The Impatient Patient

The End

2010-01-27T22:44:00.004-05:00

I've neglected this place for many months, almost 9 months actually. Which brings me around to the reason for this post. I just reached the oh so exciting mile stone of my unfulfilled due date. You know, from that blip of a pregnancy I had back in May.

I'm sad to say, things haven't changed. No spontaneous pregnancies, no sudden windfalls allowing for unlimited rounds of IVF and no bundles of joy left mysteriously on my doorstep.

With no babies on the horizon and no immediate plans for aquiring one, I'm trying to put it out of my mind and muddle through this ridculously bad era of my life. With that said, I'm not planning on continuing this blog.

If you're reading this, I'd like to say thank you for your support and lots of luck with your family building.

Signing off.

Stephanie

When This No Longer Helps

2009-06-09T12:03:00.005-04:00

I'm not sure what to do, but I think I know what I'm going to do.

I've come to realize, at least for the moment, blogging isn't helping, it's hurting. Not the writing of the blog so much as the reading of blogs. Maybe it's that I'm no longer reading the right blogs and I need to find some new ones, but I'm not sure I have it in me to seek out what I'm missing.

Let me explain...

I took inventory of my google reader list, and a trend has revealed itself. Of the 23 blogs I read regularly...19 are pregnant or parenting. To further break it down, 7 are currently pregnant and 7 have given birth in the past 6 months-year. The remaining 5 have had children and two of those are trying for more. Only 4 blogs in my list have not conceived or given birth to living children and of those, two are actively trying. So... I'm in the company of two other primary infertiles still trying to get knocked up...out of 23.

Now can you see why blogging isn't really helping with the healing? LOL

I'm happy for all of the pregnancies, I'm not wishing anyone was NOT pregnant/parenting, but so many people are moving on and leaving me in the dust(one has even lapped me in the past two years!). Their posts no longer reflect my situation. In a sick twisted way, it was nice to be surrounded (if only in the blogosphere) by others fighting their way to parenthood. But now that I'm surrounded by pregnancy and baby posts, I feel all the more alone.

I recognize it's selfish and hypocritical, because if I had remained pregnant, I too would be leaving others behind and occasionally posting about the trials and tribulations of being knocked up. But I'm not pregnant and I am somewhat alone.

I just can't muster the appropriate level of enthusiasm to comment anymore. It's like being at a baby shower or picinic where everyone is sitting around chatting about their kids. It's just painful and awkward and I don't need that right now, know what I mean? I wish I was stronger or could pretend that I don't care, but I'm not and I can't. I need to take some time for myself and come to terms with this.

So, for now, I'm signing off. I want to thank you all for your support and wish everyone success with their family building. You're a great group of ladies, I really mean that. Perhaps I'll re-tool my blog when I have some clarity, but for now, I'm out.

Stephanie

Done

2009-05-28T11:56:00.004-04:00

The bleeding started on Friday and has finally tapered off -just spotting now. I didn't really expect it to go on as long as it did considering it was a chemical.

I spent Memorial Day weekend crying my eyes out, I was hurting physically (I really hate cramps) and emotionally. The feelings I have about all of this are so mixed. I'm grateful that I had those few day of pregnancy, it's more than I've ever had before. For a few days I was able to revel in the idea that I would be normal, and have a child.

M and I very quietly discussed the possibility of a future with a family of our own. It was nice, especially on our 7 year anniversary. It was the only thing we wanted, and for that day, we had it.

Of course now that it hasn't worked out, I feel like a huge loser. I know I shouldn't tie my self esteem to my infertility, but of course we all know that it doesn't work that way. I am trying to stay sane and move on, honest, but it might take some time. It's hard to be sociable when things suck so much.

I can't completely reconcile that it's over. I keep thinking there must be something else I can do. I'm not sure what that is, but for now we're taking it one day at a time.

Bleh

2009-05-19T19:01:00.003-04:00

It's not unexpected. My second beta is 14. Impressive isn't it?

I'm sorta thankful for such a low number, at least it doesn't leave any wiggle room for hope. A doubling number would have just put me into beta hell and I'm glad I'm not there. It also rules out an ectopic, as the numbers would have been higher for that.

Don't misunderstand, I wanted to stay pregnant, I want a baby that looks like M very much. He really deserves to be a father. I'm so sad that he can't have that, and I'm the reason.

I've had a good cry, but so far I'm not as upset as I thought I'd be. M is very sad that it didn't happen. He really thought it would and had a lot of hope. We've talked about the next step, but only a little.

For now, we're focusing on ourselves and living child free. I know I probably won't be satisified with this for long, but right now it sounds nice. M has cheered me up by talking about the places we'll go. He even suggested we move to Europe, ha ha (I would too!).

Eh

2009-05-18T20:53:00.004-04:00

Sorry for taking so long. It's not that I'm trying to be coy or keep good news from you, I haven't had any news to share.

I went for my beta on Saturday, and did that suck. I'm using stupid, stupid Labcorp and had to wait 2 hours for a 30 second blood draw. Since my RE is in NY, I have to have my lab results sent up and it's not efficient. Stupid, stupid Labcorp didn't even send the results until Monday, so here we are, 2 days later.

My first beta is...12

Yes, you read right, 12 at day 14.

Not good.

Pretty much doomed to fail.

Possibly ectopic.

Before I knew my results, I had to call the clinic in NY 3 times to have them fax a prescription for beta number 2 today. Of course, by the time this happened it was already 12pm so I don't have the results of today's beta yet. Stupid, stupid Labcorp was unable to get it together even though STAT was written across the prescription in big letters.

I know that there is *hope* but I don't have much of it. Even if the beta doubles, that's not enough really. A quadruple wouldn't really satisfy me either. It would need to be over 100 to keep my head in the game.

Hopefully I'll hear back tomorrow morning. I'll update when I know something.

Oh, and did I mention, I spotted a little today and my symptoms are rather non-existent.

Am I Dreaming?

2009-05-15T09:45:00.004-04:00

I know it's not easy to see, but there is definately a line! I can't really believe it. I tested yesterday morning 9dp3dt and had a faint, faint, faint line on a FRER. I wasn't sure if it was a positive, evaporation line, ghosting, etc even though I saw something within the 10 minute window. I tried to take a picture, but it's so faint that it's not visible.

I took another FRER and had better results in the afternoon, but also super faint. I went out and bought a Target brand test and it gave me a positive right away, so I'm pretty sure it's not just my imagination. ;)

I still can't believe I've gotten to this point. I've NEVER had a positive, EVER!

I took another FRER and Target test this morning. The FRER wasn't as dark as yesterday and the Target brand was the same. I'm trying not to obsess over the lightness/darkness of the lines. I know different tests can have different sensitivities and a line is a line.

My beta is tomorrow. I'm cautiously optomistic, but nervous of course. This is our last and only chance at a biological child, so I'm praying for a good outcome.

Thankyou to everyone who has been cheering me on!

Home Again at 7dp3dt

2009-05-12T12:44:00.003-04:00

Ahhhh, it's so good to be home. I can't believe I was away for a month!

Not much new with the waiting, I have symptoms, but we all know that they're meaningless. Oh, but nausea and adversions to smells on a plane is a good time, let me tell you.

I've taken two tests. The first was a super faint postitive from the HCG at 5dp3dt and the second was this morning. It was definately not positive.

I'm going with the every other day testing method, I think it's working for me. ;) I know I'm a Negative Nelly (no pun intended) but I'm not feeling it. I was hopeful the past few days, but today, not so much. I'm trying to prepare, thinking ahead to what this summer and what this year will be like.

Going Craaaazyyyy

2009-05-09T08:53:00.003-04:00

Today is 4dp 3dt aka day 7. It's my understanding that if implantation is to take place, it will happen about now. Are my embryos still alive? I have no idea.

I was doing well, until now. I have one week left until the beta and I don't know if I'll make it. Not that I have a choice, but the crazy thoughts are taking over. It's all I can think about, especially when I'm in between waking and sleep. Not fun.

I swing wildly from 'this couldn't possibly work, it's me after all' to 'I deserve this to work, and it will work'.

I'm at my parents house now, I just drove down with M from NY Thursday night. He went on down to FL without me and I will fly down on Monday. Roxy also went home with him too :) I know M doesn't love her, but I do.

So back to the crazy...I'm wrestling with the idea of POS to test out the HCG. I probably need to do that ASAP so I'll know what's going on should a + make an appearance, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not.

I'm thinking of ordering some tests online and having them shipped to my house in FL so I can test when I get back, but that wouldn't be until 7dp 3dt so I'll need to buy some at the drug store here.

Oh the craziness. I can't wait until I know one way or the other. I'm trying to prepare for bad news, that is the most likely outcome. Really.

100

2009-05-05T14:34:00.002-04:00

No, that's not how many embryos I put back. This is my 100th post. It's also cinco de mayo. And most importantly today is the most knocked up I've ever been. We put back two great embryos. The original weighed in at an outstanding 8 cell grade A. The second weighed in at a respectable 9 cell grade C.

M and I were prepared to put back all three(yikes) if the grading was poor and the RE allowed. Fortunately/unfortunately this was unnecessary. The third embryo arrested, leaving us with just the two. I'm pleased that they seem to be strong and that we didn't have to consider the third.

Of course now I'm beginning the dreaded 2WW-AKA-WUB. At least this time I have a prayer. Thanks for all of your kind thoughts, prayers, and support. Sadly the RE doing the transfer doesn't take pics, so not much to show and tell.

Triplets

2009-05-05T08:29:00.002-04:00

Sorry for the delay, M has taken over my machine for work.

So the fert report isn't spectacular, but it's okay. Originally only one egg fertilized on its own. I was a very sad infertile on Sunday. The nurse told me that had to break out ICSI on four more eggs and wouldn't know until Monday how many fertilized.

Fortunately I had two more, giving us triplets. ;) I don't know what to think, obviously my eggs are old and crusty, but there's still a chance that one or two, or three(?)could work out.

I go in today at 11 for the transfer, so wish us luck.

I'll udate with the details later today, promise!

SIX

2009-05-02T18:17:00.004-04:00

Hi guys,

Everything went very well. Amazingly enough, I had SIX eggs retrieved!!! Can you believe it? I surpassed my goal of five! Yayyy

Of course I don't know if they were all mature or of good quality. I won't find out the details until tomorrow. I'm hoping for at least three to fertilize and grow.

Honestly, the worst part of the retrieval was the IV, that sucker hurt and still does. I'm mildy crampy now, but otherwise good to go. Thank goodness for the Anesthesiologist!

After I was released, we went for brunch at Ihop and then to see Wolverine. It has been a nice relaxing day, now I'm parked on the couch watching TV.

I can hardly wait for news, but of course I'm nervous that it won't be good. My nightmare is that nothing will make it. I'm trying to block the negative thoughts and think that this *might* work. :)

I'll let you know how it goes.

Trigger

2009-04-30T13:31:00.004-04:00

I'm officially done with the stims as of last night. I took my morning shot of Ganerelix and will take the trigger sometime tonight. I'm still waiting to hear from the nurses for the exact moment.

My scan today gave some interesting new numbers. I really don't even know what to think of it, so I'm not thinking much at all. Ha ha

Righty: 21.5, and 13.5
Lefty: 28.5, 27, 17.5, 12.5, and 11. So we have two newcommers aboard?! I had a different nurse do the scan and she was much more thorough than the first few. She spent at least 3 or 4 minutes looking around and trying to get really good images.

I've jumped considerably in size, about 5mm in one day...that seems awfully fast to me, hopefully it doesn't hurt anything. I'm just hoping for something to work out on Saturday.

I go back in tomorrow for blood work only, so I'm pretty much in the dark until ER. I'll keep you posted. Thanks for all your words of encouragement, it really helps.

Day 8

2009-04-29T16:33:00.003-04:00

Today has been a ride.

I went to my latest checkup and things haven't progressed as I would have liked. I might be back to only three follicles to work with now.

The problem is, my lead follicles are getting too large and aren't giving the little one's time to catch up. I have some hard numbers to share with you guys today.

Righty has one follicle at 16mm and a pathetic little 11mm
Lefty has a 23mm, 22.5mm and a sad little 12mm

I saw a partner of NY RE and he broke it down for me. He confirmed that they would do the egg retrieval on Saturday. I didn't ask for my E2, I was a little freaked out after I heard the numbers and forgot.

The craziness came this afternoon. A nurse called to tell me to take the HCG trigger shot tonight! That would put egg retrieval on Friday. Ummm...okay, but M isn't going to be here yet. I was in a near panic when she told me all of this! I explained the situation to her, 'cause clearly she and the partner didn't know any of this.

She said she'd speak to the same RE who made the decision and call me back. Five minutes later she called and said it would be fine to push ER until Saturday. Of course that made me and M verrrry nervous. Obviously if the best outcome is to do the ER on Friday, then M would need to get up here asap.

Fortunately M decided to speak to our RE directly and get his take on the situation. NY RE said that after reviewing the information, he preferred a Saturday ER anyway. We are now breathing a bit easier, but I'm still a little nervous about the large follicles. I'm scared the big one's will be too big and the small, too small leaving me with just one! Oh well.

I'm still disapointed in our situation, but we won't know anything really for a few days. I'm trying to just relax and stay positive.

Day 7 of Stims

2009-04-28T12:54:00.006-04:00

Not much to report. I'm starting to get sore, it hurts to stand up and sit down, but it's not a big deal. I'm also starting to puff up a bit in the middle. I'm trying to eat well, lots of fruits, veggies, eggs, meat, salmon and water. I'm hoping the protein will give me healthy eggs!

I'm feeling a little more hopeful that this isn't an entire waste of time. I've googled many positive outcomes with just a few follicles, so it's not over yet.

Just because, I'm going to post some pics of my drugs :) I actually have two because I ordered my meds in two batches. I didn't want to be stuck holding thousands of dollars of pharmaceuticals if I was canceled. I'm so optomistic. Ha ha. My second (and final?) batch arrived this morning. I might have to order just a few more things if my retrieval is on Sunday, but I'm waiting until then.

Feast your eyes on the drugs...

I kinda wish I could have had them all together for dramatic effect. Oh well.

I'll update after tomorrows appointment.

Day 6 of Stims

2009-04-27T12:41:00.005-04:00

I just had my second sono and blood work. I'm happy to report that I've improved, if only slightly. I now have a grand total of four follicles over 10mm with another small one lagging behind.

So lefty is putting out three and righty has one plus another under 10mm. I spoke with NY RE and he was encouraging, but somewhat neutral on the situation. Obviously less than five follicles isn't stellar, but he said it could be worse. I could be older with less than five follicles. Sadly he didn't use his crystal ball to read my future.

He said my E2 numbers are nice and high, which could be good or bad. It could mean that my first three (and now fourth) follicles are growing like crazy and the others are lagging or it could mean that more follicles will soon appear. I'm hoping for more -I'm greedy like that :)

I haven't asked for specific numbers at this point and they haven't offered them. The clinic is efficient, but they don't hand hold. They don't even write down appointment times or dosage instructions for you unless you request it.

I think it might be better not to know the details, less to obsess about. I do know that my original three follicles were greater than 10mm (I think around 14mm)on Saturday and no other follicles were seen, but the tech wasn't trying too hard to look for smaller antral follicles. She spent all of 60 seconds looking around.

NY RE has put my retrieval date at either Saturday or Sunday. M is going to fly up this Friday. Yay.

Now for the annoying news.

The topic of Fragile X Syndrome was brought up...a little late in the game I might add. My mother entered menopause early, while in her late 30's and NY RE said that is an indicator for Fragile X. He is having me tested, but it almost doesn't matter now. We're on the path we're on. We won't find out the results for another 10 days.

By that time, I could potentially already have put back an embryo or two. I almost don't know what the point of testing is now, but I haven't done much research on the matter. I only know that it affects girls reproductive lifespan and it can cause mental retardation in boys. We don't have a history of mental retardation(that I'm aware of)in our family, so I'm hoping this isn't something to worry about.

Nice of him to bring this up now, huh?

Thanks for all of your encouragement, I really appreciate it!!!

**********************************************************************************

Small Update: Menopur has been increased to three vials a night. Hmmmmm...

Now I'm Out of Order

2009-04-25T10:59:00.003-04:00

Ahhhh, this isn't going well...again.

I just had my first scan since starting the stims, and it's not good. Only 3 follicles are making their presence known. I was hoping for at least 5. I have one on my right and two on my left.

I'm to start taking Ganirelix in the mornings and keep up my 450 Follistim and 2 vials of Menopur. I go back in two days for another scan. I'm hoping to speak to NY RE and get his take on the situation Monday.

It goes without saying that I'm very disapointed, I'm torn between writing off this IVF (and all hopes of getting pregnant with my own eggs) and maintaining hope. I guess there's still some sort of chance that things could work out. M is working with the glass half full theory, I'm trying to join him. :)

Later, I'm off to spend my gorgeous Saturday in Central Park with friends.

Out of Order

2009-04-22T14:38:00.006-04:00

I mean the posts, not my body -hopefully. LOL

That's a picture from lunch on Saturday, I had my final drink before IVF, a pomegranate margarita. M and I had a wonderful day in NYC, the weather was warm, and we took it easy -Drs. orders! We had lunch at a mexican restaurant in SOHO and strolled around for a while taking in the sites. If I had to live in NYC, I would definately want to live in SOHO (and so would everyone else! LOL)

My old college roomate met us for dinner and then introduced us to Pinkberrys, an outstandingly delicious frozen yogurt. I can't wait to go back and get more, I think I'm addicted! I don't know what I'm going to do when I have to go back to FL and can't get any.

Let the Games Begin!

2009-04-22T13:03:00.003-04:00

I saw the RE on Monday for my post-op and got a thumbs up.

Today I had bloodwork and ultrasound. The nurse gave me instructions to take 450 Follistim and 2 vials of Menopur nightly until Saturday. Now that's a serious starting dose!

Hopefully I will be responding well when they check me out this weekend. :) Think good thoughts for me, this is where things have gone south in the past, so I'm nervous.

Hurdle One Down

2009-04-17T19:25:00.002-04:00

So far so good. I had my Hystereoscopy this morning, and it was pleasantly uneventful.

I picked up M from Laguardia last night, it was so nice to see him again. We're going to try to enjoy the day tomorrow in the city, it's supposed to be warm!!!

Anyway, back to the Hystereoscopy...they did a wonderful job with my anesthesia, I had no issues when I woke up, I was alert and nausea free. I'm also in very little discomfort, most of my periods are wayyyy more painful than this. I haven't needed to take anything for it. :)

The really stupid thing is, I can't remember when NY RE told me to cease the BCP's. We discussed it the other day at the pre-op appointment and he went back and forth. Now I can't remember what was decided! Doh. I left a message this afternoon, but I probably won't get a call back until tomorrow. I will probably take it tonight just to be safe, but I think I'm supposed to stop. At the worst, I will be off by a day.

I go in on Monday for my post-op appointment and to get the green light for the really fun stuff. I'm nervous about giving myself injections, M has always been kind enough to do the dirty work, I just had to turn my head and exhale slowly. My college roomate has volunteered, so hopefully she can be my back up if I chicken out. I'm hoping I can put the big girl panties on though.

I'll update y'all soon!

Tea Party in New York

2009-04-16T13:54:00.005-04:00

I finally got around to setting up my laptop, thank goodness for wireless modems!

So guess what I did last night?! I jumped on the subway and headed down to City Hall in Manhattan. I participated in my first political protest/rally! It was pretty cool, I'd guess anywhere from 5,000-10,000 people showed up for the Tax Day Tea Party. It was a very friendly crowd, but they were fired up about the state of our political affairs!

I stayed for about two hours, but the cold got to me and I left around 9:30, it took me forever to get back because the sidewalks were so blocked off, I had to walk around a few city blocks just to get back to the subway.

I really hope this grassroots movement makes it somewhere, I don't want my future (?) children to owe for what our politicians are doing now!

Visiting the Cold

2009-04-13T12:43:00.005-04:00

Hey Peeps,

Sorry for the lapse in blogging, but it's hard to blog and drive at the same time. I successfully navigated the first portion of my trip, the 15 hour drive to my parents house in MD, arriving late Saturday evening.

I had a wonderful Easter Sunday with my family (hope you did too!) with one minor exception. Yep you guessed it, my much younger cousin is pregnant. To make it worse (at least for me), she got married on my wedding anniversary last May and is pregnant already, as in less than a year later, and she's only 23 or something, so I thought I had time...Ha. I got up and left the table when the discussion turned to the sex of her baby, just too depressing (again, for me).

Okay, so other than that, Easter was nice, lots of good food, an Easter egg hunt, desserts. Roxy the crazy dog is having a good time with everyone and will hopefully be okay with staying here for a few weeks.

Tomorrow I'm going to drive the final portion of the trip, 5 hours to NY! Yayy, I'm kinda excited to go and even more excited to get this over with. I know it's not cool, but I don't have a lot of hope for IVF-2 to work out. I'm hopeful that it will, but not really expecting it to, you know what I mean? I don't know what my odds are, but I'm guessing they're not in my favor.

For any readers living in the South, it's freaking cold up here! I can't believe the temperature is still in the 50's or lower. I hope NY warms up, I don't want to spend the whole visit shivering.

Sorry for the disjointed post, I'm also sorry my commenting is few and far between, hopefully when I get settled in I'll have my laptop up and running. For now I'm blog reading from my Iphone. :)

Finished For Now!

2009-04-06T12:12:00.004-04:00

OMG, that was grueling. I knew it was going to be challenging, but the combination of two long days of testing and the stress of time limits was more than I expected. I was physically and mentally exhausted, even yesterday. I really felt the need to cry with relief afterwards, but I managed to hold it together. I'm such a wimp! LOL

The first multiple choice test went fairly well. The second, um, maybe not so well. I didn't study contracts as much as I should've. I was surprised at how the test questions were chosen, I expected a lot more material to be covered, instead, the scope was fairly limited, making it likely that I didn't do well. I studied everything, but nothing too in depth.

The next day was intense, 7 hours of testing. I feel like I may have done well, at least I really hope so, 'cause I don't want to do that again!

I was really stressing about getting the floor plan laid out properly (which I didn't completely do) but I finished everything with just seconds to spare! I know of a few mistakes that I made, it's just a matter of how many points are deducted for them, plus how many I'm unaware of.

I do feel that I did well on the elevation and section portion of the practicum -for anyone who knows about architectural drawings. I'm still wondering if I used the right type of lighting fixtures in my lighting plan...incandescent recessed vs. fluorescent recessed. Stupid, I know. I keep going over everything.

I probably won't know my results until July, they say it takes 14 weeks. Isn't that insane?!

Hopefully I'll be distracted with other great goings on in my life. :)

I'm going to NY in a week!

Breathe, It'll Be Over Soon!

2009-03-31T13:28:00.004-04:00

I'm still here. I'm trying to stay calm, because my test is in 3 days!!! I'm semi-prepared, but not awesomely prepared. Maybe I can become a little more awesome in the next two days?

To keep myself reasonably calm, I've given myself permission to fail one of the three sections. Horrible isn't it? But it helps. I want to pass the whole thing, but I'll go easy on myself if I don't.

The first two sections, given on the first day are multiple choice, but tricky. I'm hoping to pass those, as that's what I'm mostly studying for.

The third section and second day of the test is the practicum. It involves problem solving a floor plan and drawing it out, as well as doing details, and other fun stuff I won't bore you with. While it's possible to practice for that, I haven't put in much time, so I'm looking at that part as a trial run for the fall when I take it again.

Wish me luck!

(At least it's distracting me from all the baby making stuff...ha ha ha)

Study, Study, Study?!

2009-03-26T16:05:00.004-04:00

My exam is a week away tomorrow! I've been trying to study regularly for the past few months, but now it's crunch time. I forgot what it's like to force so much (often trivial) information in my head.

Otherwise, I'm trying to remain calm and patient for mid April. I'm going to have to start a list for packing, otherwise I'm going to drive myself crazy with all of the random thoughts about going to NY.

BTW, does anyone put much stock in the high protein low carb diet for IVF? Just curious.

This is totally unrelated to all things IF, but I just had to post this bit of common sense politics. Daniel Hannan may be my new hero. I don't know how to imbed a youtube video directly. :(

It's a Go!

2009-03-18T14:36:00.006-04:00

I don't know if a girl could be looking forward to surgical procedure than I am!? LOL

I am officially scheduled for my Polypectomy on Friday, April 17th. I need to be in NY on Wednesday the 15th for the pre-op visit, so I'll possibly be in NY for a total of four weeks if all goes well.

Due to the change of plans and the length of time I'll be away, I've decided that I'm going to drive up to NY. It'll be easier on me if I have a car and I don't have to worry about plane tickets and timing etc.

So the new plan goes like this: I'll drive up to Maryland Saturday April 11th, stay through Easter and drop off one of our dogs. Roxy's our 2 year old stubborn dalmation-mix. She's super sweet, but a little intense and adverse to training (I trained our Husky mix with no problems). No one down here wants to dog sit her while M and I are both out of town. No one except my uncle in MD -he really likes her, and who am I to keep them apart. :) M is hoping that this will become a permanent arangement, but I'm not so sure.

Yes, that's what Roxy did to one of my favorite shoes when I came home from work late, too bad she didn't give me a matching pair.

Anyway, I'll finish the trip to NY and then either M or my Mom will come up for the Laporoscopy. I'm not sure if I'll stay with my friends at that point, or if we'll get a hotel room. But after the surgery, I'm definitely staying with my former college roomates. That's going to be fun, so I have something to look forward to.

When the time is right, M will fly up and I guess we'll get a hotel for retrieval etc. Then we'll drive back home together, hopefully making a stop in MD (to pick up Roxy?) and then again in Savannah, GA. At least that's what I'm thinking right now. M is worried that I shouldn't drive such a long distance, I don't think it should be a big deal, as long as NY-RE says it's okay.

Sorry, that was a boring, rambling post about nothing.

Good News!

2009-03-16T15:22:00.004-04:00

I heard back from Emily this morning. She's so nice, have I mentioned that? She wanted to know how the visit with my gynecologist went and if they'd do the surgery. I filled her in, but told her that M and I might want to skip all the stuff down here in Florida and just take care of business in NY.

I don't know if I've mentioned, but M is in charge of this IVF cycle (I was in charge of most of the past decisions with IVF-1 and now it's his turn...this is how we decided to resolve our differences about this mess because we're both stubborn!). So he voted that we move everything up North, including the surgery.

I was very apprehensive about this plan (and let M know it!), it seemed to be a lot of trouble (for me), but after speaking with Emily and the NY-RE, it's making so much more sense.

You know how I had my panties in a bunch over the surgery/IVF-2 timeline dragging out? Well NY-RE put my mind at ease, there will be no waiting between the surgery and IVF-2!!! Can I get a hell yeah?! Don't worry, I asked repeatedly, and he said that it shouldn't be a problem, as long as there aren't any complications.

I'm waiting for the surgical nurse to call about scheduling the Hysteroscopy, but he said he could possibly do it Friday, April 17 when he gets back from vay-cay. He would then check me out on Monday and give me the go ahead for stims that same week! That would put me at retrieval around the first week of May. Only a few weeks behind schedule, not bad, and I won't have to worry about co-ordinating all the different Dr's, I'll just stay in NY for three weeks instead of two.

So here is the bad news, 'cause it couldn't all be good. I would miss my friends wedding reception and be unable to make her wedding cake. I might know someone who could step in and fill my shoes, but of course that's up to my friend. I feel horrible to do this to her, but I know she'll understand. But still.

Delayed Until???

2009-03-13T14:03:00.004-04:00

It's official, IVF-2 is being delayed. I spoke with Emily and she confirmed what I already knew, that I won't be able to stick to the schedule.

I had my follow up breast exam with my ARNP gynecologist today, which was the perfect setting for grilling her about doing the Hysteroscopy/Polypectomy. I think she got the picture that I'm not happy with their views (it's not medically necessary -ha) about doing the Saline Sonohysterogram. I asked if they would be willing to do the Hysteroscopy/Polypectomy since it's now clear I have a medical need for that. She said they would.

I now have a surgical consult scheduled for April 1 with a Dr. in the practice. I don't want to wait nearly 3 weeks just for the consult!

I am so frustrated and dissapointed by all of this. Not surprised, just frustrated. I had finally geared up for this, and now I have to wait for who knows how long.

Emily is going to speak with the RE and get some more information from him and pass it on to me later today or Monday. Not sure what's going to happen, but it looks like IVF-2 might not happen until May or June.

Polyps=Fun

2009-03-12T15:00:00.005-04:00

I survived the Saline Sonohysterogram! It wasn't nearly as bad as I feared it would be. It was similar to an IUI, but maybe a touch more cramping. I'm still feeling the effects now, but it's not too bad. I took the advice found on Stirrup Queens blog and took two advil beforehand.

I ended up going to the radiology clinic instead of my gynecologist. When I spoke to the gynecologists nurse, she informed me that I would have to pay out of pocket, as it's related to IF...blah, blah, blah. When I called up the radiology clinic, they were much more cooperative and were going to let insurance pick up the tab.

The tech that did the wanding was awesome, she has plenty of experience doing Sonohysterograms and let the marketing department of the clinic know that the yahoos answering the phone (I told her that I was nervous because they didn't even know what a Sonohysterogram was when I called to make the appointment) aren't on top of things.

She was also impressed with my wanding experience. She was having a hard time finding my left ovary, so I offered to press down on it for her. She started laughing and shared with the other tech. Ahhhh...funny yet a little sad.

Now for the bad news. I failed the test, I have more polyps. She and the Dr. saw at least three polyps while they were poking around. I'm still waiting to hear back from Emily in NY to find out what will happen next. Obviously the polyps have to come out first which most likely means there is a hysteroscopy in my future (where, I don't know).

I'm hoping that I won't have to postpone the IVF if I can get the polyps removed in a timely manner, but I don't know how likely that is. I also don't know if they require a waiting period before proceeding with IVF afterwards. I hope it's minimal, as I don't want to grow more polyps while I'm waiting!

Did I mention I just bought the plane tickets for NY yesterday? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Almost Changed My Mind

2009-03-06T17:14:00.002-05:00

Whew, that was close.

I went to my CD3 scan today. Other than the annoying 45 min wait and having to explain my situation to everyone (using a different RE), it went fine. After it was over, I marched directly next door to try to persuade my gyn-y to do the saline-sonohystogram instead of making me go to some skeevy clinic that may or may not know how to do that sono-thingy-ma-bob, what was it called again?

Instead of being directly turned away by the staff (as I was by phone), I was allowed to write my request on a walk-in triage form which was handed to my gyn-y. I was then told to wait for a call from her to discuss the situation. Unfortunately, I missed her phone call today (my Iphone is acting up), so I'm going to have to call her back on Monday. But there is hope.

Anyway, for some reason I started to majorly freak out about the scheduling of the IVF-2 -as it almost conflicts with that stupid licensing test I signed up for. I actually did tell Emily that I thought it best to wait another cycle but then changed my mind back. I'm sure she thinks I'm crazy.

Hopefully it will all work out, I'll just be on bcp's longer than normal, about 24 days which means two packs. My main concern is just being able to concentrate on studying and taking the test with the IVF-2 underway. If everthing goes well, I'll start stimming the day before the exam.

Keeping with this schedule also allows me to be back in town for my friends wedding reception. I told my friend that I'd make her wedding cake and I would feel horrible if I backed out. In case you're wondering, I've never made a wedding cake, or any super fancy cake for that matter. LOL But, I've done a considerable amount of research and preparation for the feat.

I'll blog about the cake making soon. :)

Buying Drugs and Severing Ties

2009-03-05T18:38:00.003-05:00

I bought drugs today, but not all of them! Thanks to Kym and her friend Kimmy, I was hooked up with 6 menopur!!! AWESOME...thanks again for being so generous and donating unused meds, it really helps.

So today is officially CD1 and I'm going in for my CD3 scan tomorrow. I'm sure you've noticed that tomorrow is really CD2...I've been reassured that it's cool to go a day early (my local clinic doesn't want to see me on Saturday).

On a different topic...

Today I dropped of the few items that my former friend, K left at my house. I stopped by her office and left everything, including a card and note with the receptionist. While I was there, I saw a co-worker of K's that I had met at K's bridal shower and wedding, she was very pleasant when she saw me. She chatted with me and told me that K is expecting a boy and what his name will be.

Surprisingly, this didn't really bother me much. I feel a sense of relief to have put this behind me. Thanks for all of your advice and support, hopefully this is the end of the drama :)

Sticker Shock

2009-03-04T13:37:00.003-05:00

In yesterdays post, I called my IVF coordinator Kim, but that's the name of my local coordinator, my NY coordinators name is Emily. Ooops. Anyway, Emily called me back and we talked dates etc. I explained the situation and she said that I could stay on bcp for 25 days to allow for test taking. :)

I'm not overly excited about the length of time I'll have to be on the pill (the pill usually makes me feel like complete shit) but it's better than waiting another cycle.

So today, Emily called me again to say that she talked to Kim and my local office doesn't do the Salinesongogram, I didn't even ask why. Now I have to make a seperate appointment for that at a radiologists office. The thing is, when I called around, the outpatient clinics don't often perform this procedure, so now I'm nervous about the quality of care they will provide. I'm going to call Emily tomorrow and see what she recommends.

She also gave me a list of my meds and called it in to Freed.om Pharmacy for me. I asked her if I had to use them or if I could call around. She seemed surprised that I would want to take the time, but she said sure.

Now for the sticker shock...I called Freed.om Pharmacy to find out the total...OMG, I think my heart may have stopped for a second. They quoted $8000. Maybe compared to some of your cycles out there, it's not so bad, but I was expecting around $5,000 (still too high IMO).

Fortunately I had my quotes from the last IVF and started calling around to all of the major pharmacies. So far the best quote has come from The Apoth.ecary Shop at about $5,000. Much more reasonable which is why I used them last time too.

I also just rememberd the stash of leftover IVF-1 drugs I had in my bedroom closet! I have four of the five ganirelix and a few menopur! Hopefully I'll make it far enough to need it this time. ;) If only my follistim hadn't already expired...

Scheduling Conflict

2009-03-03T14:01:00.003-05:00

I just spoke with my IVF coordinator, Kim in NY today. I woke up this morning with some spotting, so AF is just around the corner. I wanted to let her know, and find out about getting my bcp prescription and discuss protocol/timeline.

According to the information they sent in the mail, I would be on bcp anywhere from 14-28 days. I've always had it in my head that I'd take it for the full 28 and then begin stims. Well today, she said I'd take it for 10 days!!!

Whoa, 10 days is not long at all, I could possibly be stimming in 14-16 days if we stick to that time line. I'm all for getting things overwith, but this could cause some unexpected scheduling conflicts.

I'm going to stay with friends in NY for most of the monitoring and probably stay at a hotel with M when he comes up for the retrieval. I'm sure everything will work out fine with that, no biggie, I just wasn't planning to go to NY in March.

The most troublesome is this would put me out of town during the time I'm to sit for my Interior Design license. If the test was offered more often, I'd just take it the next time, but it only comes around twice a year. So if I don't sit for it in April, I won't be able to take it again until October. Not to mention that I've already put in over $700 to take it and I won't get a full refund if I reschedule.

I'm waiting for Kim to call me back, she said she'd set up the schedule and give me the info for my meds. I hope it's not a big deal, but I'm going to ask her if I can stay on bcp for 25 days so that I can take the test.

I'd hate to postpone IVF another month, I'm ready to get this over with now!!!

Simplified Goodbye

2009-03-02T10:04:00.003-05:00

Thanks for listening to me rant about that mess. It's amazing what posting here does to give some perspective. Of course it's even more amazing to get feedback, something that is very appreciated in situations like this. You have helped me more than you know.

Taking into consideration your comments, I re-wrote my letter to K. I took out all of the accusatory, angry bitchiness (it felt so good to write all of that down!) and simplified it to a simple goodbye.

K,

I hope this letter finds you, J and the baby well.

The sudden ending of our friendship was an outcome I never could have imagined, but I hope it has allowed you to find the true happiness and support you needed. I want to let you know that I hope you find peace with the situation if you haven’t already.

I wish you, J and the baby a wonderful and happy life together.

Goodbye.

-Stephanie

But in all honesty, I'm not sure I need to send it after all. I might, just because I do want to return a few of her items that are in my possesion. So, do you think this letter is the better way to go?

BTW, I've been blogging a year now! Woohoo.

I can't believe it's March already!!! Just a few more weeks to go.

Friendship Closure?

2009-03-01T11:35:00.005-05:00

Okay, I have a question for you ladies out there. You remember the best friend saga. Well, it's been bothering me for quite some time and I want to put it behind me. I'm just not sure if it's selfish on my part to contact her and officially say goodbye, but I'm seriously considering it.

If I do, I plan on sending her a letter (see below), congratulatory baby card, a small baby gift and call it done.

K,

When you said “I need to surround myself with real happiness right now” I didn’t think you would just drop a long time friend. I’m not sure the real reason, but I have a few theories...

Perhaps you feel embarrased about what happened and don’t know how to talk to me?

Perhaps you are angry that I couldn’t completely ignore my own feelings of “desperation” as you call them and pretend that your poorly delivered news was the best day ever?

Perhaps you just don’t want my infertility to taint your pregnancy and you don’t want to have to consider someone else’s feelings?

Whichever it is, all though I am curious, it’s more or less destroyed what friendship we had. I don’t really get why you would feel the need to go this route, I made it clear that I am happy for you and J and that I wasn’t asking for this dramatic severing of a friendship. I just wanted some consideration during a difficult time in my life, just as you deserve support (even if it couldn't always be from me) during an exciting time in yours. But hey, whatever.

For what it’s worth, I’m trying to forgive you for what happened and let this all go so that I can move forward without too much emotional baggage. I hope you can do the same and that you J and the baby have a happy and healthy life together.

Since it appears that we won’t be getting together any time soon and I never got your new address, I figured dropping this off with J at work would be the best way to close this chapter. So here's the dish and fingernail polish you left at my house as well as the book I borrowed.

Good luck and best wishes!

Your old friend,

Stephanie

P.S. Not that you care, but it’s bothered me how you viewed my “time spent reading blogs and researching” as a negative. Thank God *I* blog and have the support of people who ‘get it’ in place to deal with situations like this! Maybe now that you are expecting you might see how valuable it is to do a little research and have friends who understand exactly what you’re going through?! Just saying.

So, what do you think? Selfish and obnoxious, or honest and deserved? I am still clearly hurt and angry, but maybe it's not right to share that with her? I would really like to have this behind me before starting IVF 2 next month and I think this *might* be the best way.

Because I would be dropping this off with her husband, I'd have him read the letter and make the call about giving it to her. I honestly don't want to upset her in anyway that would affect her health.

Sorry to bring this up time and again, but it's really been a difficult situation for me to resolve. I feel so much guilt for being the sucky infertile friend, but also so much anger that K wasn't able to handle this in a more mature manner.

Thanks for playing along. :)

Waiting and Fidgeting

2009-02-18T15:31:00.003-05:00

Sighhhh...

I'm a nervous ball of energy about this upcoming cycle. I'm about half way through this month (so now would be the time for a hail mary pregnancy -LOL) which means I should start BCP in two weeks. The month of BCP's isn't very exciting, but I'm looking forward to doing something active again.

I've recieved all of my test results and everything is A-okay, so I'm good to go. I called the nurse in NY to request a prescription for M's blood work, and then we'll both be done.

We've filled out our paperwork that goes over the legal issues of IVF. Like if we want to store any extra embryos (yes), what we would do in the case of a divorce (I get the embryos), that we understand there are no guarantees (duh). Now we just need to have the paper work notarized and mail it back.

I almost forgot how it feels to cycle...wishing for time to speed up.

Thanks for all of your support!!!

All Clear

2009-02-09T12:01:00.003-05:00

I just finished up with my first mammogram! For whatever reason, I thought that the stories of having your boobs smashed between a vice were exagerations. Um, no. It's a very accurate description. But for what it's worth, it was a nice change to need to undress from the waist up!

I'm sure you've guessed from the title, I'm breast-cancer free, and even more surpising, cyst free. Apparently I'm just "lumpy". :) I don't know how this lump went unnoticed for so many years? (by me or my Drs.), but it's nothing.

Yayyyyy!!!

So I guess I'm still on track for IVF to begin in a month.

On a very sucky note, my 16 year old cousin got his 16 year old girlfriend pregnant. My family just found out and of course everyone is in shock. I'm less upset for me and more upset for them. Clearly they've been stupid and don't have a clue. I'm hoping that adoption is strongly considered for ALL involved.

Bump in the Road

2009-02-06T11:17:00.004-05:00

Thanks for your warm thoughts, it's much appreciated.

So there's a little bump...in my right breast. I went into the gyn-y yesterday for my yearly pap. The ARNP that I see was doing my breast exam and found a small lump so I'm off for my first mammogram/breast sonogram on Monday. Woohoo.

I'm not overly worried, the lump moves around, and cancerous lumps don't, or so I've read. I'm betting that it's a cyst and hoping it will go away on its own, perhaps after I start my period in a few days. I just hope this isn't something that will get in the way of the IVF.

On a more positive note, I had all of my blood work taken care of yesterday for the IVF, 8 vials worth! I'm happy to have that all out of the way now.

Now I just have to figure out where M should go for his blood work. I don't know if I should just call our GP or if I should call the NY RE and have orders sent so that he can just go to a lab.

Oh, and even better news, I don't need an HSG!!! I misunderstood the RE over the phone, he was saying that I need a saline-sonohysterogram. I thought it was odd that he would order and HSG for IVF, so this makes much more sense.

So far the NY RE and his staff have been great. I had a question after the consultation, so I called the office. I was just hoping a nurse could tell me if the RE had handled the next step or if I needed to get the ball rolling. She took the message and the actual RE called me back to say that balls are rolling! I was more than shocked, it was a simple question and most likely a nurse could've handled it.

I guess I should mention that M and I have made a decision about when to go forward with the IVF. We're going to wait a month, it just makes more sense than starting next week. So that puts our estimated start of BCP's in early March and if I make it to retrieval that would be mid April. Almost exactly a year after the first IVF.

I think that sums up the latest and greatest.

Sad For Me and My Family

2009-02-02T22:03:00.004-05:00

My uncle and friend is gone, I just got back from his funeral. I don't even know how to feel, it doesn't seem real and I'm trying hard not to let it hit me all at once. I'm grateful that he isn't suffering any longer, but of course I want him back, alive and well. 37 is ridiculously young to die of a stupid, random disease.

First Consultation Completed

2009-01-26T20:52:00.005-05:00

Whew.

We had our first consultation with the NY Dr. this evening. It went rather smoothly, only 30 minutes behind schedule. ;) That's pretty impressive actually!

I printed out the questions I listed on my last entry and had them ready for him, although I didn't ask him every single one. But here is a run down of his answers:

Do you think my FSH is too high for IVF? He practically scoffed at that. He considers my high of 11 to be in the "grey" area and still completely acceptable. He treats patients with FSH in the 20's! Whew, sigh of relief.
Is there any testing to determine my most likely outcome, Clomid challenge test or Inhibin B testing? No, they are predictive, but he said he's seen enough people do poorly and still succeed, so he wouldn't bother. IVF is the real test.
Do you believe in doing an antral follicle count before proceeding with IVF? Yes, he likes to see an antral follicle count. He said it gives him a heads up on how much medicine to give, but that he wouldn't cancel based on the count alone.
What do you think of my poor response to Follistim/Menopur (especially since it was no better than my cycles with Clomid or Femara)? He advised trying more drugs, that will be the best indicator of my fertility. If I don't respond, well then I have serious issues. I didn't ask him this directly, he answered it on his own.
Would you be more aggressive with the same drugs or recommend a new treatment? He said he'd stick to the same, just up the dosage. The same thing my local RE was planning actually. He seemed pleased with the information from my last IVF so I guess it wasn't a total waste.
Would you recommend doing a microflare protocol, estrogen priming protocol, or an antagonist protocol? He recommended the antagonist, which I believe is the same as before. He said the microflare is the last ditch effort and hopefully it won't come to that. He didn't seem to be behind the estrogen priming protocol, it sounds like it's not something he's done before, or at least not often.
Will I need to spend the entire treatment in NY ? The Dr. said he's comfortable with having my local RE do all of the monitoring and I can just come up for the retrieval/transfer or whatever combination works for us. I just wonder if the local RE's are down with that or not?! I know some of you have experience with the multi-clinic scenario, any advice?

The Dr. also recommend that I have an HSG to rule out any polyps that could have developed since my laparoscopy...bleh, from what I've read, they're no picnic. M and I also have to have all of our screening labs done again since it's almost been a year and they're required by the state.

M wants to start ASAP, but next month seems too soon to me. I haven't had enough time to process the idea but I guess I could be back on the cycling bandwagon again -soon.

More on Medical Records

2009-01-22T16:34:00.004-05:00

The medical record saga continues (and hopefully concludes)...

I went up to MD for a long weekend to visit family* (can you say freeeeeezing!) and returned late Monday night. I was really hoping to have my medical records from my local RE show up in my mailbox (as was agreed upon) Tuesday, but instead I got a phone call at 3:55 pm letting me know they're ready for pick up. Of course they lock the doors at 4:00 pm, and wouldn't open them for me if I drove over straight away. Grrrr.

Anyway, I picked them up yesterday and thankfully decided to double check them while I was still in the office. It's a good thing I did, because they neglected to include any of the Drs. chart- notes, all I had were lab results and a drawing of my uterus from the mock transfer! Niiiice.

On the bright side, they printed out my charts at no cost and I've mailed off all 54 pages of my IF medical history. The New York office should have it by Saturday, in time for Mondays consult. :)

Of course I poured over the most recent information and the reality of my situation came back to me with a side of hopelessness. "Mini-stim IVF cancelled due to less than expected response of 2-3 dominant follicles. Day 3 FSH 9.9. She and husband have no other complaints or issues." Gahhh, it sucks to see it in black and white!

I'm just going to keep moving forward until I hit a wall, it shouldn't take long LOL. I guess I need to figure out what questions I want to ask the new Dr.

Here's what I've come up with so far:

Do you think my FSH is too high for IVF to work (aka, am I a lost cause)?

What is the cut off point for you/your clinic?

Is there any testing that can be done to determine my most likely outcome (do you have a crystal ball)? Clomid challenge test perhaps or more FSH testing?

Do you believe in doing an antral follicle count before proceeding with IVF (would it have saved me from doing my unsuccessful mini-stim)?

What do you think of my poor response to Follistim/Menopur (especially since it was no better than my cycles with clomid or femara)?

Would you be more aggressive with the same drugs or recommend a new protocol?

Do you think my main fertility issue is endometriosis or low ovarian reserve or both?

Do you have a strong opinion about treating endometriosis with GnRH before proceeding with IVF?

Would you recommend doing a flare protocol or antagonist protocol

Any suggestions?!

*My uncle is not doing well at all. I hate so much that he has cancer, it's such a fucking miserable way to die.

Annoyance Subsiding

2009-01-14T18:57:00.003-05:00

I finally heard back from my local RE's office. The woman who called me was very sweet and apologized for turning me into a stalker. She said that the woman who handles the medical records is no longer there. I guess that explains a few things.

Anyway, I faxed in a formal request for my records and should hopefully have them by next week. That will give me just enough time to make copies and mail them off to NY along with all of the forms the new RE needs.

I guess I need to start working on a list of questions to ask the new Dr. when I speak to him. First and foremost on my list will be questions about my egg quality and his opinion about even going forward with IVF. I would like to have a few more tests to help determine if I do have low ovarian reserve/poor egg quality or not.

I know it's probably unlikely, but I still wonder if my high FSH could have been caused by the accupuncturist. It seems so strange that my FSH suddenly spiked as I started the treatment that I really disliked.

I guess we'll see what he says in two weeks!

Annoyance

2009-01-13T14:50:00.003-05:00

We have a phone consultation scheduled for the end of the month with a new RE in NY.

Yayyy?!

Of course I need to gather all of my records from the local Drs. office. I called last Monday and left a message on the record departments v-mail, several days go by and nothing. I called Thursday afternoon and they'd switched over the phones early, so again nada. Grrrr. I called and left a message again Friday morning, zip. I called and left a message again this Monday (yesterday), still nothing. I called again today and pushed zero to talk to a real human being, she had me leave another message for the records department. In case you've lost count, that's 5 phone calls and 4 messages over the course of 9 days and as of 4pm today I still haven't had a returned call.

I hate when Drs. offices put the patient in the awkward position of stalking them to get results!!!

The office staff sure is making it easy to move on to a new RE! I don't know if it's because I'm no longer an active patient, or because medical records are low priority, but it's pissing me off! M wants me to go to the office in person to get my records...it might make an impression, ha ha. Probably not a good one though. ;)

Does anyone else have this much trouble communicating with their RE's staff?

600 IU of Follistim Anyone?

2009-01-13T12:51:00.007-05:00

I was poking around in my fridge today and decided to have a peak at my stash sitting in the deli drawer. I opened up the Ziploc bag where my Follistim has been chillin' and looked over the expiration date. To my horror, the 600 IU pack expires this month!!!

So...that means I'm giving away a 600 IU cartridge of Follistim to anyone who wants to claim it. Please realize that the expiration is 1/2009 so I recommend that you use it ASAP, if you're cycling now this is for you! I live in Orlando, Fl, the closer you are to me, the better! Put the word out :)

Please let me know by this Friday, as I am heading out of town to visit family.

Getting Back on the Horse

2009-01-09T16:21:00.002-05:00

Okay, so I haven't kept my New Years resolution to blog frequently. I'll try to post at least once a week, that seems like a reasonable goal. :)

I guess it's mostly that my life isn't very interesting these days. I'm not sure that it ever was, but at least I had IF treatment to share. Since I haven't been to the RE since about May 2008 I haven't had much to blog about.

My job prospects aren't looking any better, the company that I was going to interview with has layed off a majority of their employees, so I'm not expecting an interview anytime soon. I've come to basically accept that I'm going to be (very) underemployed for probably the next year or so. Maybe longer if Obama goes through with the "bail out"/government expansion.

Hopefully M and I will be able to survive reasonably well on our 1 and a 1/4 salaries until things turn around. It really makes me wonder if it's irresponsible to keep trying to build a family with the state of the economy as it is. M doesn't want that to stop us, and I think he's probably right. It will eventually pass and we will be okay.

So I guess I should share how we would proceed with the IF situation, seeing as how we aren't exactly rolling in $. M finally announced what everyone in his family has been gossiping about for some time. He told his grandparents (and everyone else) that we will probably need to do IVF to have children. Gasp!

His grandparents have generously offered to spot us the obscene amount of money required for said IVF. They want more great-grandchildren, especially from their only grandson that could carry on their name. No pressure or anything.

That said, we *might* try this spring sometime. I'm still somewhat ambivilant about the whole thing. I'm slightly excited, but mostly apprehensive about what it all means. I hate that his family is now so involved. I don't know if they'll be chill about it, or expect a play by play. If it fails, I'll probably feel horribly guilty. Both for letting them down (again) in the baby making department, but also if we waste their money on an unsuccessful attempt. That would just plain suck.

I've basically taken a somewhat detatched position on this for now. I'm letting M do most of the decision making. I hate that when we fight about things, it's usually about the stupid decisions I've made and how he would have made the "right" decision (like buying a house sooner or choosing a different neighborhood, or not adopting the dog we did, etc).

So...he feels like this is the thing to do, and I don't want to hear how I made the wrong decision by not doing IVF now when we have the option. Also, he doesn't want to use the Drs. in Orlando, so again, I'm not going to fight it, I'll go to NY and see the Dr. he chooses. It's his turn to be in charge of this, so I'm going with the flow.

Hello 2009!

2009-01-01T22:37:00.004-05:00

Happy New Year to everyone out there in blog land. I know I've been missing for quite some time, sorry about that. So for a New Year's resolution, I'm going to try to return to blogging with some frequency again.

I'm also going to try to have a better outlook on things. I've allowed some of the situations outside of my control really affect the way I see myself, and not for the better. Namely the best-friend saga. Nothing more has come of that and it really pisses me off. It's too late, even if she decides to apologize etc. the friendship has been ruined. So...I'm going to let it go and move on.

Happily, I am filling that void. It's not easily done of course, but I've become closer with some friends in Orlando, and I've met some new friends through M. One is even a former IF so she gets it. What a relief to hang with someone who does. BTW, Barb, we should try to get together sometime ;)

The holidays have been good, M has had some time off from work and it's been wonderful to hang out with him. Last night was fun, we went to two parties and have been recovering on our sofa all day. I made our traditional New Years dinner, collard greens, blackeyed peas, and pulled pork. I guess our time in Savannah has made an impression lol.

I'm really hoping that 2009 is an improvement on 2008. I can honestly say that 2008 was probably my worst year ever.

I'm not sure what to expect in the way of IF. I've come to the realization that I'm not going to spontaneously become pregnant, so there is no longer any hopefulness each month. There is a strange relieft that comes with that, so it's not entirely bad.

That said, M still wants to have a go with IVF. I don't really know how I feel about that. Part of me still likes the idea of trying and having a baby. The other part of me doesn't want to deal with the rollercoaster and probable dark place that I will end up in. I really don't have too much confidence in my body's ability to get pregnant anymore.

Even though it could really suck, I'm willing to do it. I want to satisfy my curiosity and give it a chance, because you never know. But mostly I want to do it for M. He wants this so badly and thinks it will work. I can't deny him this after the last three years of trying.

Well...this has been a random post, not my most cohesive, but you'll have to forgive me as I'm very rusty. I promise to get better...I'm already feeling better as I'm typing this. :)

Talk to you all soon.

Time Out

2008-10-24T15:10:00.003-04:00

Hi Everyone!

I'm just checking in to let you all know that I'm alive and reasonably well. Sorry to leave you hanging for so long.

Things have not been so great lately. It's one thing to chronicle the ups and downs of trying, but I don't want to bring everyone down with regular updates of my slightly off track life right now.

Just so you don't get the wrong idea, I'm fine. It's just that I'm having trouble finding a decent job and it's looking gloomier as the economy continues to weaken. Not fun. I had an interview scheduled twice for a great position, and they canceled twice due to the financial craziness going on right now. :( Hopefully the position will open up soon...maybe the markets will settle after the election?!

Also, one of my uncles that I grew up with (we're close in age) is losing his battle with cancer. I've been up to Maryland twice recently to spend time with him while I still can and to be with my family. This really puts my problems in perspective. I can't even imagine.

And to round it all out... This month marks our 3 year anniversary of trying. Yay for me and M! I recently realized that I started trying shortly before my former bestfriend got engaged to her husband. You know, the one who's pregnant now. I try not to think about that whole situation much, but I often replay the whole ugly scene in my dreams. I guess it's bothering me more than I'd like to admit.

On the bright side, M and I are doing very well, I have my health, a nice home, and a wonderful family. Hopefully I'll have a meaningful job again soon.

Needless to say, until I can get my life back on track I don't have the luxury of worrying about getting knocked up. I don't plan on pursuing more treatments or adoption for some time.

I hope everyone out there is doing well! I'll still be lurking around and I'll probably surface now and again.

Go McCain-Palin! (I know I'm the minority in blog land -hopefully not in the U.S. though)

Fun Names

2008-09-05T20:57:00.004-04:00

I shamelessly stole this from Kym at I'm a Smart One who shamelessly stole it from Calliope.

Good fun, thanks Kym & Calliope!

1.Your rock star name (first pet, current car): Flower Elantra
2.Your gangsta name (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe): Coffee Sandle
3.Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal): Green Turtle
4.Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born): Marie Hagerstown
5.Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name): Bolst
6.Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Blue Juice
7.NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers): Ronald Paul
8.Dancer name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Happy Chocolate
9.TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Minnick Miami
10.Spy name (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Summer Orchid
11.Cartoon name:(favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Mango Pants
12.Hippie name (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): Plum Oak
13.Movie star name (first pet, first street where you lived): Flower Salem

Signed and Ready to Send

2008-09-04T17:33:00.003-04:00

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for the comments on my last post. I appreciate your advice, especially in regards to only going as far as I feel comfortable with. I'm not exactly sure what that is yet, but I know it doesn't involve calling her up right now.

So I went with option D, or at least that's the plan. I wrote a little something in the card along the lines of "how are you and DH, I heard things are going well, I'm so happy to hear that..." I also offered to share some pregnancy books I purchased for myself (back before my infertility became obvious) if she's interested.

So, here's the hiccup. I don't have her new address! She moved to a new place, but I don't know what I did with her street address, although she gave it to me once upon a time.
I guess I'm going to have to call her sister up and get it that way, 'cause otherwise I'm either throwing in the towel or going the e-mail route.

I'm not really worrying over this too much, but I do want to be careful. I'd hate to lose a friendship over carelessness on my part. I want to know that I did everything I could or should to smooth things over.

Thanks again to my loyal friends in the blogosphere!

P.S. My trip out of town was postponed to next week, but I'm not holding my breath. Especially with Ike churning it's way in our general direction.

Should I Bother?

2008-09-01T19:38:00.005-04:00

Not much has happened with the best friend-turned-pregnant-non-friend saga. The only contact I’ve had with BF was receiving a brief happy b-day e-mail back in July which I responded to with an equally brief thank you and best wishes email.

I don’t really socialize with BF’s sister much, but we occasionally have reason to see one another. She stopped by last week to pick up some of our leftover wiring for her kitchen remodel and we chatted for a bit.

Out of some sort of politeness/self torture, I asked about BF. I didn’t really expect it to be so hard hearing about how happy BF and her husband are now and how she’s showing already and will be finding out the sex of the baby soon.

I know it’s always going to be difficult to hear stuff like that, but it’s harder knowing that so much is going on in her life and I’m no longer privy to it first-hand. I know it can't be fun dealing with a frustrated infertile friend, but to be rudely dismissed from her life now that it’s not so convenient is a hard pill to swallow. I always thought that good friendships weathered the tough times.

I’ve often wondered if it wasn’t just the pregnancy hormones leading BF to be so insensitive and quick to withdraw, and now that she’s hopefully leveled out, she’s just too embarrassed to deal with the situation. Or…she’s not who I thought she was and I’m better off without her.

I would like it to be the former and have things back to normal. We've know each other for more than half our lives and been good friends for the last 10+ years. But in all honesty, it’s not like we talked every day or even every week. So her absence from my life isn’t all that acute. It’s more like the idea of her absence is more painful. Kind of sad, but true.

I’m still pretty pissed that this happened in the first place. One part of me doesn't want to be the bigger person, I just want to put this behind me and write her off. I feel like I'm already on the losing end of this debacle anyway. At least she gets a baby at the end to fill the void of a former friendship. What do I get? But... I feel like I should make some sort of attempt at reconciliation, because that’s what I’m supposed to do. Know what I mean?

Which brings me around to the same question I had before, do I try to fix this or leave it alone?

Her b-day is in about a week, so I have to decide soon *IF* I want to contact her or not. I'm still pretty angry, so it might not be an easy road, especially if I have to do all of the work.

As I see it, I have several options *IF* I do want to make an attempt.

Option A: Treat her birthday as she did mine and e-mail her. It takes minimal effort and has minimal impact as far as our “friendship” goes.

Option B: E-mail her a happy b-day and go a little further by inquiring after her health, goings on, husband, etc. -Carefully staying away from any hostile accusations and hurtfulness.

Option C: Send an actual card to her house. Also rather safe, but it does have a little extra thoughtfulness. (I’ve already bought a very benign card, not the usual Shoebox-snarky- best friend-card ‘cause we’re not there anymore)

Option D: Similar to option B, sending the card and including a hand written note to break the ice and offer her an excuse to contact me if that’s what she’s waiting on.

Option E: Of course the riskiest of all and least likely to happen, phoning her up on her b-day for an actual chat. This would take extreme amounts of courage (possibly liquid, ha-ha) on my part as I would have to remain composed in regards to our friendship meltdown AND the pregnancy, assuming that she could bring her-self to speak to a lowly infertile such as myself.

What do you say? You guys give great advice and I’m in need of some discourse that isn’t solely taking place in my neurotic head. ;)

P.S. I’m out of town this week, so I don’t know how often I’ll be able to check in, but I’ll do my best!

A Month Without Milk and Bread

2008-08-29T00:24:00.004-04:00

I mentioned a few posts back that I’m trying out some dietary changes to see if it will help with my endometriosis. It’s been roughly six weeks and I just finished my second period since starting the experiment. I might be jumping the gun, but it seems to have been a success!

I’m not sure what exactly has been the most help, eliminating dairy wheat, or sugar, but I’ve definitely noticed a change. My pain was almost non-existent! TMI ahead (as if that’s possible in our circle) but I also noticed fewer blood clots, it was almost a normal type of bleed. I don’t know if that is tied in with everything, but when I was seeing the acupuncturist, he was always interested in eliminating the clotting (which he never did).

I nearly forgot that my period was due to start, because I didn’t have any significant cramping ahead of time. It also started without the typical multi day spotting marathon that usually precedes the real deal. Very strange and exciting if a period can ever be described in those terms.

Once AF really got going, there was some discomfort/cramping so I took one Advil, mostly as a precaution. I didn’t want cramps to ruin my indoor skydiving experience. Ha ha. It wasn’t until I was getting ready for bed that I realized that I was still feeling okay. Usually by then I’d have the heating pad out and pop another Advil to get through the night.

The only thing that was still abnormal was the length of AF. It started for about a day and a half and then stopped only to start briefly a day later. I’m hoping that in the future it will be a little more regular in duration.

I haven’t been adhering to the strict diet like I was before, so I’m not sure if that explains why I’ve had a little bit of cramping post AF. I have been contemplating continuing with a wheat free month, but allowing a moderate amount of dairy back into my diet to see what happens. I doubt that’s going to be as successful, for some reason I think dairy is the real culprit. Just a hunch.

BTW, I’m not trying right now. I feel like there is too much chaos in my life and I don’t want to add more right now. In some ways it’s a relief taking the time to focus on work, family, and M. I’m sure I’ll get back in the game soon.

Checking In

2008-08-27T20:55:00.003-04:00

Hi everyone. Sorry to be gone for so long without checking in. Things have been a little crazy lately. I'll have to write a longer post soon, but for now I'll give you a brief update.

The main reason for my disappearance is a new job. I've started something and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. It's with a start up company so I'm helping to get it off the ground as well as do their design work. So... it could turn into something awesome, or it could crash and burn.

I'm not all that adventurous, so this is challenging for me. I'm trying to go with the flow and not freak, but I haven't been very successful yet. Ha ha. Deep breaths.

We also had family in town, my mom and her brother flew in from MD. Unfortunately for them, they got to catch most of T.S. Fay. Not exactly the ideal visit to the Sunshine State! We were soggy, but fortunately the storm didn't do any damage or cause any flooding in our part of town.

We had a good time anyway and even did the indoor skydiving on I-drive. In case you don't know what I'm talking about, basically it entails jumping into a vertical wind tunnel and attempting to float. Since I never plan on jumping out of a plane, that's the closest to experiencing a free fall that I'll ever have (hopefully). :)

I guess that sums up the past few weeks. Nothing really new on the IF front.

Hopefully I'll start catching up on every one's blog soon.

Header

2008-08-04T16:42:00.005-04:00

I've finally decided to stop being so lazy about my blogs appearance. It's a small change but I think it's an improvement. I'm not sure if that's the image I want to keep, but it'll have to do for now. I took that picture when I met up with Barb at a local park, some of you might recognize it from a previous post.

Maybe I should look into creating my own special header. It would be the perfect project to help me learn Illustrator better, something I need to do! I would like to be able to do more graphic design work, not just interior design. Partially because I enjoy it and partially because it's nice to have more than one way to pay the bills when the going gets tough.

Interior design isn't exactly the most stable field to be in, especially when it's tied to the housing market. It's not the worst, don't get me wrong, but it's not a necessity like medicine and law.

As my MIL pointed out at lunch yesterday, M's sister is good, "she doesn't need anything, she has everything". This was her response when we asked what we could get SIL for her birthday.

I know the comment was innocent, but it's the truth. She's a lawyer married to a Dr. with three small children.

M and I are only scraping by in our design jobs and of course we don't have children.

Quite a contrast. Yeah, I know I need to stop being so pitiful. ;)

Bye Bye Bread

2008-08-01T18:47:00.003-04:00

I am going to see if altering my diet has any impact on my endometriosis. I believe it’s getting worse, or at least the pain is. I’m now cramping on and off throughout my cycle, mostly during my luteal phase and of course with my period. Last month I had some of the worst pain ever with my period and I really want to get it under control.

I’ve already had a lap, and the lupron suppression option is only a temporary fix. I’ve been very unimpressed with the concern of my Drs. regarding this stupid disease so far. So, in a vain attempt to self treat, I’m giving my diet a little shake up. Like a good infertile, I already have a reasonably good diet so this is going to push me to a new level of healthful eating.

Dr. Google has pointed me in the direction of a few websites and books that strongly advocate giving up wheat, dairy, meat, sugar, chocolate, alcohol, and anything else tasty. I don’t think I can bear to give up much more than wheat and dairy for now, but I can cut back on some of the other offenders and eat a more vegetarian/vegan diet. I’ve been giving this a go for the past two weeks so hopefully next month will show some results. If not, I’m having a cheeseburger and a glass of milk! ;)

In case you’re wondering why I’m giving up certain foods, it’s all about the prostaglandins. I’m trying to eliminate the bad and increase the good in hopes that it will reduce the inflammation of my endo. It's a theory worth putting to the test anyway.

I’m open to any suggestions if you have any!

Rambling Thoughts

2008-07-27T11:03:00.004-04:00

Ha, that was a rambling mess of a blog post last night!

Still, I'm really happy for the distraction my friends provided me. I haven't really shared the drama surrounding my BF so it was nice just to have a normal night.

The host of the party was my former boss. He's such a nice man and recently revealed to me that he and his wife tried for 6 years before doing IVF and conceiving their twin boys. I had always wondered, because of the twins and he confirmed my suspicions.

He gave me a good quiet pep talk (unsolicited) about how it would eventually work out. I really love talking to people who "get it". I'm still amazed at how many of us are out there.

Hope you all are having a great weekend!

Late Night Confession

2008-07-27T00:35:00.002-04:00

I confess, I haven’t been totally honest with you, my blogger friends. I’m feeling a touch guiltly, but I “celebrated” a birthday on Friday. I was trying to pretend that it wasn’t happening, but I just turned 31 (gasp). Let's just pretend that it didn't really happen, k?

I wouldn’t be bothered if it weren’t for the milestones I haven’t hit. I was expecting to have a baby, actually two about now. So turning 31 has been a big disappointment. Oh well, I’ll deal.

The BF debacle just added to the stupidity of this b-day. We were supposed to go downtown tonight and drink our faces off. Clearly that’s off the table. I drank a good bit anyway ;)

As an update, she did e-mail a brief but nice happy b-day wish for blessings and happiness. I responded in kind, with brief thanks and good wishes for her pregnancy. I guess this is what it’s come to. Could be worse.

Fortunately I was invited to a party on Saturday (tonight) so I wasn’t sitting home along feeling sorry for myself. Thank goodness. I seriously needed to have some fun. Yayyy, peach vodka, yayyy mango vodka. Yayyy friends. Okay, I’m still feeling the effects of said vodka, but yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Sadly we had to leave a little earlier than I’d like since M has a deadline on Monday and wanted to either work tonight or tuck in early. Still not sure which. He’s catching up on his Avatar marathon at the moment. I’ll admit, I like watching Avatar too. It’s a pretty good cartoon. I think M should be the Avatar for Halloween! ;)

Okay, enough of the drunk blogging. I’ll check in with you guys later.

My Move

2008-07-24T17:20:00.003-04:00

BF wrote me back last night. She apologized for not realizing how difficult this is for me, but ended the e-mail with this:

You don't have to worry about me telling you details of this pregnancy. I promise not a word. I need to surround myself with real happiness right now to help me get through this scary transition and very apprehensive first stages. I'm sorry things didn't work out the way we would have liked them to...

I don’t know how to respond, I’ve already explained that I’m both happy and sad. Happy for them but sad for us. I think I made it clear that it was the way the news was delivered that was hurtful, and that with time, I will be a lot happier. Is it just me or does it sound like she’s writing me off because I’m not 100% over the moon? I hope I’m not misinterpreting her meaning, but I’m very confused.

Was my struggle and desire not clear enough all these years? Did I not convey the depth of my IF pain? Did she not witness my sadness with my SIL’s third pregnancy? I don’t know why she would expect so much from me so fast.

I’m tempted to explain it all to her again, but I don’t want to beat a dead horse. I’m also tempted to give her this helpful bit of reading, but I’m not sure how it will be received. Maybe I should just send her a card in the mail and let some time pass.

Honestly, I don’t even know how much support I should offer at this point. Should I insist on being included or is that just asking for trouble considering she doesn’t get where I’m coming from. Should I just walk away and let her decide? Obviously I might not have a choice, but how do I approach this?

Thank you so much for listening to my whining and drama.

P.S. I'm really doing okay, just a little sad about all of this. M has been so supportive. :)

Confronting the Pregnant

2008-07-23T11:01:00.004-04:00

Monday was still rough, but I decided to suck it up and text BF and ask how she was doing. She responded briefly stating that everything was the same. I asked a question or two and never heard back. I figured she was busy at work and she would probably call later in the evening when she got off.

After some time to digest I was feeling a little better. I was mostly upset about how the news was delivered. I do care about my BF very much and feel guilty that I’m not able to be the friend she needs right now.

When 9:30pm rolled around I decided to give her a call to check in. Selfishly I was hoping for a nice cathartic chat that would entail me explaining why I wasn’t able to fully show my happiness and her apologizing for the manner in which she broke the news.

I called and her husband said that she was already in bed and he would let her know that I called. I’m sure he could tell that I was a little upset because a few seconds later she called me back (she wasn’t asleep yet).

Our chat started out okay, I asked how things were and she said she didn’t have anything new to report, that’s why she didn’t call. I told her that I was just recovering from the shock and was hoping to talk a little. She didn’t seem to understand why I would want to and I got a little upset by her “whatever” attitude.

I told her that it had been an extremely emotional day for me, and that I wish it hadn’t happened the way it did. She said she had noticed by the look on my face when she came over that I was not pulled together. At that point everything came out, I couldn’t hold it in. I told her that I did not appreciate the way everything happened. How I needed more time and I wasn’t really able to digest the news and respond appropriately. I then told her that it was insensitive to show me the positives or to expect me to sympathize with her regrets of actually becoming pregnant.

She said she honestly didn’t think about any of that (?!) and she didn’t mean to hurt us. She also didn’t realize the amount of emotional turmoil I’ve been in and how difficult this would be for me. I know she wasn’t trying to hurt me. I guess it’s a case of you can’t know how much IF sucks unless you’ve been there.

I can’t even begin to explain how out of character this is for BF. She is a very sweet and compassionate person, she just didn’t get it this time. She apologized and said that she is embarrassed by her actions now. Of course I feel terrible, like I just ruined her exciting pregnancy news and strong armed her into an apology. Not the reason I called to chat.

The most horrible part is that now she won’t feel comfortable talking to me about the pregnancy, and I don't blame her. So I feel like a terrible friend for not giving her the support she needs. I really want to be there for her and be excited to see ultrasound pics, discuss her latest symptoms, and go shopping etc. I just don’t know if I can put my stupid self pitying emotions aside and step up.

At the end of the horrible phone call, we both apologized. I felt better for getting it off my chest and worse for burdening her with my issues. I decided to send her an email to apologize and explain things more clearly. I asked that she be patient with me, and understand that I am happy for them, but I need a little time after news like that. I also asked that she share future pregnancy related news a little more privately so that I won’t have an audience waiting for my reaction.

I know this might have destroyed a friendship and that it will be forever changed at best. I hate so much that this has happened. I hate so much that my IF has seemingly taken over my life.

What is an IF girl supposed to do in this sort of situation?

Consoling the Pregnant

2008-07-22T10:51:00.004-04:00

I really suck right now. That whole best friend getting pregnant put me in a REALLY dark place for a day or so. I’m not sure I should blog about it, but since this is free therapy and I can’t afford the real deal, I’m going to let it out.

So this is how it went down. Saturday night Best Friend and her husband came over to hang out with us and some friends (we had houseguests in town) and all was well. We talked about stuff, she told me that her cycles had been weird (like always)and this month AF was a no show at like 40 days, but that she had taken a test a week ago and it was negative. I gave some assvice about seeing her Dr. and she said, no, she’ll see him in a few months.

I didn’t really say too much about our situation, as it’s been somewhat static for a while and I’ve been trying to keep my crazy in check and enjoy myself, but she knows pretty much everything.

On Sunday, our house guests were still in town, we were hanging by the pool, drinking having a really nice day. In the afternoon I get a missed call from BF and decide to call he back later when we’re done swimming. Not long after, M gets a call from BF’s husband saying that BF really wants to talk to me and she’s going to call me right away. I should have known something was up, but I wasn’t really thinking clearly.

I take my cell phone outside and sit with everyone on the porch. We’re drinking margaritas and having fun when she finally calls back. She asks what I’m doing, I tell her about the hanging out and then she starts crying and tells me that she took two tests that day and they’re both positive. Honestly, I don’t really remember much after that.

Naturally I was super shocked. From my questions and response everyone at the table figured what was going on. It took everything I had to keep from breaking down. I tried my best to be excited and comforting, but I know it was weak.

She said that she wanted to come by, so I got changed and waited for the inevitable. By that time I had already endured lots of, “are you alright” and “I’m so sorry” which of course makes it harder to keep the emotions in check. I just sat on the front porch shaking, trying to prepare myself for the required show of happiness.

We still had a full house so it was a little awkward when they showed up. Everyone offered up their congratulations which was met with something less than happiness. BF’s husband was entirely blank, and when we said congratulations, he said something like “I might be happy in a month, we’ll see”. WTF?

Fortunately for me, one of our house guests had to get to the airport and all of the guys jumped in the car leaving me to talk to BF with some privacy. After they left, she broke down and cried and told me about how awful this news is, and how she has been so upset and that her husband has not been very excited. She said that she “wishes she could take it back” and whipped out her two very positive tests.* Just what I was hoping for, visual aids.

I wanted to yell at her, and explain that she shouldn’t have been messing around like that if she and her husband weren’t ready for the positive. And they definitely shouldn’t be crying to me and M about it before they got their shit together. But I didn’t say any of those things.

Instead, I did my job as a friend to console her and say the right things.

I was in such shock that it still feels like a bad dream. I’m probably being too sensitive, but I was in disbelief that she would come over and lay everything on me like that. Of course if I wasn’t infertile I could have handled it well. But, she knows everything we’ve been through and she didn’t stop to consider how this would affect me?

I had no time to digest, I was half buzzed from the sun and alcohol and I still had to go visit my SIL and her 6 month old that night. Not to mention we still had someone staying with us.

I just can’t believe I was consoling HER over HER good fortune and telling HER that it would be alright.

After they left, M had the same reaction. He couldn’t believe that they would tell us like that, without any composure, without allowing me the decency to hear the news in private or have time to digest. No less complain to US about their surprise pregnancy news! WTF?

*I totally get the scared shitless part, but perhaps turning to your husband, sister, mother, non IF friend would have been more appropriate given the circumstances.

Best Friend

2008-07-21T03:02:00.004-04:00

I am so unbelievably sad today. It's finally happened, my best friend is pregnant. I'm happy for her and her husband, they're great but I am just heart broken for me and M.

This is not how it was supposed to happen. She didn't even want to get pregnant yet, they weren't really truly trying... just not preventing. She doesn't have regular cycles so she was suprised when the test came out positive and she cried...to me.

I seriously don't know how I'm going to handle this. I can't sleep or eat I'm so upset. I just keep thinking that our friendship of 20 years is going to be so different now with nothing in common.

Oh yeah, I met my SILs baby daughter today too. I couldn't hold her which I'm sure pissed everyone off, but I could barely keep my shit together to get through dinner.

Parents For a Weekend

2008-07-14T19:08:00.004-04:00

I’m just now getting back to the blog world after the RL world kicked my butt. I think I mentioned that our niece and nephew are in town for a visit. This past weekend we had them over at our house for some bonding. M’s parents dropped them off Friday evening and picked them up Sunday evening.

Wow, I am exhausted! The kids are 6 and 4, overall they’re well behaved but wow. We intended to take them to the water park on Saturday but the weather was uncooperative. The gloomy 70% chance of heavy rain caused us to look for alternative entertainment.

We ended up playing at the house for most of the morning (letting M catch up on sleep) and then going to see WallE to wait out the rain. The movie was pretty good, but N, the youngest was having a hard time near the end. She was worried that it was going to be dark when we left the theatre and we wouldn’t be able to go to the Fun Spot which we had promised if it wasn’t raining.

Fortunately the sun was still up and the rain had pretty much stopped by the time the movie ended. So off to the Fun Spot we went. It’s not that big, more like a permanent carnival than amusement park. They have a little kid section and the best part, several go cart tracks that we get to drive with the kids as passengers.

All in all it was a successful family weekend. I think we succeeded in taking good care of them and having lots of fun. It also gave us a good chance to pretend to be parents for a few days. It was weird and kind of fun walking through the mall or amusement park knowing that everyone was thinking they’re ours. Well, except when they called us Aunt Stephanie and Uncle M of course.

That said, I was exhausted and happy to hand them back to the In-laws. I don’t know how much was because I’m not used to them, they’re not used to us, and how much is just the reality of constantly taking care of children. It kinda scared me a little, am I really ready to do this?!

I keep telling myself that it will be different if we have our own. I’ll feel differently about my own child and having a routine would make a difference. I hope I’m not just deluding myself. Please tell me I’m not!

I’m going to try to catch up on everyone’s blog soon!

No Net

2008-07-08T11:21:00.006-04:00

Saturday was the first day that M and I could have a decent conversation about our IF plans. It’s been hard to find the time to talk about everything. M’s slammed with work right now and I’ve been waiting until he’s had a chance to breathe before diving into IVF, adoption, money, etc.

I mentioned that I’ve been doing some serious second guessing about IVF. I explained that although I want very much to get pregnant, I don’t really believe that it’s possible anymore.* I also expressed my concerns about how I’ll be able to cope if it fails. I’m worried that I won’t do well and I’ll be resentful and angry if we can’t move on because we’re further in debt.

M seemed a little taken aback by all of this. Rightly so, he believed we had a plan of action, and I suddenly wanted to switch gears on him. M concentrates on the positive aspect of doing IVF and doesn’t seem to understand why I only think about the negative.

I was given directions to focus on one thing at a time and to stop jumping ahead of myself. I totally get where he’s coming from, and I think he’s right in many ways. But of course I still argued my point, because that’s how I am. It took me a while and a lot of tears to explain why I need to plan for the worst case scenario. I need a backup plan and right now we don’t have a good one.

I think he understands now, but I’m not sure that he really gets it. M is so much more optimistic about this than I am. I almost feel bad, as if he’s an IF newbie about to be crushed for the first time. I know that seems weird, since he’s been there through all of the IUI’s and the mini IVF, but I think if this one doesn’t work out, it will be different for him.

M really believes that this is going to work for us. It doesn’t matter that I’ve explained the odds, his boss at work did IVF twice and it worked like a charm. He doesn’t think we are any different.

I really hope he’s right.

So for now, we’re going to continue on towards IVF, apparently without a backup plan.

*Okay, maybe I still have a little hope, but not all that much

Adoption Costs How Much?!

2008-07-03T15:39:00.005-04:00

I've contacted some adoption agencies online and talked to a nice woman over the phone. I've learned a little more about international adoption, but I'm not sure that it's made things clearer.

It seems that adoption is very fluid, its rules are constantly changing. A country that was once easy to adopt from suddenly becomes rigid, and vice versa. Also, some countries allow future parents to choose their child at the orphanage and others only allow parents to accept or decline based on their recommendations.

I'm interested in adopting siblings, although that might make me certifiable. We already know that we want two children if possible, so why go through this process twice if we can avoid it? I think it's sorta like wanting IVF twins.

Not that I've pondered this deeply, but I think it might be nice if at least our children are genetically related to one another. I imagine it would give them some since of security growing up together.

Now for the depressing news…

From the information I've received so far, it would be somewhere in the neighborhood of $1500 for a home study. $23,500 for a single adoption and an additional $13,500 for a sibling. Keep in mind that this does not include the cost for the required two trips abroad, food, lodging, or translators! I haven't actually figured out the cost for that but I estimate another $10,000.

The grand total for adopting abroad is...drum roll please...$48,500! I think I'm feeling a little ill now. It's true there is a $10,000 tax credit (not sure how that actually works) per child (I think), so that would eventually knock off $20,000, not bad. But if I understand correctly that only happens after the adoption is final, so we would still need to come up with the original sum.

M and I have lots to discuss this weekend -I hope! I know he still really wants to give IVF a shot and the $15,000 that would cost is starting to look reasonable next to the adoption total! I hate that either way we go, we basically have to "buy" a child. I know that sounds terrible, but fertile couples are certainly not shelling out tens of thousands of dollars before the baby arrives unless they're decorating a nursery or buying a new car.

Is infertility messed up or what?

What Next?

2008-06-30T14:42:00.004-04:00

I've been thinking about what M and I should do next. Until recently, I had no doubts IVF should be our next step, but lately, I'm not so sure. Maybe I'm just scared of it failing but I'm having second thoughts.

Sinking $15,000+ into something that has less than 50% chance of working out in our favor is scary. I'm just not sure that I have the stomach for it. How do so many women do it? How do so many women afford it? Good insurance I guess.

My body's refusal to get pregnant under the most optimal conditions makes it difficult for me to believe that IVF will be any different. It's not like I've even had a chemical pregnancy to reassure me that pregnancy is possible. I am completely unproven and if IVF should fail, we won't be able to afford other avenues for a while.

So I've been thinking, the relative guarantee of a child through adoption is looking pretty good. I started looking into it last night, but all of the options make my head spin. I'm so not sure what to do anymore! Why is this so hard?

Breakthrough

2008-06-20T21:38:00.006-04:00

I never would have guessed that writing my troubles for everyone to read could lead to such insight. Who needs counseling, when I have all of you!

I was thinking about all of the issues I have with M's sister and its become increasingly clear that the last two really weren't about her. This got me to thinking about some of the other times I've blamed her for my anger... and I came to a startling realization. She may have been a factor or catalyst, but it was M who had really and truly hurt me.* This leads me to my next breakthrough, she doesn't really have that much power over me!

Just because I can, I'll give you a run down of what I'm talking about...

Back in 2000, M graduated from college. His sister didn't attend his graduation (or ever visit him) because it was inconvenient and someone told her it was bad luck to fly before her wedding which was the following week. We missed out on all of the good-bye parties to fly up and participate in the pre-wedding suckage. :( -This is just one example of many, many times we've gone out of our way to be there for her.

When M and I got engaged, his mom wanted to throw a bridal shower for me (sweet, I know) with all of her friends and family, mostly people I didn't know. (I had another with my family and friends in MD.) I'm a big chicken, so I asked M to please stay in the house, he didn't have to sit with me, but I needed him nearby for moral support and comfort. His mom and sister were aware of this request, so I was shocked when I couldn't find M to offer him some cake. I looked everywhere and finally asked them if they knew where he was. They admitted that his sister had asked him to go over to her house and help her husband move some stuff. I felt so betrayed, by all of them. -Stupid, I know.

When it was our turn to get married, his sister and husband didn't attend, they had started trying to get pregnant right after we announced our engagement/wedding date and were (big shock) successful on the first try. She was 8 1/2 months pregnant and couldn't fly, who knew?! Did I mention that we had asked her husband to be best man before they announced the pregnancy (he had accepted) and as the big day got closer he wouldn't return our phone calls. To say this stressed me out is an understatement. We ended up replacing him at the last minute (obviously) but not after taking a lot of shit from M's family about the whole mess. The impending birth of the first grandchild definitely trumped our wedding when it came to his family. I'm not bitter....noooo, not at all.

We returned from our wedding to attend the baby shower, and celebrate the birth of our nephew. Everything was somewhat okay, until M's sister asked M to be godfather...and didn't ask me to be godmother. I know that everyone does this sort of thing differently, but after the wedding debacle, I thought it would have been a nice gesture. It became a great source of pain for me, because I'm weird like that, and took it as another slap from his family. Of course M's family didn't understand why I was hurt and encouraged M to accept, which he did against my wishes. I almost didn't attend the Christening because I was so upset, but decided to suck it up at the last minute so they wouldn't think I was a total bitch. I'm still not sure if I did the right thing.

Of course there was the pregnancy last summer where I was the ONLY one who didn't know -at M's request. Talk about embarassing! (Just this once, in his defense, he was trying to protect my IF feelings)

Last but not least, the unauthorized IF discussion M had with his sister and brother in law.

Looking back over this, even though his sister was involved in every scenario, it was M's actions that have ultimitely hurt me the most. He was the one that had a choice to make and in my oppinion, chose poorly. Now that I've realized this, I'm hoping that I can start to move past all of this old baggage. M has apologized (many times) and realizes that he has to be more aware of his actions and how they affect me -his wife. He has gotten so much better in the last 4 years or so, but obviously there is room for improvement.

I'm really hoping I can let go of some anger now. Thanks for listening.

*Disclaimer: M is a really great husband and I love him dearly, he's just not perfect quite yet!

Husband/SIL Problems

2008-06-19T09:38:00.004-04:00

M and I had a long talk about everything last night. Hopefully we've cleared the air a little and resolved some issues -maybe. He apologized for being sneaky about talking to his sister regarding our IF issues. Clearly he didn't go about it the right way and hopefully it won't happen again. He says it won't anyway.

M is (normally) a very straightforward and honest guy, that's one of the things I love about him. Unfortunately his family is not, they have a bad habit of lying when it suits them. M is one of the few that doesn't seem to have this trait... except when it comes to his sister. She can get him to do things he normally wouldn't, in the past she's used this super-power against me which turns me into a big mess of rage and anger. M of course always feels bad, but he also forgives her easily, so somehow we end up back where we started.

I hate the idea that I make him feel like he has to lie to cover up his relationship with her. Last night I made it clear that I prefer the truth, no matter how painful. So he's got to man up and deal with this honestly.

M of course points out that if his sister and I would just get along he wouldn't be in this position. I counter that I've tried to get along with her many times in the past 10 years and she has continuously made it difficult with her selfishness.* I don't even know how to deal with that sort of thing except to not deal with it.

He's not going stop talking to her (no matter how much I love the idea) so I have to accept that she's always going to be in his/our lives to some extent. Bleh. I really don't know how to make this easier on him and myself. Suggestions are welcome!

*I realize that M's sister is not the guilty party in this situation, I'm mad at M...but I still have to figure out how to get along with her.

Back to Earth or Out in Space?

2008-06-18T14:00:00.005-04:00

Hi Everyone,

I think Father's day brought me back down to Earth. Nothing like non-stop commercials of parents with their happy children to remind me of what I don't, and may never have. That coupled with M's sisters impending visit has sent me into a serious funk.

I have serious issues with her. It's all in my head at this point as I haven't been able to entirely let go of past problems that she and her family have caused me. So now, every little thing that she does (purposely or not) pisses me off.

Rationally I know that I'm responsible for letting her get to me, but honestly, I get so angry when I even think of her. I want this to change, but I don't know how! Perhaps some therapy is in order. It's not right, but I would be happy if I never had to see her again -ever.

Okay, so now you know the context for the following drama... I recently found out that M has consulted her (and her husband) of all people about our IF issues. Her husband is an OBGYN (and an ass) but even so, they would be the last people on Earth that I want knowing the details of our IF issues. She is not always a nice or honest person. It's hard to see her have so many of the things that I desire, like three children.

To say that I am pissed about this is an understatement. I thought M and I had agreed to limit the circle of people we talked about this with, particularly leaving out the majority of his family. It was an extreme blow to find out that someone I dislike vehemently has first hand knowledge about the pain and difficulties we've been going through. This also explains the sudden interest M has with visiting NY for consultations.

Clearly M knows my feelings about her, so it's no surprise that he tried to keep the details from me. Not a good idea. Of course I eventually realized what was really going on and freaked the hell out. I understand his desire to reach out for help, but I still have issues with the way he went about it. It's reminiscent of last summers horrific pregnancy announcement given by a 3 year old.

Okay, to get back to the impending visit, M's parents are flying up to NY and bringing back his sisters two older children, ages 4 and 6 for a few weeks(!). I'm looking forward to spending some time with them... or is it that they give me an excuse to visit water parks while they're here. The down side is, M's sister will be flying down with her new baby to pick up the kids.

I haven't seen this baby and honestly would love to keep it that way. I know it makes me a horrible aunt, but I feel like that should be my baby. She already has two, did she really need to have a third? I can't even imagine holding the baby in front of everyone, it really seems like a nightmare situation, especially knowing that she knows I can't have any of my own. I hate the way M's family makes me feel.

I am so fucking bitter.

Girls Just Want to Have Fun!

2008-06-04T09:53:00.005-04:00

Hi everyone who reads this!

I know... I've disappeared for a while. Everything is just fine, thanks for your concern Kymberli. I haven't been all that active with the blogs, but I do check in, even if I don't comment as often.

I haven't posted mainly because I don't have much to report. I feel like I'm not an active member of the IF club right now...and not because I've been blessed with a miracle. I'm certainly not pregnant! It's just that I've completely abandoned all treatment, there's really nothing to be done until the money is scraped together for a Big IVF.

I did call several of the Drs. in NY to discuss consultations, but decided there's really no rush at the moment. We were thinking of flying up the week of July 4th with friends and squeezing in some face time with Cornell and NYU but with the cost of travel being so high we've decided to wait until we're a little closer to actually doing the IVF thing. Hopefully flights will be a bit more reasonable by then -ha!

In case you're wondering, we still sort of "try" each month, I can't help but know where I am in any given cycle but I've basically given up. There's no longer a forced 4-5 day sex marathon focused around cd14. See, I told you I'm not an active member of the IF club right now, I don't even have any OPK's in the house! Instead we are having a -gasp!- normal sex life. :) It has been very liberating to not expect anything during the 2ww.

I've decided to not let the (2%) possibility of a pregnancy stop me from living a normal life right now. Loosely translated: if I want a drink, I have one, if I want to go out with friends and really drink, I do. No more sitting at home or being so damn responsible! I'm going to enjoy this summer.

This new found freedom makes me feel young again. Not that I'm old, but it's been a lot of work trying to make every cycle perfect and I feel like I've missed out on a lot because of it. I don't know how long this change will last. It's as if I've been replaced by a slightly more immature selfish version of myself -and I like it.

Back, But Not Really

2008-05-20T18:20:00.004-04:00

Maryland was nice, but unseasonably cold. I didn't pack enough warm clothes, so I ended up borrowing from my mom and sister. I really should know better by now, I seem to do this every time. It did re-enforce that I'm much more comfortable living down South. It was great to see the mountains, everything was so green from the heavy rains. Quite a contrast to our drought and wild fires, but I'll take the warmth of FL any day. It's good to be home!

It was kind of fun celebrating our anniversary at my cousins wedding, everyone had a great time. (Thanks for the congrats btw!) We kept forgetting and then re-remembering through out the day since we were so focused on the wedding. I was reminded of the stress and chaos that goes into a wedding, I'm so happy to have that behind me. I had a beautiful wedding, but I wouldn't want to do it again!

I have to acknowledge how awesome my family is. Not one single person asked or mentioned having children in any way. They weren't tip-toeing around the subject either, it just wasn't an issue and never has been. My family has enough going on in their own lives to be overly concerned about ours. I don't mean that in a bad way, they really are great.

I feel like I'm still in vacation mode. I'm not ready to get back to reality, mostly IF reality. I came home to a few more info. packets from other clinics. I've looked them over briefly, but I'm not in any hurry to make decisions. Strange, because I was so impatient to make consultation appointments before I left. ...I'm pretty sure I'll snap out of it soon.

Going Home

2008-05-11T10:09:00.003-04:00

Hi everyone. Thanks for all the advice and discussion about different clinics. I think I'm going to concentrate on the ones in the list from the previous post. M has added another clinic located on Long Island, Reproductive Specialists of NY so I guess we'll look into that as well. That's a whole other story in itself.

I'm going home to Maryland tomorrow! I haven't been home in nearly a year so I'm really looking forward to seeing everyone. My cousin is getting married on Saturday, May 17th(coincidentally, our anniversary) so it should be kinda neat. M is going to fly up on Thursday to be with us and put in his face time ;).

Obviously spending our anniversary at my parents house is less than ideal, but it'll be fine. We're going to plan a belated get away, hopefully to Savannah or some other fun destination later on. Last year we went to Captiva, FL which was beautiful. This is our 6th, so not all that "important". I can't believe how fast time is flying by, M and I have been together 10 years now!

Normally we are in Savannah for our anniversary (or close to it) and we get a small cake made from the same bakery (Savannah Rum Runners)that made our wedding cake. We had the most delicious butter cake with butter cream icing. This will be the first year without it because they don't like to ship it (for obvious reasons) but they will ship the Kahlua cake that we had as the grooms cake. So Kahlua it is!

Today, we're going up to the in-laws for Mothers Day, I have to put in my face time too. I hope it goes well without any unfortunate comments from the FIL. Wish me luck. :) Ha ha. I hope everyone has a good day, I know it's kinda hard.

Best IVF Clinic

2008-05-06T15:12:00.005-04:00

Thanks Mel for posting my RE/clinic search request on Lost and Found. I'm looking for recomendations of awesome IVF clinics, primarily on the East Coast. So far, this is what I’ve found doing my own google research…

Weill Medical College of Cornell University, NY, NY -I’ve been told by a fellow blogger that uses Cornell that their embryology/andrology department is fantastic and their numbers are really good.

NYU Fertility Center, NY, NY -Also has fantastic numbers!

Shady Grove Fertility Reproductive Science Center, Rockville, MD -I don’t know much about this clinic, but they have good numbers and I'm from MD, so this would be easy to do.

Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine, Englewood, CO -Not on the East Coast, but their numbers are so amazing, I couldn’t discount them, and they were ranked number one a few years ago!

The Reproductive Medicine Group, Tampa, FL -I don't know much about this one either, but they are in the neighborhood. I just took another look at them thanks to Fertilized and they have good stats as well.

If anyone has any additions or opinions about my list, please feel free to make suggestions or comments.

Botanical Garden Field Trip

2008-05-05T20:26:00.012-04:00

I met up with Barb today for an awesome field trip. She invited me to go with her to the botanical gardens here in Orlando and it was beautiful! She even pointed out some of the birds that are migrating through Florida this time of year. Very cool, because I'm oblivious . :)

I'm ashamed to admit that I've lived in Orlando for three years and I've never been to the gardens before. What's worse, I lovvvve plants, so I have no excuse. Thanks Barb, for getting me out of the house and showing me such an awesome place. Here are some pictures from our beautiful day...

Time For a New RE?

2008-05-02T09:32:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I left another v-mail with the clinic making it clear that I am very unhappy with the way they are handling my money. I finally heard back from the Director of Finance just now.

She did apologize and explained that they have a new system, blah blah blah and this is not typical. But here's the kicker, I won't be seeing my $5,000+ for at least another week. I'll be lucky if I have it by next Friday.

She said that the clinic is now partners with Integra.med and they have to send all "claims" up to their corporate headquarters in NY for processing. Well, she hasn't even done that yet.

I am so angry with them right now. If that's the case, it will take nearly a full month to get my refund. What if I was planning on going to another clinic for treatment and needed the money? I'd be delayed just because their accounting department is a bunch of idiots.

I really wish there was something I could do about this, but I guess I have to sit back and take it. Thanks for letting me know that I'm not crazy for expecting better service.

______________________________

M thinks we should consider other clinics, big surprise. For some reason he thinks a clinic up north might be the answer. Maybe he's right, I need to keep my options open and look around for the best treatment we can afford. So far no one locally has been able to help me in any significant way. I don't know if I've given them a proper chance or not though. It's *only* been 15 months since I first started with them and I haven't done a proper IVF.

Would you change RE's at this point?

I don't know much about it, but Cornell keeps popping up as one of the best. It seems to be a go-to clinic for difficult patients. That said, I have a suspicion that they are very pricey and may not be a real option for us.

I've tried looking up the rankings, but haven't had much luck, I found one but it seemed a little out of date (2004 maybe). Let me know if you've come across a good list or have any recommendations.

Missing Money

2008-04-30T16:44:00.003-04:00

In case you're wondering, I'm alive. I just don't have much to report. Oh, I am kinda pissed at my RE's office. So I'll tell you about that.

As you may recall, my mini-stim IVF was cancelled March 29th. M and I went for the post IVF consult April 10th. At that time we were asked if we wanted a refund or if we wanted to leave the balance of our IVF money with them to use towards another round.

We weren't sure at that moment, as we hadn't had time to digest everything. We elected to leave the money with them until further notice.

Well, a few days later, the tax man came calling... remember April 15th? We ended up owing a good bit (bleh) due to my former contract position. That pretty much made up our minds for us and we decided we would like our money back. I called the main office and left a detailed message with the finance administrator that we do indeed want our money back.

A week went by and I didn't hear from her, but I thought maybe the check was in the mail. I called again and still no return call. So I called again (see a theme?) the next day and insisted that I speak to someone. The only information I was given was that it would be an additional 7-10 days. I never did speak to the woman in charge of finances!

I understand that it sometimes takes a while to get a check cut, but two and a half weeks? Geez. Tomorrow will be 9 days since the last conversation and I think I'm gonna call again if it doesn't appear in my mailbox. M is pretty annoyed about the situation, and I don't really blame him. I'm most upset that they never once returned a phone call or apologized for the poor communication.

I feel like once treatment fails or ends they could care less. I hope that's not true, but I'm frustrated with how difficult they're making this.

Game Over at CD32

2008-04-21T15:37:00.006-04:00

Game over, thanks for playing the extra long version. The past four or five days have been nerve racking, it’s hard to be so hopeful and optimistic and prepare for the inevitable let down at the same time. I’m sure if you’re reading this you understand exactly what I mean. On the bright side, at least I didn't need a date with PIO to get things moving in the right direction.

For the curious, I had one mojito on Friday. I might have one tonight too!
When you're cycling (excluding heavily medicated cycles like IVF/IUI of course), do you totally abstain from alcohol for your 2ww or do you not worry about it? My best friend thinks I shouldn't worry about it so much from here on out. She's probably right considering the 3% chance. :) Let me know your philosophy on this!

Yes or No, why is that so hard?

2008-04-18T12:43:00.004-04:00

I’ve been having a lot of mild cramping on and off for the past four days, which is a typical precursor to AF. Nothing odd about that, but I am missing one key ingredient…blood. So far there’s been nada, which is way out of the norm for me.

Today is CD 29, typically the longest my cycle runs is 28 days (26 days is average), so the witch should have made some sort of appearance by now. I wouldn’t be all that concerned if there was some spotting, but this is just too unusual.

I took two (but who’s counting) tests today, of course they were both decidedly negative. I’m beginning to fear a cyst is the cause of this confusion. Since I’m barely late, I know I should try to remain calm and wait until Monday before calling the nurse and insisting on some sort of test or scan.

Not surprisingly, I have plans to meet former co-workers for happy hour this evening immediately followed by another social function with friends. So I have to make the ridiculous decision to abstain from alcohol “just in case” or say fuck it, and enjoy myself. This sucks!

It Was Too Good to be True

2008-04-14T17:48:00.005-04:00

GAAAAHHHHH! My plan is not working.

I am so disappointed with the job offer. I went to my interview today, and it went fine as far as interviews go. I put down on my application that I’m all kinds of flexible, you know, so they’d want to hire me. I also stated that I’m looking for 30-40 hours, full time -right?

Well, they said that they can probably accommodate my request for hours, but that they don’t offer associates “full time”. That means I can work full time hours but I won’t have any benefits!!!

Translation: they want me to be their little bitch and work for nothing. Sounds great! I'm supposed to "keep in touch" and let them know what I decide.

WTF?! I can’t believe they can get away with that. I’ve never come across this practice, but I guess I’ve never been out job hunting with the express goal of insurance coverage. For me, retail is not a dream job. I can do it, and do it well (how hard is it to run a register and assist customers, I mean “guests”?) but I don’t love it, so without the key IVF benefit I’m not exactly all that interested.

So of course, you'd assume that I'm going to tell them to take a hike, right?

Well…maybe.

If I get all optomistic I can imagine that it’s possible I could work there for a few months and the part time/full time situation could change. I’m assuming there would be a 90 day waiting period before becoming eligible for benefits regardless of my employment status. So if I go work there for three months and by some twist of fate I’m able to switch to “full time” it wouldn’t have been a waste...I know, I know, it's a long shot.

Or I could be rational and forget it. I probably should keep looking for another company that covers IVF without the excessive game playing. I have a short list, but most are corporations that I wouldn’t necessarily be qualified to work for, it's hard to morph my Design background into other job sectors.

I guess the big question is…am I willing to take this job for a chance at the insurance that would give me a chance at having a baby sooner than later? I feel like if I’m not willing to do just about anything, than I must not want it bad enough which in turn makes me feel crazy. When is enough, enough?

I Have a Plan!

2008-04-12T21:11:00.002-04:00

In the spirit of moving forward, I have a plan. Nothing is definite, but I’m going to try to work for a company that offers IVF coverage. I applied on Friday and I have an interview set up for Monday, so if all goes well I’ll be on my way!

Unfortunately for me, it’s retail. Something I thought I left behind long ago. Not exactly a strategic career move, but if it helps with my goal of moving forward, I’ll suck it up.

Dr. B mentioned this specific place at the appointment last week so of course I googled it when I got home. From what I’ve read it does offer IF coverage because the company is based in Massachusetts. Of course I’m not 100% sure that it still does, but I’m going to find out! I’ve read conflicting info. regarding the coverage, one site says that they offer three tries and another more recent site says they only offer up to $15,000 total. The three tries would be unbelievably awesome, but I’ll still take the $15,000 if that’s it!

Wish me luck on this crazy plan! J

Change of Plans?!

2008-04-10T23:23:00.003-04:00

M and I went to the consult with Dr. B this afternoon. I was pleased with our chat, we talked for nearly an hour about why the mini-stim went south and what we could do in the future. He said the mini-stim gave him a lot of information about how my body responds to the medication.

We discussed the pros and cons of the different IVF protocols. We both agreed that antagonist sounds like the most fun ‘cause I’m officially classified with low ovarian reserve now. Dr. B said that with the endo and LOR, I have roughly 3% chance of conceiving on my own each month. Nice!

He gave me a pretty good rah-rah speech about how I should still be hopeful and at least I have my age on my side. He also told us that the way he sees it, we can choose to do up to 3 IVFs (ha!) then we should consider donor eggs or donor embryos. I was happy he put it on the table, I think we needed to hear that we have more options.

I also learned something that really surprised me, adopting donor embryos is way, wayyyy less expensive than doing anything else. It’s only around $1,500 an embryo compared with $15,000+ for donor eggs. Whoa, what a difference! I showed interest in that, but M’s reaction was a little more apprehensive. The biological tie is still important to him, and we’re just not there yet. It is however another thing to consider down the road.

We had originally planned to just keep moving forward. The thing is, we’re not really prepared to fork over the additional $8,000+ we need to move forward with the big IVF. Originally we thought we’d be okay with it, but M’s increasingly uncomfortable with the financial aspect. I tend to agree with M, but I’m frustrated at the prospect of waiting any longer. We’ll have to really go over all of our options before we make a proper decision.

We talked about taking a loan, but don’t think it’s a good idea at this time. We don’t really want any more debt, like good Americans, we have enough thank you. Of course if we knew the IVF would work, we’d do it without hesitation, but that would be a bitter pill to swallow if it failed. Still, it’s on the table for now.

So…that leaves us with just a few additional options. First, I can look for a job that offers health benefits with IVF included. Dr. B actually brought up the idea (one I’ve briefly pursued before) and is going to give me a list of places to consider. Have I mentioned how much I like him?

Another option is taking a long term break. I’m just not sure I'm truly up for it. It would be so much easier if we had at least one real IVF behind us so I wouldn’t have too many regrets or what-ifs. I’m not sure I’m ready to move on without that bit of closure, but like I mentioned in my last post, having my life back is awfully tempting.

Dr. B pointed out that I have 12 more years before I’m cut off from reproductive assistance. That helped put my situation into perspective, I still have some time. Obviously the odds of conceiving a biological child diminish with each passing year, but I’m still open to other options in the long run.

A lot to consider.

Is Child Free for Me?

2008-04-08T15:56:00.002-04:00

Lately, I’ve been feeling very disconnected from baby making. If I had to guess, it’s probably a way of coping with the disaster that was my first IVF. I think the realization that my body is truly uncooperative and that future IVF’s might not work is slowly being processed. I MIGHT NEVER GET PREGNANT! Also, I think M finally understands that IVF doesn’t guarantee us a baby or two.

I’m fairly certain that this is just a phase and I won’t always feel this calm and accepting. But while I am, I’m allowing myself to explore other options, and this is one of them. Living child free.

M and I actually talked about not having children, but only in passing. It’s as if it’s something we’re both contemplating but are afraid to talk about. In some ways it seems premature to really accept that option into our lives. After all, we haven’t even tried the big IVF yet.

But, that hasn’t stopped me from toying with the idea. When I think about accepting that I can’t have children I actually feel a great weight lifted off of me. That's a little scary in itself.

For the past year or two I’ve had some internal struggles with career and children and how to juggle the two. I’ve allowed my anticipation of getting pregnant keep me from pursuing career advancement with any real vigor. I keep telling myself not to bother getting overly involved because any month now, I’ll be pregnant and preparing to stay home for a few years.

If only I had known two and a half years ago what I know now, Ha!

Not trying to get pregnant would clearly remove most of the roadblocks I’ve placed. I would be free to re-evaluate how I see myself and what I expect of myself. For better or worse, my life would be more about career, money, and me & M. Instead of trying for children, we would be more self indulgent, traveling, going to parties, and planning a childless life. At least that’s how I imagine it.

Honestly, it sounds nice. Maybe that’s because I haven’t had a normal life for so long. I miss traveling, going out drinking, dancing, and having fun. Those things have been too few and far between while cycling. It always seems like I’m in the 2ww when something good comes up or we’re just flat broke from the treatments.

I still would love to get pregnant, but an end to this mess would be great too. I don’t want to spend any more years living half a life. At least that’s how I feel today.

Same RE

2008-04-02T09:43:00.002-04:00

I think everything is okay now. M and I had another talk about switching RE’s last night and I think he’s going to chill out a little. He understands that I don’t want to switch Drs. in the middle of treatment and start all over at a new place. I told him I understood his desire to switch, but I didn’t think it would help anything. Understandably he just wants results and was hoping that Dr. T could be the answer. He didn't realize how upset I was at the idea of going to a Dr. I don't like so much.

Hopefully next week’s visit with Dr. B will be positive and we’ll both be happy with our decision.

Assvice Needed

2008-04-01T13:38:00.004-04:00

I’m facing a small dilemma and could use some outside perspective.

M works with two nice women who’ve needed the help of an RE to become pregnant. Both started out with my Dr. B, but later changed to the other Dr. in town, Dr. T. When they changed RE’s they eventually got pregnant. One woman did IVF with success (twice) and the other did an IUI with success.

M is now urging me to switch to Dr. T. I understand the allure of switching, he is constantly being reminded of the success his coworkers have had (one is currently pregnant and the other just gave birth) and he wants the same for me. While I’m pleased for them, I don’t know that switching is going to help me. I think it’s more of “the grass is greener” situation.

To be fair to M, I’ve been to see Dr. T for a second opinion in the past year, mostly because M’s co-workers were singing his praises. Dr. T has many devoted patients, but overall I was not impressed with his approach, he bashed my Femara/IUI protocol and seemed to be in favor of aggressively using injectibles with IUI (not something I’m interested in). M kindly let me make the decision to stay with Dr. B without too much difficulty.

Just to let you know, both Drs. are very experienced, have great credentials and both have won numerous awards. Both work at respected practices in Orlando, so there's not much difference.

Personally, I would like to continue seeing Dr. B. I’m most comfortable with him and his staff, I like the location of his office and really don’t want to change horses mid stream. I’ve conveyed all of this to M, but he is still interested in switching. As he put it, he only cares about results.

I’m getting frustrated with him and his coworkers, I appreciate that they’re there for him, but he’s regularly coming home with pieces of assvice. I have to bite my tongue and explain that I don’t have the same problems as these women so their treatment won’t necessarily work for me!

I’ve researched the hell out of IF in general, so there’s not a whole lot I don’t already understand. When I express my frustration about this, he gets upset because “they’re just trying to help”. Gahhh! He came home last night with a flyer given to him for a meeting Dr. T is speaking at, just in case we wanted to attend. I didn't know what to say.

What I’d really like to do is call up his coworkers and kindly ask them to stop pushing Dr. T down our throats and stop giving M the impression that we aren’t doing this right. It’s hard enough to have to go through this without being told we’re doing it wrong. Of course they have their babies and we have nothing, so I guess they're going to win this argument everytime.

What do I do? Should I just cave and see the Dr. I don’t like to make everyone else happy?

Disappointed but Okay

2008-04-01T12:40:00.003-04:00

Thank you all for your sweet thoughts.

I'm still disappointed, but I realize that it was a semi-experimental (for me) mini-stim so I’m trying to keep it in perspective. I still have hope that the big IVF can work for me.

Also, this is lame, but I’ve found a silver lining to this failure. If all had gone perfectly, my due date would’ve been Dec. 24th (yes, I’m guilty of playing with the due date calculators). I know many people wouldn’t care, but I think having a Christmas birthday would be awful. So I made a plan in the event that this scenario unfolded. I would throw a half birthday party in June, but now I don’t have to worry about it. Told you it was lame.

Right now, the hardest part is shifting gears, going from daily injections on a schedule with regular office visits to absolutely nothing, nada, zilch. Since I declined to do another IUI we’ve been left to our own devices for the rest of the month.

I’m ready to move forward, but I don’t know what comes next. The IVF nurse just called this morning and scheduled a post IVF consult for April 10th. I’m guessing it will also work as another final IVF consult. At least it’s only 9 days away, I can handle that.

In case you’re wondering if I’m upset with Dr. B for suggesting that I go for the mini-stim first, I’m not really. He explained all of our options and let us chose. We carefully weighed the pros and cons and *I* made the final decision. Objectively, I don’t see this much differently than trying injectibles with IUI before moving on to IVF. It was just one more option before pulling out the big guns.

Not to mention that I’m probably a difficult patient to treat in the sense that there isn’t much to treat. I do have mild endo (and there isn’t really a fix for that) but statistically it shouldn’t keep me from getting pregnant in the long run. Ha Ha Ha! But seriously, I have regular cycles, I always seem to ovulate, my lining is always good, I’ve had good responses to the oral drugs, I’m not over weight (but I’d love to lose 10lbs), and my hormones have been normal until the recent FSH spike. With all of these positives on my side I’ve never once gotten pregnant. I don’t know what he could do that he hasn’t already or isn’t going to.

In case I’ve given the wrong impression, I’m still scared that it’s too late. I can’t help but worry that my body is closing the baby making factory early and no amount of drugs will help.

IVF #1 Cancelled

2008-03-29T08:30:00.003-04:00

It’s not exactly unexpected, but disappointing none the less. My first attempt at IVF was canceled this morning. I’ve responded horribly to the medication. Again there wasn’t much to see, there was one decent sized follicle on my right and another on my left. One of those had “echoes” and the Dr. doing rounds in the office this morning said it probably wouldn’t contain an egg. So I really only have one follicle to speak of.

I’m frustrated because I’ve had better responses with Femara. I thought Follistim would be stronger or do more for me. I guess ovarian discomfort doesn’t correlate with ovarian production. If it did, I wouldn’t have only one freakin’ follicle. Gaahhhh!

As the nurse kindly pointed out, now they know more about how my body responds. I guess that’s a good thing.

I tried to pump her for information, you know, the where do we go from here sort of stuff. Unfortunately, she couldn’t really answer that for me, although she confirmed that I probably will go in for a second FINAL IVF CONSULT with Dr. B.

The nurse said she’d call me this afternoon with the results of my labs (as if it matters anymore) and I guess instructions. I have the option to convert this to an IUI but I’m not even optimistic about that. What’s the point of wasting more money and medication on one egg?

I know that sounds horrible, but I’ve already done 6 IUI’s with nothing to show for it. I don’t expect this to be any different. I just want to move on to the big IVF now that I’ve proven that mini-stim doesn’t work for me.

I’m going to go crawl back into bed with M, and give him the news. I feel bad telling him because he’ll be disappointed, he was so optimistic. I feel like I let him down, again.

Slow Start

2008-03-27T09:04:00.005-04:00

I’m a little disappointed. I was hoping for a definitive scan this morning, either good news or bad news. It was just blah. The nurse had a hard time finding follicles…not a good sign in my book. She was able to track down one decent size follicle on my right and maybe another small one. The left was no better, nothing substantial, just the hint of two, maybe three small follicles. My nurse called in a back-up nurse just to double check, but she didn’t have any more luck.

Apparently I’m a slow starter. The nurse told me not to give up, that things could really take off in the next few days. I really hope she’s right. I was hoping for at least five follicles to make their presence known, so maybe next time they’ll cooperate.

On the bright side, my lining is looking cushy, which supposedly means my estrogen level should be good. The back-up nurse said my E2 should be near 300, so at least I know what they want to see.

Maybe I'm being too negative, but I want to be prepared for a cancellation, or the possibility of converting to an IUI.

I’ll update this afternoon when I get my results from this morning.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update

Okay, I'm thinking I’m off to a really slow start. My E2 today is 155, not quite the 300 they mentioned this morning. Add that to my sad follicle count and I’m not feeling very optimistic. I have another blood draw and scan early Saturday morning.

Low E2?

2008-03-24T18:28:00.002-04:00

I had my first blood work of the cycle today. My results are just so, so.

My E2 is an underwhelming 37.1. I don’t know if that’s really bad or not, but I do know it’s low. I have to up my Follistim to 150 for the next few days until my next blood test/ultrasound on Thursday. I was hoping for Wednesday, but I guess I’ll have to be patient. Gah!

I’m a little fearful that I’m going to be canceled for poor response. I suppose I’m feeling a little pessimistic after today’s results, I was hoping for great numbers out of the gate.

I’m hoping that if I’m going to be canceled, I’ll find out on Thursday. I don’t want to waste any more drugs than necessary if it’s all going to be a bust.

If anyone has any insight about day 3-4 E2 numbers, fill me in. I couldn’t find much on what it should be, except that higher numbers, like 80-100 seemed to be the norm. I realize that lower numbers probably should be expected, as I’m not trying to stimulate a large number of follicles, but still. Could this cycle turn around or is it doomed?

First Injection

2008-03-22T15:55:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was cd 1 and I did my first injection. I should revise that, M gave me my first injection. Not only did he administer, but he mixed the drugs as well. I am so glad I have him, he’s so good at the stuff I’m chicken-shit about.

When I’m nervous, all rational thought seems to leave my mind, so I would have been a mess trying to make sure I didn’t miss a step. The shot itself wasn’t too bad, but like everyone else has mentioned, the Follistim stings going in, and for a while after. I haven’t the courage to try taking the injection in the belly, we’ve always stuck to the outer thigh (excuse the pun). Maybe after a few nights, my legs won’t appreciate anymore and we’ll change sites.

I’m having some side effects, but I don’t know exactly to what. The strange thing is I began feeling really tired/exhausted when I stopped taking the BCP last week. I don’t know why, maybe the sudden change in hormones? But it hasn’t gone away and I think it’s getting worse. I took a nap last night before dinner, slept a good 9+ hours last night and then took another nap this afternoon.

I’m not enjoying this lack of energy, it’s not allowing me to get things done that I’d like. I have a carrot cake to make for tomorrow but I can’t seem to get my butt off the couch. I’m not going to worry about it too much though, I just want to take care of myself, so if my body needs rest, I’m going to give it rest.

I know it’s early, but I wish I was getting scanned on Monday, not just b/w. I’d like an antral follicle count just to have an idea of how things might turn out. But alas, they don’t have any plans for me until around Wednesday.

Not much else to chat about, so have a Happy Easter!

Seriously?

2008-03-21T09:43:00.005-04:00

I was at the grocery store last night and happened upon a copy of People, the one with J. Lo on the cover, perfectly coifed holding her perfect boy-girl twins. I had heard earlier in the day that she is claiming that she did not use any treatments to get pregnant with them! So I just had to pick up a copy of the magazine and see for myself. This is what I found.

People: Can you set the record straight about how challenging it was to conceive?

Jennifer: Sure. It was natural. We didn’t do in vitro, which I know was reported. Everybody assumed that because we had twins. I wanted to have a baby, but I’ve always said exactly what I said all those years they asked us since we’ve been married: “Well, when are you guys gonna have some kids?” “When it happens naturally, I guess!” And that’s when it happened. It was a surprise to us.

People: Were you ever worried it might not happen?

Jennifer: You start getting older, you think to yourself, maybe (having kids) is just not meant for me. I knew there was nothing wrong with me. I knew that I could. Deep down, I really wanted it badly.

Marc: It never even entered my mind that it would never happen.

Jennifer: (turning to Marc) Really? Even after one year, two years, three years…You know, you start thinking to yourself, “Well, maybe…”

Marc: No! When you think about it, you only have a small amount of time each month when you can. So you try and you have 12 shots a year.

Does anyone believe what Jennifer Lopez is claiming? Seriously!? Okay, I know it’s possible, but at her age, 38 and after three years of marriage, is she really trying to say she didn’t see an RE?

We’re talking about a highly successful women who is used to making things happen. She has major resources at her disposal and she didn’t seek help after say, two years? Really? Not even a little Clomid or an IUI or two?

The other thing that gets me, is that she claims to know that “nothing (is) wrong with me.” Say what? Is she saything that tried naturally for three years at the age of 35 without a care in the world? Yet she “wanted it badly”. How many women out there are so confident that there is nothing wrong after trying for three years that they're willing to wait patiently for that door to close? I don’t buy it!

There’s a little more suspicious banter in the magazine interview…

People: So how did you find out you were expecting?

Jennifer: I was in Portugal, performing and dancing my a—off…

Marc: We were on the phone, and I said “Baby, I have a sense!”

Jennifer: I said, “You think I am?” because it had been so long. When I came back, I took a test. I couldn’t believe it! I was like, “Can we get another test, please?”

Again, What? Does anyone have a husband just spontaneously call them to tell them they're probably pregnant? Okay, I guess it could happen, but Marc's the one that suspected, after a natural cycle, not Jennifer? That story just screams IVF to me. I know my husband isn't all that tuned into my cycle unless we're doing something like IUI, and even then...

But what do I know? I suppose it’s none of our (my) business how she comes by her beautiful babies. But, it would be nice to have a little more honesty about treatment from celebrities. I wish more women were out there explaining how difficult it can be, why it’s important to seek treatment, that it’s not something to be embarrassed about. It would probably do a world of good for the general public to be exposed to IF now and again. It would probably make my life easier when talking to others about treatment if they had something to reference.

Guinea Pig?

2008-03-18T23:36:00.008-04:00

Did I say I was doing the big IVF? What I meant to say is we’re doing the mini-stim just for fun.

Let me explain. Today was the FINAL IVF CONSULT, which I find a little funny. Why is it refered to as final at the start of IVF? I certainly hope it’s not the last time Dr. B discusses our IVF options with us. Wishful thinking on the Clinic's part?

Anyway, M and I were in the exam room when Dr. B and the IVF nurse came in for the mock transfer. He said “we’re doing mini-stim, right?” Well, I was a little surprised and said "uh, no, you recommended the big IVF as the not-fucking-around-anymore solution." Okay, I didn’t say that exactly, but almost. I then proceeded to remind him of our previous discussions via his nurse and e-mail. I think he remembered me then, or at least he pretended to.

After much thoughtfulness on his part, Dr. B reversed his previous decisions and decided right there on the spot that age is more important than high FSH, so mini-stim is indeed a good idea. His reasoning is, since I’ve never had any experience with injectibles, I might do just fine with a low dose.

Yes, I too am impressed with the years of medical school and research it took to come up with this plan of action. A bold move.

We discussed and agonized for about 10 minutes between the four of us. I know how M feels (less $ makes him happy), and Dr. B made a fairly compelling argument about my age and more opportunities yada-yada-yada. So mini-stim it is. Clearly this is a big ol’ experiment with moi starring as the guinea pig.

Regardless of which IVF road we go down, it will be a big experiment, so the less painful, less expensive version won today. Did we make the right choice? Gah! I have no idea.

Plan B is…If I don’t respond well to the stims, my cycle will be canceled and I will only be out some medication (what’s a few thousand dollars?!). Dr. B will then have a good idea of how my body responds to the drugs and will hopefully be better equipped to treat me if a big IVF is required. At least that's what he said.

Part of me feels like I was tricked into changing my mind, after all, I had already come to terms with needing the big IVF and thought the benefits of extra embryos (if I was lucky) to freeze was worth it. On the other hand, not using gallons of injectibles is enticing, not to mention the smaller price tag.

In case you’re curious, here’s my protocol for now:

No more BCP’s, I only had about four days left, so I get to stop a little early. Yayyy

Friday I start 75 IU’s of Follistim and 75 IU’s of Menopur once a day. They get mixed together so I only have one injection. Also, M and I both start antibiotics and I take a low dose aspirin daily.

Monday I have blood work. After that, I’ll just have to wait and see, but there’s not much more to it than that, at least for now.

Much Better!

2008-03-14T17:58:00.005-04:00

Ahhhh, I’m hoping it’s not short lived, but I’m feeling much, much better. I no longer want to harm others. Maybe M can attempt to give me a hug without the fear of bodily harm.

I’ve been going back and forth between excitement and trepidation about the upcoming IVF. This might actually work. Of course I try to temper those thoughts with the knowledge that it most likely won’t. Okay, I’m not sure if that’s true, but I have to tell myself that there’s a big chance that this is going to bomb, you know, so I won’t be crushed when it doesn’t. (Who am I kidding!!?)

But what if it doesn’t bomb?

Then I start freaking at the thought of how a baby will change our lives. The thing is, when we were just having sex it was so much easier to pretend that having a baby is no big deal. People do it all the time, right? (Yeah, yeah, I know!) It would just happen and life would go on and we would be happy!

But now that we’re about to spend big bucks and I’m going to stab myself with sharp little needles, there’s no “letting it happen” involved. It’s very calculated which means I have to really, really want this.*

Which of course leads me to think… do I really, really want this?! Do I want to go to this much effort and discomfort? We have a nice life right now. We can do whatever we want whenever we want (within reason). Sometimes I think it would be fun to live like this forever. But I also know we would be sad if we didn’t have a family together.

I feel like I’m standing in line to ride a roller coaster. The longer I wait, the scarier it becomes. If I could just get this ride over with, I would probably be glad I got on. But right now, it seems like the craziest thing a person could do…in more ways than one.

So of course the answer is yes, I do want a family, but it’s just scary to think so long and hard about it.

Did I mention I don’t do roller coasters?

*For some reason, the 6 IUI's didn't seem like a big deal, it was just extra help. There wasn't all that much money and drugs involved and we were still having sex! Is it just me, or did that sound kind of dirty?

I Am Such A Bitch!

2008-03-11T21:02:00.003-04:00

If you’re wondering, I’ve been missing mostly because I’ve felt like a raving lunatic for the last week or so. I fully blame the BCP’s for the hormonal imbalance. I often have some trouble adjusting to the pill, but these have been especially difficult. So I’ve been using avoidance as the safest way of protecting those around me!

Thanks Barb for checking in on me. Sorry I haven’t been very good at e-mails lately.

The short list of complaints includes the always fabulous sensation of needing to cry, general annoyance at everyone in my immediate vicinity, nausea, tiredness, headache, and a general feeling of malaise. Good times. I think some of the symptoms are compounded by seasonal allergies, it’s spring here in Orlando.

My biggest concern is, if I’m such a mess on the BCP, what’s the Lupron etc. going to do to my body? I feel like I should lock myself away as it is. Poor M.

I suppose I don't have to wait too long. My final IVF consult is next Tuesday morning and I expect I’ll start Lupron or whatever soon after. I only have a week and a half left in my BCP, thank goodness.

I’ve still been checking in on other blogs, even if I’m not commenting.

And just because I can, I’m going to bitch about how much it sucks to have an uber fertile SIL.

My only SIL (the one I really don’t like) is having a Christening for her THIRD baby in five years. And yes, you are correct in assuming that I am bitter. Well I just got finished buying gifts to send up and it put me in a foul mood. Normally I wouldn’t mind, but it just sucks to be reminded that she is good at having babies and I’m not.

Fortunately, we are not flying to NY to attend, because there is no way I could put on a happy face in my hormonal condition. But of course we couldn’t get off that easily. We were given a very hard time about not attending by M’s dad. He just couldn’t wrap his mind around the idea that we are busy (actually M is really busy with work, me not so much) and cannot take time out of OUR lives to attend another one of his daughters events (this will be the first time we’re not there). Did I mention this is the same sister that didn’t come to M’s college graduation or our wedding?

One day at lunch he repeatedly asked me why we weren’t attending the Christening. It ended up becoming a big argument with M coming to my rescue and telling him that it’s none of his business and that we already gave a good reason. I wasn’t about to tell him about the upcoming IVF cycle and that I didn’t want the extra stress of a visit to one of my least favorite people to see her new baby as well as his cousins new baby.

Acupuncture Anyone?

2008-03-04T15:31:00.008-05:00

To acupuncture or not to acupuncture, that is the question.

I first started acupuncture mostly because it offered another option we hadn't tried and a bit of hope. I think M was counting on this low cost (by comparison) treatment fixing me right up so we could forget all about IVF.

My acupuncturist, D was nice enough and told me how he had helped lots of other women become pregnant and that everything would be okay. He has all the qualifications the state of FL requires (and FL has some of the strictest requirements in the U.S.).

I filled out the ridiculously long patient history form and described in detail my period. Clots, color and all. I think he knows more about my period than my gyn-y or RE! I began frequent treatments at first, nearly every day, then just twice a week.

D’s goal was to regulate my period, than he said everything else would fall into place. The thing is, I have fairly regular cycles, 25 days-28 days. But whatever. He didn’t like that my periods only lasts 2-3 days not a full 5 so he set about changing that.

Well, five months and about $2000 later, my cycle had not budged and my bleeding was basically the same. If there was any improvement, it was miniscule. D would ask for a full report each cycle and proclaim that I was improving. Um, how? The way I see it, it's an all or nothing scenario. Either you get pregnant or you don't, so I wasn't all that impressed.

Not to mention that I absolutely did not enjoy being poked with little needles, those suckers hurt if they hit a nerve and that happened about every other visit. I don't know if that's normal!?

If you’ve been following along, you’ve read all about my high FSH drama. I dropped out of acupuncture (not that I needed much of an excuse) at this time. I explained to D what I’d just found out and he encouraged me to seek treatment with western medicine. No reassurance was given that he could help correct this problem or that maybe acupuncture was responsible in some roundabout way for my most recent fertility road bump.

I spoke with my mom about the situation and she in turn spoke with a friend that is way into acupuncture and eastern medicine. This friend is a strong believer and has had much success treating his own MS with this sort of thing. He believes that it is possible to affect FSH both positively and negatively with acupuncture.

I spoke with D again and told him about this theory and he totally dismissed it. I don’t know who’s right, but I’m not planning on doing acupuncture with D anymore. I just can’t risk that he’s causing more harm than good, especially from someone who doesn’t show confidence in his own treatment.

I’ve tried to do as much research on acupuncture as the good Dr. Google allows. I’ve read everything from acupuncture is a sham to it seriously helps with IVF. My (former) acupuncturist also gave me a book called Acupuncture and IVF. This book claims that it can improve IVF’s success by as much as 40-60%. Now that’s something I’d love to buy into, but I’m a skeptic.

So, here is my question, should I pursue acupuncture with someone else for my upcoming IVF cycle?

Update: Decision Made

2008-02-29T17:26:00.005-05:00

Okay, so I finally heard back from my favorite nurse, whom I think I will imaginatively call Favorite Nurse. I figured I was being impatient, because she called me an hour after I started to freak, which is 30 minutes after the office closes. She’s so sweet, she said she’d never forget to call me. Awwwww.

So, she spoke with Dr. B and he is recommending the regular-old-fashioned-lots-of-needles-pump-me-full-of-drugs-IVF. M and I have already discussed our options and have come to the conclusion that it’s probably for the best. If my high FSH is an indicator, we might not want to mess around much longer.

Favorite Nurse reiterated this when we spoke on the phone. She also confirmed my fears that I am now ineligible to do Shared Risk. Damn you high FSH! The only way I’m eligible is if I use donor eggs. She politely told them no thanks, that I’m not there yet!

So…I have to run to CVS and pick up my BCP’s which I start tonight. I am stupidly excited to be starting the pill. It’s just that I’m finally moving on, there’s hope on the horizon.

My Drs. Practice has two offices. The main office is near-by (about 15 min. away) and the satellite office is a little further out (about 30 min. away). I started going to the satellite office in the beginning because I worked across the street from it. I bounce between the two depending on which is most convenient at the time or which one is open. The main office, which has 4 Drs. (including Dr. B) is very busy. The satellite office is smaller with only Dr. B working it p/t so I know everyone well (and just as important, they know me), including Favorite Nurse.

After the frustration of not receiving prompt phone calls and just feeling lost in the shuffle at the main office, I’m going to make the drive to see Favorite Nurse from now on. I think the extra time and gas money is well worth better care, especially if we’re going to be forking over huge sums of money.

I’m nervous, but excited to be moving on. I know there’s no guarantee that IVF will work, but it’s our best hope for now. I just have to call on Monday to schedule my final IVF consult, oh and figure out how to pay for everything!

No Real Decision

2008-02-29T13:22:00.003-05:00

Still no real decisions made yet. I thought for sure I’d have an answer now that I’ve repeated the FSH test. I took it on day 2 this time, so there is no reason for me to worry about its validity.

I went in on Wednesday morning, and was told to check the e-mark voicemail for my results that afternoon. I’m surprised I didn’t crash the system calling so often. I was pissed when I didn’t get my results the same day.

I decided to wait until 12pm the next day to call the office, just in case they were slow getting the results or leaving the message. I thought maybe the nurse was waiting to discuss my results with Dr. B before phoning me with some sort of decision.

Well, no call or voicemail by 12pm, so I called and left a message for Dr. B’s nurse to call me with my results -please. So I waited, and waited, and waited. At about 5pm, I finally got a call from my favorite nurse. She apologized for the mixup and gave me my results, which were just okay.

My FSH is 9.9 this month. So, technically it’s within the normal range, but barely if 10 is the cutoff. She was very optimistic, and said not to worry too much.

I discussed my concerns with her about the day the previous test was taken, and she confirmed that taking the test on day 4 would not have skewed the results that much. She couldn’t offer any explanation for why my FSH has seemingly jumped so much in a years time. Although I have a small theory.

I also asked her what she thought I would end up doing? The real deal, or the mini-IVF? She said she wasn’t sure, but she thought I might need more meds to stimulate so that I would end up with the regular old IVF.

I even brought up my concerns about finances with her. I love her, because she gets it. She understood immediately that we’re in limbo waiting for a course of action, and that we can’t plan financially without knowing.

She couldn’t offer any real solutions, but at least she gets it.

I know that we need to plan for a full IVF. It just makes more sense to go the safest route when so much money and emotional energy is involved. I’d love to be brave and take my chances with the mini-stim and prove that it can work just as well for women with high FSH. But I don’t want to take the financial hit if it fails. I also don’t want to think “what if” because we weren’t aggressive enough.

I’m waiting impatiently for another call from one of the nurses. I hate the days of waiting, I feel like I can’t get anything done. I’m so easily side tracked, wondering when the phone is going to ring, what the news is going to be. I know I should try to keep busy so the day will go by faster, but I can’t do it.

I start to worry that they’ve forgotten about me or that they didn’t get my message. The office usually starts returning phone calls in the afternoon, sometimes after the office has closed and they’ve switched the phones over. That makes me so nervous, what if they did forget me this time and I have to wait a whole month more. Gah!

I want to call right now, and make sure that they didn’t forget, take charge of the situation. But of course I don’t want to be annoying or be one of those patients that piss’s off the staff. What's a girl to do?

IVF?

2008-02-20T22:22:00.005-05:00

I'm just waiting around. Today is cd 20, so I have anywhere from 8-10 days before I can repeat the day 3 FSH test. This is almost as bad as a 2ww! I'm dying to know what's going to happen next. Can you say impatient?

I caught an online broadcast that discusses infertility today. I tuned in because my very own Dr. B was the guest and the topic was of all things, mini-stim IVF. I was happy to hear more on the topic in general, there just isn't much out there.

It sounds like my clinic may be moving towards using less drugs in general. Dr. B said that they have higher success rates with fewer drugs. They're not entirely sure why, but think that higher quality eggs result therefore better quality embryos are created.

That said, he gave an example of when he would not recommend using the mini-stim protocol... if a 31 year old has a day 3 FSH of 14. He would want to use more drugs to stimulate. Well, I'm 30 and have a day 3 FSH of 11.9. Damn.

He did say that some Drs. still believe that mini-stim is appropriate for women in my situation, going back to the theory that quality over quantity is the ultimate goal. But he said that not enough scientific data has been produced to back that theory up. Hmmmm...do I want to help prove this theory?

I also looked up the shared risk plan. The idea being that you pay a lump sum larger than one IVF (around $18,000) but you get three IVF's and three frozen transfers. If it doesn't work you get 70% of your money back. It's great if you need a couple of tries, but not as great if you get pregnant on the first try. But that's a risk I think I'd take, because the downside is a baby.

Well, due to my abnormally high FSH, I won't qualify for that anymore. Unless we can some how make that test invalid (assuming that I have normal results next time), I'm going to have to look at other options to help finance, especially if we do the big IVF.

I guess I'll know something next week.

Generous Friend

2008-02-18T14:08:00.007-05:00

As I've mentioned before, I was sad and pathetic after learning about my FSH results.

Naturally, I called my best friend, K (whom I've known since middle school) to share my bad news. Like always, she was so sweet and said all the right things to comfort me.

This time she went above and beyond friendship. She offered the most generous gift ever, her eggs.

Now, I know this isn't the sort of thing to take lightly. I'm aware that there are a slew of moral, legal, and psychological issues that would need to be considered before dragging her off for a visit with Dr. B.

For those reasons, I'm not even sure I would ever take her up on the offer.

Although...she is the perfect donor, we're the same height, weight, coloring, etc. No one would ever know that I'm not the biological mother if we did go down this road.

Serious issues aside, I can't tell you what a relief it is to have a backup plan. I feel like no matter what happens, she has my back. I can't believe how lucky I am to have such a wonderful friend.

Tyra Banks outdoes Oprah!

2008-02-18T13:51:00.006-05:00

I just recorded and watched the Tyra Banks show on infertility. Or as they called it, “Motherhood At Any Cost”. For what it’s worth, the show wasn’t half bad. I think they did a decent job (considering the type of show) of discussing the general concept of IF treatment and the emotional toll involved.

For anyone who didn’t get a chance to see the show, I’ll go over the basics. They brought on a quasi-celebrity couple to share their infertility struggles. Not that it should make a difference, but when celebrities speak on an issue, it gets more attention so I think it was a bonus.

The couple, Trista and Ryan from “The Bachelorette” didn’t discuss in great detail what they went through. They just did an overview of the whole process from difficulties with conception to a difficult pregnancy/delivery.

I was happy that Trista was well versed (unlike Alexis Stewart on Oprah) and used words like hysterosalpingogram when discussing the treatment she went through.

Trista and Ryan also mentioned the emotional difficulties they endured with infertility. They discussed how shocking it was to have their near perfect lives go off track.

Ryan also admitted that having sex on a schedule for two years wasn’t as fun as it might sound. It’s been my experience that most people think a man would be happy to perform on a schedule, because it’s guaranteed sex, and hey, what man wouldn’t want that. Those folks aren’t thinking about how stressful it can become if one person isn’t in the mood, or doesn’t feel well, or even worse has to be out of town making that month a missed opportunity.

I was happy that the show brought to light the commonness of infertility. I was also pleased that “just adopt” was never uttered or the desire to have children (biological or adopted) was never looked down upon! That alone put's Tyra's show a step above Oprah's shows on IF.

Unfortunately, the show did go off track with a ridiculous ‘Jerry Springer’ guest. The offensive woman was having unprotected sex to become pregnant against the wishes of her boyfriend…stupid. Since that had nothing to do with infertility, I’m going to pay it no mind.

Endometriosis (my specialty) seemed to be the common theme. I was happy to see it discussed, but thought the show could have been better rounded. PCOS, low ovarian reserve, or maybe male infertility could have been brought up as additional factors. The ill-informed masses might get the impression that endo is the only disease causing IF, but then again it was only an hour long show.

Also, the different methods of treatment weren’t fully explained, although most were mentioned at some point. They did speak of sperm banks, IUI (referred to as artificial insemination) and adoption in a very positive light.

A couple in the audience stood up and discussed not only the difficulties in conceiving due to endometriosis, but the financial burden pursuing IVF is and through tears how difficult it is to lose not one, but two pregnancies. The shocker is that they shared with the world that they just found out she is pregnant again. Whoa.

Another guest, a 29 year old single woman explained that she has severe endometriosis which has required multiple surgeries. She is aware that her window of opportunity is closing and that if she doesn’t act now, she may never have a biological child. To the disappointment of some of her family, she is pursuing IUI with donor sperm in hopes of conceiving before it’s too late.

It may be a bit dramatic on its face (which is why, I'm sure she was chosen as a guest), but it brings to the forefront the difficulties facing women who are affected with a disease that causes infertility. Tyra applauded her for being so aggressive in going after what she wants, another contrast to the ‘O’ mentality of letting go.

The last guest was the founder of Conceive magazine, Kim Hahn (she adopted after several IVF attempts). She briefly went over when ovulation normally occurs in a cycle and the fact that women’s fertility declines as she ages. She even mentioned FSH as an indicator of ovarian reserve and egg quality. Whoa, real factual information.

The final moments featured a woman who (I think) works on the Tyra Banks Show, showing off her brand new baby through adoption.

So overall, I was pleased with the tone of the show. They focused mostly on the positives and showed women (and couples) as normal people dealing with a difficult medical condition. Not as crazy, pathetic or selfish.

Way to go Tyra Banks! (I can't believe I just wrote that, ha ha)

FSH Results

2008-02-13T15:57:00.004-05:00

So I'm nearly done the pre-IVF gauntlet. I had the final blood draw to test my FSH last week. As I mentioned before, that was the last test required before beginning the FINAL IVF CONSULT!
That's when we’ll meet again with Dr. B for a scan, mock transfer and to solidify my protocol. Oh, and how could I forget, I'll learn how to give myself injections!

As luck would have it, it wasn't so simple. My period threatened to start on Friday afternoon, which would make day 3 Sunday (not normal business hours at the office). I called the nurse and explained the situation. She was a doll and said that I could come in on Sunday, but if my period started “full flow” after 6pm, to consider Saturday day one.

If only it were that easy. Late Friday afternoon, I started full flow for about five minutes and then stopped for the rest of the evening. That night, around 1am I really started. So I just counted Saturday as day one and did my blood work on Monday.

It dawned on me last Wednesday to check my medical voicemail (my Drs. Office has a nifty retrieval system for passing along messages from the nurse) for results of the blood work.

Everything is okay except for one thing. My FSH is… 11.9! WTF? Check this out if you are wondering what a normal day 3 FSH should be. Yeah, it's that bad.

I still can’t believe my bad dream might be coming true! I don’t know for sure what my previous FSH was, but I think it was nice and low, I went back through my medical history and found a FSH result of 4.1 from a year ago.

In the message the nurse mentioned that 11.9 is high (you think?) and that it indicates low ovarian reserve. She also said that it’s good that I’m preparing to do IVF.

I was (and am) in disbelief, so of course I turned to Dr. Google for some answers. What I found was not very reassuring. It all but said that I was screwed. Donor Eggs is a hot topic among women with an FSH above 10!!! Seriously, I’m only 30, how could I be running out of eggs? How could my numbers plummet in just one year’s time?

Naturally, I freaked the hell out and then called the nurse back. By the time she returned my call I was in a near panic. She was so calm and vague about the whole deal that it was only making me crazier. I kept asking her if it’s as bad as I think it is and she would only say that it indicates low ovarian reserve. I then asked her if I would still be doing mini-stim IVF or if that was off the table.

She talked with Dr. B and called me back an hour later. Basically he told her to tell me that mini-stim is still a possibility, but he would like to re-test my day 3 FSH. Unfortunately that wasn't really reassuring, and I had more questions than answers.

Barring a mistake at the lab, from what I’ve read, retesting doesn’t really make a difference. It’s possible to get lower results, but the highest numbers are often considered the most accurate snap shot of ovarian reserve. Even if my numbers come in nice and low how will I know which test to believe?

I e-mailed Dr. B that night, to ask him the above questions in hope of some concrete answers, and he wrote back that it’s possible the lab made a mistake, or that the test was taken too late in my cycle. Okay, maybe it was a mistake. But I have a hard time believing that half a day would make such a big difference; it’s not as if I took the test on day 6 or 8. It was day 3 and a half -maybe.

But he’s the Dr. so I’m going to wait another two weeks and take the test again. Gah! Dr. B also wrote that I might want to consider regular IVF if the numbers come back high again, but that we can discuss all of the options at the Final IVF consult.

Now that the news has settled in, I'm doing okay. But those first few days were awful. I just couldn't believe that I’d heard the message correctly. I should know better by now, but I still can’t believe this is happening.

I hate how one little test can overturn all of our plans. The Drs. Office is treating it as a simple change in protocol. It seems to me that they’re missing the bigger picture, at least from our perspective. For them it is a simple change of protocol, but for us it’s a difference of $6,000 or more. Not exactly pocket change and sad to say, money is a big factor in the decisions we make about treatment.

I think we really need to hammer out a game plan before I get back in the stirrups. I just don't know how to go about that right now.

First Steps to IVF

2008-02-13T15:44:00.004-05:00

I have tried pretty much everything to get pregnant except IVF. Admittedly, I haven’t used injectables with IUI, but Dr. B wasn’t convinced that it would make a difference. We decided that if we’re going to spend the money for the drugs, we might as well go all in.

I also have a fear of injectables with IUI working too well, and becoming pregnant with HOM’s. While, like many, I would be happy to have twins, anything more would be pretty insane.

That said, M and I had a consultation with Dr. B about two weeks ago. Because of my age and overall good reproductive health, we were given the option of doing mini stim IVF.

As Dr. B explained it to me, it would be the same as regular IVF, just without the Lupron suppression leading in. I would still do the BCP’s and the stimulating drugs, and of course retrieval. Because I wouldn’t need as much medication, the cost would be much less. Yayyyy.

Sounds great, right? The catch is, I won’t produce an abundance of follicles. It’s likely that the number would be less than five. I know, many women have done regular IVF with similar results and gotten pregnant, so it isn’t all that bad.

All the same, my concern is there might not be enough to work with. Or there might be one or two eggs that fertilize, but I won’t have anything to freeze if it doesn’t work, and I'll have to start from scratch. Obviously, like anything else, it’s a calculated risk.

It’s a hard decision. Dr. B says that it might take up to three tries, just like regular IVF but he’s confident that it will work. The odds are supposedly in my favor...I wonder if that’s what they all say?!

Mini-stim costs a little more than half a regular IVF, so it would still be expensive, but more manageable. Even if it takes three tries, we would still be spending roughly the cost of two regular IVF’s. With this in mind, M and I have decided to take the gamble and give it a try.

Of course, if I should have abysmal results from the mini-stim, I probably will kick myself for not going ahead and doing the IVF that has the best outcome. Gah! Have I mentioned how suck ass all of this is?

After the consultation, M and I did all of the blood work necessary to get the ball rolling except for my day three FSH, well because it wasn’t day 3.

During the wait to finish my testing, I had some crazy dreams about the results… first I dreamt that I actually produced a lot of follicles. That sounds good at first, but in my dream, it meant that they would all be of bad quality, booooo. The second dream I had was about my FSH results, I dreamt that I had a number over 10! Clearly I had some anxiety about the whole thing.

For all of my anxiety, I’ve been super excited, I feel like we’re one step closer to either getting pregnant or finding out it’s never going to work. Of course I’m hoping for the best, but I think I need to keep my feet on the ground and be prepared for the worst.

Family

2008-02-12T13:30:00.000-05:00

My husband and I have great families. They are, however great in different ways. I have one sister, grandparents, five aunts, five uncles, about 11 first cousins, and the number is always growing. Most of my family lives in Maryland.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, M's family is rather small, he has an older sister, grandparents, two aunts, two uncles and four cousins. Only half of those live in the U.S., the rest are in Europe (M is first generation American).

My family has never put any pressure on us to have children, they would be happy for us if we did, but it is not in any way a requirement. They have their own busy lives, and don't feel the need to intrude in ours. I haven't discussed our problems with much of my family, but I did clue my mom in this past year. She has been nothing short of perfect. She doesn't dole out assvice, she only offers support.

By contrast, M's family feels that it is my duty to give them children. From our wedding forward, we were gently told to get busy. I realize that it might be a cultural difference, or just their desire to see the family grow. I'm not sure what the real driving force is behind their nudges, but it is just stupid and annoying.

At first, I was able to ignore their hints, back when we were still young and newly married. Plus I wanted to finish college, and his family, thankfully did allow me that break without any trouble.

Their nagging became a problem after we settled down and started ttc. We didn't tell them we were trying, because, well it wasn't any of their business and I didn't want the pressure. We just figured it would be a happy surprise some months down the road.

When the road started getting longer and harder, it also became harder to just grit my teeth when my MIL rubbed my non pregnant belly. But I was in no way prepared to fill them in on everything. I couldn't bear to hear any assvice, especially since M's sister had just given birth to her second and his mom was now truly obsessed with babies.

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I don't like my sister in law. We haven't gotten along for the past 8 years, mostly because she is a selfish biatch. But that's for another time.

It's been especially tough this past year, M's sister just had her third baby (my how time fly's) in December. All of his cousins now have children except one. To break it down, we are now the only married couple not to have children in his small family. To add insult to injury, I'm being lapped.

The hardest aspect of all of this hasn’t been the need for medical treatment. Surprisingly, that doesn't really bother me. I'm not squeamish about getting in the stirrups or discussing my problems with the Drs. and nurses. Quite the opposite, I just want to do what it takes to appear normal. Is it crazy to just want to appear normal, not actually be normal? Although don't get me wrong, a normaly functioning reproductive system wouldn't be turned away.

It's the failure that has been hard. More specifically it's the public failure, the knowing that M's family is watching closely, whether we discuss our problems with them or not.

I know this for a fact, because no one wanted to tell me that my SIL was pregnant for the third time this past summer. I found out from our three year old niece. She told me that "mommy has a baby in her belly". Blehhhhh

After about two years of trying, and many more not so subtle hints from M's family, I've had enough. We still haven't divulged the details of our treatment, but we've told his parents that we're working on it, and it might not happen, so they can stop being annoying now. We've told everyone else in his family who makes rude comments to mind their own and that we'll let them know if anything exciting happens.

To my relief, my MIL has backed off, she is bordering on normal about the baby making. M's father still can't help himself, he makes stupid comments periodically, but at least everyone gives him dirty looks now. And I just avoid the rest of the family if possible, because I don't want to play with new babies that aren't mine.

Trying Times

2008-02-12T12:24:00.000-05:00

I don't know what it's like to see a positive, I've never had one. I know that it's a sick rollercoaster when the positive disapears, or worse when the bleeding starts weeks later. I am glad that I've never been on that ride. Although, in some perverse way, it would be reassuring to know that it *is* possible to get pregnant in the first place, even if for just a few days.