck. I'm using stupid, stupid Labcorp and had to wait 2 hours for a 30 second blood draw. Since my RE is in NY, I have to have my lab results sent up and it's not efficient. Stupid, stupid Labcorp didn't even send the results until Monday, so here we are, 2 days later.

My first beta is...12

Yes, you read right, 12 at day 14.

Not good.

Pretty much doomed to fail.

Possibly ectopic.

Before I knew my results, I had to call the clinic in NY 3 times to have them fax a prescription for beta number 2 today. Of course, by the time this happened it was already 12pm so I don't have the results of today's beta yet. Stupid, stupid Labcorp was unable to get it together even though STAT was written across the prescription in big letters.

I know that there is *hope* but I don't have much of it. Even if the beta doubles, that's not enough really. A quadruple wouldn't really satisfy me either. It would need to be over 100 to keep my head in the game.

Hopefully I'll hear back tomorrow morning. I'll update when I know something.

Oh, and did I mention, I spotted a little today and my symptoms are rather non-existent.

Am I Dreaming?

I know it's not easy to see, but there is definately a line! I can't really believe it. I tested yesterday morning 9dp3dt and had a faint, faint, faint line on a FRER. I wasn't sure if it was a positive, evaporation line, ghosting, etc even though I saw something within the 10 minute window. I tried to take a picture, but it's so faint that it's not visible.

I took another FRER and had better results in the afternoon, but also super faint. I went out and bought a Target brand test and it gave me a positive right away, so I'm pretty sure it's not just my imagination. ;)

I still can't believe I've gotten to this point. I've NEVER had a positive, EVER!

I took another FRER and Target test this morning. The FRER wasn't as dark as yesterday and the Target brand was the same. I'm trying not to obsess over the lightness/darkness of the lines. I know different tests can have different sensitivities and a line is a line.

My beta is tomorrow. I'm cautiously optomistic, but nervous of course. This is our last and only chance at a biological child, so I'm praying for a good outcome.

Thankyou to everyone who has been cheering me on!

Home Again at 7dp3dt

Ahhhh, it's so good to be home. I can't believe I was away for a month!

Not much new with the waiting, I have symptoms, but we all know that they're meaningless. Oh, but nausea and adversions to smells on a plane is a good time, let me tell you.

I've taken two tests. The first was a super faint postitive from the HCG at 5dp3dt and the second was this morning. It was definately not positive.

I'm going with the every other day testing method, I think it's working for me. ;) I know I'm a Negative Nelly (no pun intended) but I'm not feeling it. I was hopeful the past few days, but today, not so much. I'm trying to prepare, thinking ahead to what this summer and what this year will be like.

Going Craaaazyyyy

Today is 4dp 3dt aka day 7. It's my understanding that if implantation is to take place, it will happen about now. Are my embryos still alive? I have no idea.

I was doing well, until now. I have one week left until the beta and I don't know if I'll make it. Not that I have a choice, but the crazy thoughts are taking over. It's all I can think about, especially when I'm in between waking and sleep. Not fun.

I swing wildly from 'this couldn't possibly work, it's me after all' to 'I deserve this to work, and it will work'.

I'm at my parents house now, I just drove down with M from NY Thursday night. He went on down to FL without me and I will fly down on Monday. Roxy also went home with him too :) I know M doesn't love her, but I do.

So back to the crazy...I'm wrestling with the idea of POS to test out the HCG. I probably need to do that ASAP so I'll know what's going on should a + make an appearance, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not.

I'm thinking of ordering some tests online and having them shipped to my house in FL so I can test when I get back, but that wouldn't be until 7dp 3dt so I'll need to buy some at the drug store here.

Oh the craziness. I can't wait until I know one way or the other. I'm trying to prepare for bad news, that is the most likely outcome. Really.

100

No, that's not how many embryos I put back. This is my 100th post. It's also cinco de mayo. And most importantly today is the most knocked up I've ever been. We put back two great embryos. The original weighed in at an outstanding 8 cell grade A. The second weighed in at a respectable 9 cell grade C.

M and I were prepared to put back all three(yikes) if the grading was poor and the RE allowed. Fortunately/unfortunately this was unnecessary. The third embryo arrested, leaving us with just the two. I'm pleased that they seem to be strong and that we didn't have to consider the third.

Of course now I'm beginning the dreaded 2WW-AKA-WUB. At least this time I have a prayer. Thanks for all of your kind thoughts, prayers, and support. Sadly the RE doing the transfer doesn't take pics, so not much to show and tell.

Triplets

Sorry for the delay, M has taken over my machine for work.

So the fert report isn't spectacular, but it's okay. Originally only one egg fertilized on its own. I was a very sad infertile on Sunday. The nurse told me that had to break out ICSI on four more eggs and wouldn't know until Monday how many fertilized.

Fortunately I had two more, giving us triplets. ;) I don't know what to think, obviously my eggs are old and crusty, but there's still a chance that one or two, or three(?)could work out.

I go in today at 11 for the transfer, so wish us luck.

I'll udate with the details later today, promise!

SIX

Hi guys,

Everything went very well. Amazingly enough, I had SIX eggs retrieved!!! Can you believe it? I surpassed my goal of five! Yayyy

Of course I don't know if they were all mature or of good quality. I won't find out the details until tomorrow. I'm hoping for at least three to fertilize and grow.

Honestly, the worst part of the retrieval was the IV, that sucker hurt and still does. I'm mildy crampy now, but otherwise good to go. Thank goodness for the Anesthesiologist!

After I was released, we went for brunch at Ihop and then to see Wolverine. It has been a nice relaxing day, now I'm parked on the couch watching TV.

I can hardly wait for news, but of course I'm nervous that it won't be good. My nightmare is that nothing will make it. I'm trying to block the negative thoughts and think that this *might* work. :)

I'll let you know how it goes.

Trigger

I'm officially done with the stims as of last night. I took my morning shot of Ganerelix and will take the trigger sometime tonight. I'm still waiting to hear from the nurses for the exact moment.

My scan today gave some interesting new numbers. I really don't even know what to think of it, so I'm not thinking much at all. Ha ha

Righty: 21.5, and 13.5
Lefty: 28.5, 27, 17.5, 12.5, and 11. So we have two newcommers aboard?! I had a different nurse do the scan and she was much more thorough than the first few. She spent at least 3 or 4 minutes looking around and trying to get really good images.

I've jumped considerably in size, about 5mm in one day...that seems awfully fast to me, hopefully it doesn't hurt anything. I'm just hoping for something to work out on Saturday.

I go back in tomorrow for blood work only, so I'm pretty much in the dark until ER. I'll keep you posted. Thanks for all your words of encouragement, it really helps.

Day 8

Today has been a ride.

I went to my latest checkup and things haven't progressed as I would have liked. I might be back to only three follicles to work with now.

The problem is, my lead follicles are getting too large and aren't giving the little one's time to catch up. I have some hard numbers to share with you guys today.

Righty has one follicle at 16mm and a pathetic little 11mm
Lefty has a 23mm, 22.5mm and a sad little 12mm

I saw a partner of NY RE and he broke it down for me. He confirmed that they would do the egg retrieval on Saturday. I didn't ask for my E2, I was a little freaked out after I heard the numbers and forgot.

The craziness came this afternoon. A nurse called to tell me to take the HCG trigger shot tonight! That would put egg retrieval on Friday. Ummm...okay, but M isn't going to be here yet. I was in a near panic when she told me all of this! I explained the situation to her, 'cause clearly she and the partner didn't know any of this.

She said she'd speak to the same RE who made the decision and call me back. Five minutes later she called and said it would be fine to push ER until Saturday. Of course that made me and M verrrry nervous. Obviously if the best outcome is to do the ER on Friday, then M would need to get up here asap.

Fortunately M decided to speak to our RE directly and get his take on the situation. NY RE said that after reviewing the information, he preferred a Saturday ER anyway. We are now breathing a bit easier, but I'm still a little nervous about the large follicles. I'm scared the big one's will be too big and the small, too small leaving me with just one! Oh well.

I'm still disapointed in our situation, but we won't know anything really for a few days. I'm trying to just relax and stay positive.

Day 7 of Stims

Not much to report. I'm starting to get sore, it hurts to stand up and sit down, but it's not a big deal. I'm also starting to puff up a bit in the middle. I'm trying to eat well, lots of fruits, veggies, eggs, meat, salmon and water. I'm hoping the protein will give me healthy eggs!

I'm feeling a little more hopeful that this isn't an entire waste of time. I've googled many positive outcomes with just a few follicles, so it's not over yet.

Just because, I'm going to post some pics of my drugs :) I actually have two because I ordered my meds in two batches. I didn't want to be stuck holding thousands of dollars of pharmaceuticals if I was canceled. I'm so optomistic. Ha ha. My second (and final?) batch arrived this morning. I might have to order just a few more things if my retrieval is on Sunday, but I'm waiting until then.

Feast your eyes on the drugs...









I kinda wish I could have had them all together for dramatic effect. Oh well.

I'll update after tomorrows appointment.

Day 6 of Stims

I just had my second sono and blood work. I'm happy to report that I've improved, if only slightly. I now have a grand total of four follicles over 10mm with another small one lagging behind.

So lefty is putting out three and righty has one plus another under 10mm. I spoke with NY RE and he was encouraging, but somewhat neutral on the situation. Obviously less than five follicles isn't stellar, but he said it could be worse. I could be older with less than five follicles. Sadly he didn't use his crystal ball to read my future.

He said my E2 numbers are nice and high, which could be good or bad. It could mean that my first three (and now fourth) follicles are growing like crazy and the others are lagging or it could mean that more follicles will soon appear. I'm hoping for more -I'm greedy like that :)

I haven't asked for specific numbers at this point and they haven't offered them. The clinic is efficient, but they don't hand hold. They don't even write down appointment times or dosage instructions for you unless you request it.

I think it might be better not to know the details, less to obsess about. I do know that my original three follicles were greater than 10mm (I think around 14mm)on Saturday and no other follicles were seen, but the tech wasn't trying too hard to look for smaller antral follicles. She spent all of 60 seconds looking around.

NY RE has put my retrieval date at either Saturday or Sunday. M is going to fly up this Friday. Yay.

Now for the annoying news.

The topic of Fragile X Syndrome was brought up...a little late in the game I might add. My mother entered menopause early, while in her late 30's and NY RE said that is an indicator for Fragile X. He is having me tested, but it almost doesn't matter now. We're on the path we're on. We won't find out the results for another 10 days.

By that time, I could potentially already have put back an embryo or two. I almost don't know what the point of testing is now, but I haven't done much research on the matter. I only know that it affects girls reproductive lifespan and it can cause mental retardation in boys. We don't have a history of mental retardation(that I'm aware of)in our family, so I'm hoping this isn't something to worry about.

Nice of him to bring this up now, huh?

Thanks for all of your encouragement, I really appreciate it!!!

**********************************************************************************

Small Update: Menopur has been increased to three vials a night. Hmmmmm...

Now I'm Out of Order

Ahhhh, this isn't going well...again.

I just had my first scan since starting the stims, and it's not good. Only 3 follicles are making their presence known. I was hoping for at least 5. I have one on my right and two on my left.

I'm to start taking Ganirelix in the mornings and keep up my 450 Follistim and 2 vials of Menopur. I go back in two days for another scan. I'm hoping to speak to NY RE and get his take on the situation Monday.

It goes without saying that I'm very disapointed, I'm torn between writing off this IVF (and all hopes of getting pregnant with my own eggs) and maintaining hope. I guess there's still some sort of chance that things could work out. M is working with the glass half full theory, I'm trying to join him. :)

Later, I'm off to spend my gorgeous Saturday in Central Park with friends.

Out of Order

I mean the posts, not my body -hopefully. LOL



That's a picture from lunch on Saturday, I had my final drink before IVF, a pomegranate margarita. M and I had a wonderful day in NYC, the weather was warm, and we took it easy -Drs. orders! We had lunch at a mexican restaurant in SOHO and strolled around for a while taking in the sites. If I had to live in NYC, I would definately want to live in SOHO (and so would everyone else! LOL)





My old college roomate met us for dinner and then introduced us to Pinkberrys, an outstandingly delicious frozen yogurt. I can't wait to go back and get more, I think I'm addicted! I don't know what I'm going to do when I have to go back to FL and can't get any.

Let the Games Begin!

I saw the RE on Monday for my post-op and got a thumbs up.

Today I had bloodwork and ultrasound. The nurse gave me instructions to take 450 Follistim and 2 vials of Menopur nightly until Saturday. Now that's a serious starting dose!

Hopefully I will be responding well when they check me out this weekend. :) Think good thoughts for me, this is where things have gone south in the past, so I'm nervous.

Hurdle One Down

So far so good. I had my Hystereoscopy this morning, and it was pleasantly uneventful.

I picked up M from Laguardia last night, it was so nice to see him again. We're going to try to enjoy the day tomorrow in the city, it's supposed to be warm!!!

Anyway, back to the Hystereoscopy...they did a wonderful job with my anesthesia, I had no issues when I woke up, I was alert and nausea free. I'm also in very little discomfort, most of my periods are wayyyy more painful than this. I haven't needed to take anything for it. :)

The really stupid thing is, I can't remember when NY RE told me to cease the BCP's. We discussed it the other day at the pre-op appointment and he went back and forth. Now I can't remember what was decided! Doh. I left a message this afternoon, but I probably won't get a call back until tomorrow. I will probably take it tonight just to be safe, but I think I'm supposed to stop. At the worst, I will be off by a day.

I go in on Monday for my post-op appointment and to get the green light for the really fun stuff. I'm nervous about giving myself injections, M has always been kind enough to do the dirty work, I just had to turn my head and exhale slowly. My college roomate has volunteered, so hopefully she can be my back up if I chicken out. I'm hoping I can put the big girl panties on though.

I'll update y'all soon!

Tea Party in New York

I finally got around to setting up my laptop, thank goodness for wireless modems!

So guess what I did last night?! I jumped on the subway and headed down to City Hall in Manhattan. I participated in my first political protest/rally! It was pretty cool, I'd guess anywhere from 5,000-10,000 people showed up for the Tax Day Tea Party. It was a very friendly crowd, but they were fired up about the state of our political affairs!

I stayed for about two hours, but the cold got to me and I left around 9:30, it took me forever to get back because the sidewalks were so blocked off, I had to walk around a few city blocks just to get back to the subway.

I really hope this grassroots movement makes it somewhere, I don't want my future (?) children to owe for what our politicians are doing now!